I’ve always said I would write a book about this journey. I have even told the story yet. Lol.
I do feel our story, this story I’m in with these two woman I try so hard to love and keep balanced, is my movie. A story is a movie we lived and live. Each day filled with different characters and experiences.
You and me. We all get attached to the characters in our lives. Hell. Mamas been in my story since I got here and it’s just a shame she didn’t think she was worth a second thought? I gave her way more than two thought people?
This reading is insane. And yes I am sharing this here. Before you see the truth in real time! I am manifesting the highest good. A relationship from 56 years of living I owe to my Mama for allowing me passage through and from her body. That I could live and be raised away from her 30 years. And come home so strong I knocked her socks off and made her speechless.
Being a surprise like I was and am. This surprise was gonna count on the books of life!! No hiding this one!! To God be the glory! What? Excuse me for being so excited. I’ve tasted my Mamas cooking and kissed her skin. Don’t even.
Mamas need their credits. Even if their were demerits. I balanced those books ladies. With grace. We don’t hide what’s happened ever. That’s the proof we were here. As we rise above it. To our new life. No curtains needed. It’s an open play. We all have a story with a chapter like this.
But it’s the best chapter that drives it all home in our hearts. Love wins. Always. After we’ve done all we learned and we have to learn better. We get better. I would not trade whipping cream with a mixer for a hand whisk!! No. In a pinch? Yes. I can. But I got better now. My mixer does that while I do something else’s. It’s evolution.
And relationships need be paralyzed by staying with a whisk when a mixer is available and way more efficient? Mama and myself are upgrading. I’m not sure what the readers thinks going on? I’ve hit some of the maybes?
I could have told a stranger? And had them listen for my dollars? Had them take my time and words and files them away neatly in a folder? Yeah. I’ve done that. Been there. Got the tee shirt. I am an informed human being. And one who know about asking for help thank you very much. I’ve been asking the wrong people for help that any person can ask their Mama who is living? Mines alive? What’s up twitch that is what I am pointing out?
I’ve explain many of the sides of the possible whys? And confronted all of our actions involved? How does anyone affect positive change in an situation that has obviously become stagnant and rancid? Family dynamics should be healthy. And I’m just saying we were not acting healthy as the whole that we are and my family believed we were not.
It really is a mindset of detachment and disassociation a with one another? And confronting that within each other and ourselves is quite uncharted territory and mysteriously scary to many. Change is scary. That’s what I am saying? I was scared at two days old? Who helped me? Me. And God. And Gran Gran and basically everyone. But it was a juggling act for years with as little information as I had to work with? People miss that point.
We have to think about the day to day mindset within the child’s DNA and new story line? Many time if not all the time the new story and old story conflict inside the child’s mind that must adjust and many times go against their own nature. With only instinct and God to guide you. Fact. For me. My family is now doing what I’ve done for years, which is to accept it all is part of me now.
Saying it out loud and written her made it all real. Changeable. Mutable. Like clay.
God is real.
The frustrations written from a Child’s point of view are madness enough, add taking my Mama to that list. Now put yourself there. Just sit there a minute. No auntie O, no Gran Gran, and Mama for you. No aunt hill to play with Marcia. No Marcia Mama.
No Moreland’s and Tidwell’s. No Daddy Gerald. And no me. Sit. Imagine it. Imagine all you ever knew, just being wiped out! Taken. Gone. No trace. No explanations. No. No one told me I knew you were gone. I waited until I was 3. Such a grand age to introduce me to Adoption. Oh. Ok. Adoptions done this to me?
But just take a moment. I’m sure you can go there. You’ve been there before in a different role. No going back. Or so they said? They. Whoever they are? Didn’t factor me into this lovely equation? Adoption tore me up from the floor up Mama. So I’ve got legs now.
To walk them right to you. You just can’t tear a child out of yourself like that Mama? It’s hurtful to us both is what I’m saying? As word by word like a snake charmer I call the pain up to me. My pain commands your pain to sit up. And to someone who’s stuffed it like you? Cuz God called my up and your is hooked to mine honey. We both going up.
