Yeah. I don’t go there much because what if town can be a delirium distraction from reality and changing it. There is no avoiding.
If I’d have stayed with my Mama I would be a writer right now. And would hob knob with my cousin Marcia. I am a wicked word twister that will make you think. I’m dangerous to ignorance. My own included. No special treatment for being a vessel.
Mama and I would surely have a special place we vacationed alone and with my sisters. And my sisters would have their own vacation places that’s we shared and they spent time alone with Mama. I do believe that’s how it goes for my story line.
I would most like be a song writer. Singer. More of a feature artist. I’d have a clothing line that I put together with one of my sisters. I would most likely go to her SCA events and totally show up and show off with here and be all the buzz. Feathers? Whatever we’d be rocking it and the other girls would be rocking it too. If I’d have stayed. I’d have made sure of it. Just like I am now.
Just feelings way behind in the game of life thanks to some dumb idea?
If Mama had kept me I would play the piano and guitar and probably every instrument. Mama would have made sure of that. By now I would have had a record contract and a career.
Mama would have her own cooking show talk show where God’s talked about. And good food. And folks rightly divide the word of truth.
I had to go away to learn it all wrong to truly get it right. Away from some of my Mamas learned ideas that don’t work. Behaviors she wants to change. Like I am change. She’s coming to me for change. I’ve been there. And now she sees so has she? She just hadn’t processed that shit out?
If my Mama kept me. I’m sure did have the kids I do now. And I would have married as many times as I have. And we’d have drama. And the only thing that would change would be Mama would be used to it. She’s accept it.
Like my Mamas lottery showed up. And she was acting like the Mafia was coming to call? Am I the mafia? Your kid? Yeah. They tried to program me Mama. They tried. To change my mind about you. They didn’t do it to be hurtful. They just thought they could? All it did was hurt me and just keep me behind.
Does my Mama know how hard it is to be her daughter? Like I know we folks all keep saying I love her like she’s my own. But like your own is not your own girls. Respect. No one marks over my Mamas name. And God proved it by making sure my first name reflected her namesake within it. Proof.
I guess my Mama thought I was just a whore for higher? Lol. No. They pay me. And I’m not talking about sex. So clean your mind up. People want a daughter. Well they got one. A professional. Guess Mama thought? I was just a blob. What does she think about herself if she thinks me so small? Or have people thought that she was small? Either way.
What an institution for rebels children. And my Mama wonders why I am an advocate? A rebel? Adoption tried to reform me. But I just couldn’t see anything wrong with my Mama. Except what folks said about her. I did have a huge problem with that. And it got ugly. As I took hit after hit about her. And buried all the bullets turned to coal down deep in my soul where her memory lives on inside of me. At the alter of God within.
There is an alter within each of us always for Mother. How well we tend the flame is key. Mama and I made sense at one time. At one time I was part of her. The only way to burn the old way was to stoke her fire. Push her buttons. Fire her up. Pour gas into her. Hell yes I was gaslighting! How else do you get your Mama going when she needs to? How does anyone really know a thing about me and my own Mama except me and my own Mama?
And Mama and I had been a certain way for a while. A formal way of being. Scripted by adoption dictates. These are the complexities of Adoptions ignorant practices and dictates. And what makes it so hard for me to even speak. I took a hit to the left side of the brain. Never have been diagnosed. I know. And Mama now knows she is the same as me and that’s ok. We took the hit for each other.
The sixties were crazy. Today is crazy. Would anyone kill anyone if Moms ruled the world supported? No. Men like war games. Woman like men. So woman got to let them get it out of their system. So that men can see house works way more fun than war games. Like duh.
My Mama done had war on her about me. She was taken to the cleaner honey. Stolen from. That’s how she feels. And she’s right. Legalized stealing. Violation of my human rights? And hers. Each woman is guilty as she swipes her pen. She has no right to give away what God grew from her. That’s a fact. And we are paying the price for doing that today? But can we see it?
That’s why my Mamas upset? Duped. Mind fucked hard. It’s like a glob in your brain takes a yank!! Whatever, our brains took a hit our bond is strong. We adapted. And now adapt again. Mama could feel me. Yeah. She felt everything I felt. That’s how strong it is. But she couldn’t get to me. You see? Cut off with a live wire? Always feeling me. Around her. She knows how much I love her.
My story is extraordinary. I am that one. Who took it hard and kept the receipts. This experience is a rough one. I would not recommend it continue. It’s doing harm as it is. It’s an altered state of being that is working against natural law. Can we see what we do?
My Mama has suffered a blow to her brain. That’s she could not see coming. She trusted. It’s was like a bullet to the brain. And a mullet to my brain too. It’s is a profound affect. My Mama is 80, and has never had this kind of support. She thought she was alone. My Mama trusted. And this is what Adoption gave us. And our family.
Facts. 80 years feeling and being so alone with such a secret? Where are my sisters? 30. Really alone with it. And stuffing it. She was really looking for me thriving like? Some royal. And then she found me on 13th street? And I’m like yeah? This is what they thought about me and you? My parents were just foolish about me. Like they didn’t teach me about money? Like most? They taught me by how they spent it? Which was not investing it or saving it for something amazing? Blow it!
Then Mama Jean began to save. And I’m like ok? Papa saved. So my Mama could spend is how I see it. But no training about saving and investments. Denied. Except with strangers. So it’s like watching someone do the same thing over and over who’s trying to kind of force you to be like they want? Which is what I am showing here. This poor woman treated me kind of like a dog. She’s just not good with shit like that. She just did not expect me?
Nor did she expect, much like my Mama, that’s this would be so complex. And painful. But change was painful. And adjusting now is painful. But I’m home. That’s all. I showed back up. So like winner winner let’s dry chicken dinner.