Emotional Equality

retifying a toxic situation called adoption confusion.

Yes. I am bold. Yes. I am standing up for my Mama. And owning all she’s done and not done.

Why? Because someone got to. Someone’s got to claim and own my Mamas trauma about giving me away. And it might as well be me.

She was hurt. She’s been hurt. She loved her life wounded by her own actions. And she needs me to bring the medicine to heal such a thing. No one else can bring the medicine but me.

Because it was me she thought was the problem. Facing me was the issue. And really knowing that I saw it all and didn’t care. Chose not to care. Chose to forge ahead anyway. Chose to face the demon my own Mama thought she was for doing me like this.

Flipping her around. Facing all she’s done or not done. Allowing her to show me how deep it goes. And how silenced she’s been.

Giving my Mama her power back is love. When she’s thought she could even give that power to anyone else, her daughter brings it back. Plugs the battery in. Flips the switches back on. Twists the dials and tunes her Mama back in and watches as she comes to life. Don’t even tell me. I don’t know how to make that woman percolate.

She’s just been down. Hiding it. As a wound festers to long. That her daughter in another state can smell the stench. And was good enough to stop what she was doing to tend to it. When everyone around her was blind as a bat to her situation. Blind as bats with no sonar.

But she had me. Super bat daughter who’s sonar is so off the charts. Just a vibration can wake me up to pray for my own Mama anytime and day. That’s what Mama has not seen in all this. She’s only seen her down falls. And I’m standing with her energetically as she processes years Of stuffing her own trauma while folks all around couldn’t even see what’s she was going through.

I wonder if my sister realize that each day of my birth over the years, was a rough day for Mama? Do they realize that as they went off in dresses for dance, Mama was Hoping and praying I would be doing that too. And she had to imagine what I looked like? There own Mama had to imagine her own daughters milestone moments without seeing her? Right under their noses Mama was going through so much grief and loss each time they did something amazing she wonder about me? How could she not? It’s natural to think of your kids?

To know my Mama is to know a nurturer. To know my Mama is to know a woman who give many shits about many things and people. She’s donated her time to her family. Why would my family withhold support for her having a dream come true? They don’t see the need? That’s why? Why? Because Mamas denied her need for me out of duty to her vow. A vow she took quite seriously.

My Mama gave all her power to be my Mama away. Or so she thought? That she could? She could not. For I held up the standard. How?

Well the woman that raised me, is not my Mama. Harsh truth. One that she knows well. And yet still is loved by me? And called mom. To say she is my Mama is a lie. And I have not lied about who that person is ever. She told me I was adopted. I told her she was not my Mama. But that she earned being called Mom. Why would I want her to be someone else anyway?

She, Mama Jean is her own person. And not like my Mama at all. How does one describe their own Mama? It’s just your Mama? And adoption tried to make me lie? Made me live a lie. Forced me to live a life I did not want to live. Not because I hated anyone? But because I love my Mama and feel that society did us no justice to promote this adoption idea.

All the lesson my Mama I would have learned and developing our relationship to get it up to speed we do now. Developmental stages have been happening as I write here and Mama learns about the affects and also see her own affects. Now with my light of day. Truth.

You can tell yourself your fine all day. But when I come around and Mama goes haywire? Just cuz I came to visit out of the blue and all hell breaks loose and sisters come flying over spamming doors and name calling? There is an issue with the Mama unit. Right now.

What I saw was Mama did not feel safe when I came to call.

My question is why? Words and blogs? Oh my.

Why did no one soothe her? Well no ones read primal wound and learned about the wounding to the Mother? No. My own sisters don’t know shit about her wounding? But I do. Yes. So well I hit all her buttons and got that girl going. Working. Processing. Praying. Crying. Getting over it.

People think you just got to let folks be? No! Let it be and it will stay the same. John Lennon was write and folks got it wrong. Let it be. Let it be. Whisper words of wisdom. And let it be.

Whisper words of wisdom. Then let it be.

Letting it be doesn’t mean leaving it alone. Wisdom has a healing affect when we accept what is and has been. It’s at the point of acceptance that we let go. As we accept that this is where adoption got us. We see that we don’t have to just let it be like that. We can change it. With willing hearts. We can overcome grief such as ours.

Closure is key. And well Mama doesn’t know what closure of a wound she’s denied my whole life looks like? There is no closure manual to adoption. It’s a open needed circle. Where is the return on my Mamas investment of me into the world here without closure?