In my world. I don’t leave Mama behind. I just keep flying by till she’s ready for my landing? Respect is earned. Is me waiting not respectful enough? Quiet people don’t go anywhere Mama. They just stand in line. They don’t lead it.
Are you trying to tell me by blocking that God’s not with us Mama? Is that it? Like where are you at with God Mama? Is this lesson to hard? Can I help you? Your voicemail box is full angina. And I can only suspect your not listening to my messages? Trying to explain?
Listen Mama. When god’s gonna bless you? It’s always chaos before. I’ve learned that Mama. Hang in there. Ok? I love ya.
This is the best foot. And this is the high road darling. The narrow road. The one God talks about. We walking the narrow road. There’s not to many here with us Mama. But they will be. Many will be helped by us Mama. Our story bring hope to many Mama. If I can get through we all can.
And we’ve done the hard work they can glean from Mama as we cut our wheat for this harvest. The wheat is our wisdom that we cut from our struggles. Lessons learned from our life journey apart. We have many.
Your heads just been twisted so long trying to see the world straight from a twisted idea like this? So many things you were unaware of about my side of this lovely coin here. Three sided coin. Sounds like a scam. Should have seen that coming? But we always have review and rearrange to fall back on.
I pray you read this? Mama Jean doesn’t. And she my Mama? And it hurts me. Cuz I’m writing now? And she should be so proud of me? But she doesn’t even know what I say? She didn’t talk to me about this much. Such a hard conversation to get going with a woman who’s raised you like her own? Yes. Strange indeed.
I love hearing stories of Adoptive parents that have done this vital work and talk to their kids about their parents and truly give a shit? I know she cares in her own way. But she’s not you Mama. No. I wish I could lie and just forget you. You amazing Mama you.
I know you have faults. I’ve got many of them Mama. You call them faults. But I call them challenges. You wonder how I can talk here about you like I do? I’ve been doing it for years. Trying to figure this shot out with no one to talk to about it? What? Am I supposed to ignore my hearts longing for my own Mama now? Is that what adoption is to you? Well. Not to me thank you.
I love you Mama. And to say that. Write that here is so damn freeing. To let go and just be me. The girl who loves you and who just loves you so much. I’ve always felt like this. So dramatic Like you. I wanna celebrate you? Visit you. Learn you more. Get all up in your grill? Is that bad? I don’t know what it is? I’m upset about us. I did it like it. So I did something about it. Even if it was wrong. At least I spoke up.
It is on you again and again. You can choose different this time and have something totally new if you want. God is the God of second third fourth and so on chances Mama. We either believe that or we don’t? Do you know how much I love you now? Have I given you enough evidence to grant me sanction back into the fold? Fold of your mind and soul that I belong in?
Mama. How long must I keep calling to you? How long must I wait? How much makeup do you need for heaven sakes woman? You look amazing!
I miss you. I really do. And I apologize for missing you so much. Wish I could just turn myself off but that would mean death. That’s the only way my body will be able to let you go. Death. And I’m not ready for death Mama. Until you come around my life’s on hold. I can’t preach to anyone with us like this? What a wreck?
See guys? Volumes of love trapped inside me gushing out? Why? Reroute me?
You know? Woman can be quite brilliant.
Most times over looked for our size? But we can pack some intellectual heat when it’s comes to breaking it down into bite size bits for the masses.
I love ya darling. This I know. Cuz my bible inside told me so. Mamas have a bible within where their babies come from. Written in my heart was your name baby. Indelible. And bright!! Surprisingly amazing! And equally as stupendous as a sunset, or the waves crashing on the beach. Beautiful are you above all other daughters to me child now a woman.
I approve of you whole heartedly. I’ve heard your cries baby girl. And I cried with you each time and prayed for us both as we learned about undoing codependent behaviors we learned and I taught you. Mamas have to clean up their own messes too. Sometimes you got to get out in the road and spank yourself all silly like to make little ones see? Mama don’t get away with nothin either!
