Mama thought. Which is just her body calculating an expectation. And when Mama was calculating the recipe of me she just? Like if threw it all together.
And did she ever take true stock of her own considerations in my make up? Has my Mama really looked at herself? All these years? Or has she been looking at the mask she made to fit the script of a bio Mom in this world?
Her whole life was off the day I went north and she went south. By natural design a child is not supposed to be separated from their Mama until they can walk away and take care of why the hell are we doing that to woman and children?
Clearly we can see the affect it has had on my own Mama? With that as a scientific fact. My Mama bears the marking and symptoms of PTSD of she struggles to even see me with any measure of peace? My eldest sister seems to be affected the most with secondary PTSD symptoms as well. Shes is at least sensitive enough to have to come and purge with her sister about it?
Like these are facts I have had to face? Alone? In the faces of ignorant people who thought they knew my Mama? I am bold. Cuz I had to be to stand strong without her by my side. She’s leaning on me right now and hanging on my every word. Cuz she trust me now. The truth will do that. Who else to talk a woman jacked up after her man passes and all the shit comes flying up, down to earth.
Like, everyone goes through a dark night of the soul? And it was time to get Mama out of that shit hole for sure. My Mama is a vibrant woman. Full of Tenacity. And spunk. But I knew it was coming as sure as shit when that man left. I had to step up and get her through it. Or die trying.
If you haven’t followed along like my Mama. Well? It’s our language now then isn’t it and you all don’t get it? That’s will teach my sisters to leave Mama when she needed some love and forgiveness when her demons came forth for release. I stood right here and faced them with her. Called them all by name. Tagged them. Bagged them. And helped Mama see how much I could see about her world. How much I remembered of that 25 year old version of herself. All badass and gonna take the world. And she did. Not how she thought she did?
But she threw a piece of herself out there that would never be forgotten. Me. No one ever forgets me. This I know. With a name like Belinda Jean. And a birthday with Elvis? I am my own Queen. And Mama wanted me like this no matter what she says. She needed a hard ass to help her ass our of that pit of a mentality cut off from reconciliation to her own daughter and self. She needed a guide. A loving gentle and firm guide to guide her out of that kind of brainwashing.
And she needs the diatomaceous Earth for her brain cells as the heal. And the collagen peptide to help with brain function too. And the Kraut to maintain acid and alkaline balance in her system. And love from her kid to make it all better. Cuz that was a hell of a ride.