How can my family guide my Mama to a closure that could even see was open? A wound they lived with so long they just accepted it as fact that Mama would just be upset like this forever. Because if lack of closure to our past, Mamas wound has festered. I’m circling around the wound here. And over and over am pointing so my sisters can see it.

Behavior. It’s there. Blocking. It’s there. Emotional withdraw. It’s there. Closed down thinking. It’s there. I’ve got to lead her out of it. And they need to support me. If they want this done right? And how it’s going right now isn’t right. It’s left. We all need to go right. Be supportive of this processing. Counselors can’t see what I can.

The wound was started with me. I will stitch it up. All I need is some support. Meaning emotional support for Mama that it’s gonna be ok. Are you all able to calm her at all? Or do you just avoid? She should be settled by now.

And it’s not for lack of me trying. But if everyone in the family is in another book of thoughts about it how is this helpful? This job is mine. Can you all allow me to work here and be supportive of that? Mama has not fallen apart. She just needs a push over the hump of denial and embarrassment. I’d be embarrassed too if my daughter came home and told me how far I was off? And I have been embarrassed when my daughters came home and said I was off?

And I adjusted as best I could from What they told me. And I don’t give up. I keep going and working hard to be better than before. This whole thing is to make it truly better for Mama, once and for all laying it all to bed. Tucked in. Quiet and calm. Each T crossed. All demons quiet and calm.

It take patience to undo something like this. It takes guts to face your Mamas truths about herself and get in her face and say, No!! To chase every demon away with a broom. To clean the cobwebs in her mind out. So she can see clearly what is beyond what was. It takes god’s love planted in each child to bring healing to their Mamas.

My Mama and I are emotionally equal. And she now knows that. Which means I do get it like my sisters don’t quite yet. And also which shows how strong a bond Mama and I have. To be that in tune. That’s I could poke at a phone with my thumbs and push all her buttons? To bring her back on line. I know the buttons I push? Hadn’t been pushed in years.

She was like an old ford in the driveway of her life. Dead. Out of gas. Out of tune. Dirty from lack of care. Dusty. And filled with cobwebs instead of people going for a drive. Buttons are for pushing if your trying to get your Mama board up and running again at top speed. I am not some button pushing maniac. I am her daughter.

And that folks give me shit about how I’m trying to help my own Mama heal is so upsetting. Like I’m crazy when my own sisters can’t even see the affects of trauma in their own Mama? Lord have mercy. I schooled myself girl! You might try it?

Read sisters. Read. Mama I thought you taught them to read?

https://www.originscanada.org/adoption-trauma-2/trauma_to_surrendering_mothers/adoption-trauma-the-damage-to-relinquishing-mothers/

https://www.originscanada.org/adoption-trauma-2/trauma_to_surrendering_mothers/effects-of-adoption-on-mental-health-of-the-mother-what-professionals-knew-and-didnt-tell-us/

When Phil passes it amped up. PTSD girls. Our Mamas got PTSD. From post relinquishment compounded by Phil’s passing. Intense grief girls. Mark my words. Mama needs us now.

We can not back off. It’s won’t work any longer. It’s all got to come out. And you all need me. I’m the one with the surgeon eyes here. Yes eyes of the heart do a surgeon for our Mama needs us all now.

Mama could care less about herself. And I have an issue with that girls. She’s worried about me. Which means she’s worried about herself too. She’s not taking this well and damn right she shouldn’t.

Our Mother is a good woman who was scammed girls. The worst scam ever. And we must stop denying it. It’s unhealthy. It’s codependent behavior to ignore such a trauma? And our Mama deserves better from us. That is why I’ve take to speaking here to get to all of us in one swoop.

Mama. I won’t give up on you. You can’t make me and god won’t let me. We are tied together in this. And this healing is coming for you even if you feel unworthy. You’ve suffered long enough Mama without me. It’s time. I’m being as respectful as I can considering what I feel right now.

You have been on this road away from me to long. It’s time to turn around and take a big hug. I’ve been following your energy for years Mama. And that’s the wonder here. How could I? Cuz I’m your daughter Mama. Always have been. There’s no need to hide anymore. Your under my wing now. Even though I am here and you there. I’m sending all the love I’ve got towards you Mama. Just open that heart and receive it. Part of life is receiving Mama.

You gave all. Now let me give all back to you. Ok? Xoxox.

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