God’s my maker baby girl! And I’ve co fessed my sins here. Practicing my precepts baby. The word in action. Washing me clean? Words. And energies connected to the words have come out of me. They were trapped. Hell? I trapped them. Yes. As a child. And children do silly things honey. Especially adopted kids. But I was hurt. So very wounded. And I tried to do you better? And it was better than I got? At times worse than I got. I apologize publicly to you dear one.
Right here. I apologize. You are worth my 12 step program with God and coming clean publicly darling. You are that precious to me. I’d be a fool to stay the same and hold that funk in me? And I thank you for kicking me in the heart dear. I needed a swift kick to unravel baby girl. I was all tied up with yesterday’s newspapers and reports I had to give. Research for Miles! And a lifetime of confusion to set to rest for god sakes!! Reams of data from my life experiences rotting inside me.
Someone needed that explosion? Maybe you. You are so sensitive to energies sweetie. Your my canary. Thank you for being so amazing. And for holding space for me. You’ve blessed me so much. May blessing chase you down the street. You’ve earned it warrioress. Now a Queen. I bow to you here. I always say it better when I write it anyway. My tongue needs some help. And on this Valentine’s Day. I want you to know how much I love you. Enough to be vulnerable enough to do my steps in front of the world to show you how too. My way is crazy. But you’ll find your way back to me too baby. I always lead out strong and wild to show folks it can be done anyway we can. Just do it.
Love you pumpkin. 💋
I’m getting so emotional and excited!!!!!
Just break on through to the other side!!
Validation from a completely unconnected source who does not know me? Of gran gran?
Thank you Lord. Show Mama. Please. I’m so tired of trying to make her see? You know I need you.
Gran Gran thank you for showing up and sending me to this reading. I love you so much. And appreciate you so much for your strength and love for me. Thank you Lord for allowing my Gran Gran to be one of my angels in this life. I am so thankful lord for this validation. Of your presence in my life and your hand upon me. I am grateful.
Wow. Wow. Wow!! Like wow!
my Dad loved Mama like this. When I hear certain songs. It brings up a feeling that I know isn’t mine. And back in the day. Mama was 25. And I do feel my Daddy was really taken with her. Yet a man unable to express it well.
Cuz the fire burning in me I know is from him and that God just fuels it too. When you’re separated from you family. It’s like they all come alive inside you to help you make it. It’s feels like adrenaline and it’s like everything fades away for a moment. And all you can feel is their love and encouragement from within you. Telling you to not give up when it hurts so bad. When people tear you down and don’t realize what they say?
And I can’t u love Mama. I’ve tried. And it hurts. This is true. Because it’s not natural for me to do that. Not even when death comes and takes the body and releases the spirit. You can’t I love someone? You can rename it hate? But the opposite of hate is love so? It still adds up to love. We hate separations. We all do. We hate goodbyes.
Adoption leaves a mark. Good yes are hard after you’ve said goodbye to your baby? And your Mama. They freak you out so bad they get in the way of enjoying hello. Hello now means goodbye will come. And when a goodbye is so horrific and intense as mine with my Mama? Hello is scary too. But without hello? Where can love go? It’s part of this life. Hello. Goodbye. Hello again.
It’s a dance. And maybe Mama has not been dancing in a while? And I just threw her on the floor here with me and started to dance. Dance away those ideas. Two step. Stomp away the blues. Take a sip of your drink. Hurry. I’m twirling you around again girl! You fine as wine! Let me show you off girl. Let’s brush the years off it’s been a long time baby. Let me Pull you close and smell you. Then let me twirl you around so everyone else can smell ya! She’s going home with me!! I’ll yell and laugh. As the music of our hearts plays on and on and we dance our way unto our better tomorrow because we chose to dance it away today. Get our blood pumping old school darling. Let me spin you at round and show you off Pretty Mama.
You’re still amazing. Look into my eyes darling. See it there in the crystal blue ocean of me. The beauty of you. Shining back at you through me. Take heart Mama. Take my heart. Put me in the place you keep all things precious. And give me yours. Oh. I’ve already got it now don’t I? And you’ve got mine.
Come here Mama dear let me hold you close. Let me twirl you around and show you off now that you’re all cleaned off from yesterday’s worries.
Guys? It’s hard to reunite with your daughter when your still upset at the father. Ok? You must work it out. And say what he didn’t say but you know he felt? Men aren’t taught to talk and express feelings well. They suck a lot. My sons different like that. Raised in a house filled with woman he learned how to talk. Yes.
He looks a lot like my Daddy when he was young. Good looking. And he’s been trained by me, Mama Jean who’s tough and my daughters who love him, to be a better man. I take righting something to the next level guys. Change the future. And he’s good stock and learned. Some men are just not gonna get it? David gets it.
I want Mama to know him. It’s like Huey twice removed. She needs to see what Huey turned out like in us all? I’m doing what he should have done. Jan 1, 1963 he went into the army. 7 days before my birth. Wow. Didn’t have a clue? What he was walking away from?
I was told Mama found out after he was gone but that’s not possible? So the story is always changing.
What’s the real story? From Mamas lips? I know how I feel. And my Dad loves her a lot? Had deep feelings for that woman? He must have really sucked at showing it? She must have been scared by that love? What happened to them? Why? Why? Why?
Ugh. I hate unfinished stories. I truly do. I’ve worked so hard to get to the story about how I came to be? I’ve considered all angles to prepare myself? Like people think it’s just the records. And medical. It’s way deeper guys. It’s identifying. Identity. Recognizing. Validating.
It is like accounting. I’ll not lie about that. And my accounting needs her accounting to help us both restore balance.
Mama must have been hurt real bad to fight me like she is. And I’m working to help her see it wasn’t me. And that I came to love her. That I am not my Daddy. That I am the best of them both all rolled into one with new programming to help. Mama Jean and Daddy Elmer. I watch them and learned about Mama and Daddy.
It’s like God didn’t change a thing except the players. They divorced. Like Mama and Daddy. Listen. Sex is marriage. Consummation is marriage. The rest is paperwork and government rules. And they both gave up on each other. And I was on the way.
My A parents fought and divorced. And they were not more mature than my original parents? They didn’t think about me? They thought about themselves and protecting their Egos. They let me down too. But that’s life. I’ve given up. I’ve been given up on. I’ve never stopped loving any man I married. That’s just stupid. It’s like saying I was a dumbass for loving. We all come to love.
And people are raised different. They get hurt growing up and end up hitting on the hurts of who they love. It’s a pattern of wounding. A pattern I’m am working to change with Mama. We beat ourselves up for mistakes. Mama has not been acting like some spring bird in the tree if life chirping people? So? She’s hurt. Or she would have been running at the door to greet me? She would not be calling people to come and slam doors in my face and call me names?
She’s been thinking she could scare me away when it’s her thoughts about me that need scaring away? Those thoughts I expose here. People think exposing means something mean? Nurse expose wounds all day and dress them? Calm down. This is not a death sentence here? It’s surgical removal of lies in us all? I’ve had my lies too? And I tell it all so folks can tell me? But no ones telling me? They seem to be pouting? Sulking? Blocking? You can’t block God’s will honeys.
God’s will is that we be whole. United. At peace. Integrated. And thriving for his glory and not our own? This is all for God’s glory folks. Get that straight. We can pick all day at words. She said this? He said that. And I’m picking through it and sorting it out. Why? Cuz it matters to my Mama that it’s all ironed out. Pressed and folded and put away.
I simply can’t wait another minute. But I will. I’ll keep writing my love letters here. I’ll woe her in? Daddy may have not been good at that? But I’m not him. Linda’s in her telling me how too. And I’m listening.
Not many Adoptees have done such deep mental, spiritual work, and soul work like me. I’ve got energies tagged. Ready for identification, filing and closing the books on this chapter. Nothing left unsaid and no regrets Mama. We learning our lessons. Cuz we Be Linda’s. Linda’s Rock. Belinda’s!! Well there are not many of us?
- There are 97,006 people in the U.S. with the first name Belinda.
- Statistically the 563rd most popular first name.
God did good.
When we get past the past we can clearly see it.