What do I mean by that title? I mean adult adoptees need love. And I’m talking about love that we all felt deeply at one time for nine month. No. I am not satisfied with this status quo. The extent of denial to abandoned children who’s Mama still live is pandemic.
Just because my Mama gave me away. Does not mean that me staying away is healthy for either of us. Human contact is key. Touch is one of the most powerful things on this planet. If a child who lost their Mama during child birth can recognize their own beating Mamas heart in a transplant patients chest? And calm at the sound? Mama and I need that kind of touch from each other.
Why would I stay idle. Forever? Was I just standing around gapping at her? No. I was studying her moves. Again. It takes time and patients to put back together what Man thought needed to be apart. You need a lot of God for such a task. You need a lot of prayer to hold you still while God works. And uses your words to untie it. As God uses your truth to set both people free. Mama does not need to be tied to me with grief any longer. I’m alive and well. And so is she.
Sure. Time has passed. And we both have had our share of trauma surrounding this one event in both our lives. And birth is key. It’s how you come into this world, mind, body, and soul. And my whole life was rerouted. Which means so was hers. And once you come home doesn’t reroute you automatically back? It’s takes work. Listen. The god that is this universe is no halfway god. We are the halfway kids that half ass shit and then cry aba father.
My Mamas felt so half ass for so long? She’s freaking out how I am making any sense of this. And yet I am making sense of it. There is sense in nonsense. It’s right in the word nonsense. So sense is there. Yes. It is. It’s just dealing with the non.
The word Non means to express negation. To point out the non sense reveals the sense of what is. What is? Me and Mama is. And always have been. There is no court in the world that can take away my blood that when tested links me to her. Adoption can’t take that. Fact away from any of us.
Getting our pour Mamas back on track about us is the thing. How did our Mamas get so off track? Society for one. The church mandates for two. But the question is: can society and the church mandates, adoption mandates, take a Mamas love away from her for her child? I think not. Adoption took my Mama away from me and just made her a martyr in my mind? Just like Jesus.
Taking Mama away from me made me a follower of her brand of love. To give away. And to get. Cuz she got something alright. But was she truly satisfied with all she got? My Mama does not seem satisfied at all. Why would any Mama be satisfied with what Adoption promised and did not deliver. It’s no new thing that my Mamas not happy? It’s just now visible after her daughter exposed it.
Mama covered her love. But any daughter can clearly see their own Mamas love trapped inside a woman who’s life has grown dull and dim without your special light to brighten it up. Yes. I blasted my Mama with light. Blinded her with science. Poured knowledge into her empty cup. And bid her to drink from my healing cup so she could see the truth still is. Love never fails. Not for my Mama.
To a Mama thinking. Stop. Feel it. Just stop thinking. And sit and feel the love. Let it pour over you as you now fully aware feel the love of your abandoned child, your abandoned self. Let go of a word called shame. Let it go. It’s a word attached to some icky feelings. Let the love flow. Pure love flowing from daughter and Mama for us here. But put yourself in this. Let your child’s love come. It’s there. They have never let go of you. And this is the way back to love.
You tell Jesus who’s got the keys to hell. I need the keys Lord. I need the victory keys. I’ve got to go get Mama out of Hell lord. You ask Jesus to give you some healing in your own wings. Some Jesus healing. You grab the keys he paid for with his own life’s blood. And you fly to hell and you go get Mama out of that pit she put herself in when she abandoned herself. And punished herself for a crime that is no crime.
And you go with all your grace and forgiveness and you unlock the door and stand and shine brightly as she walks herself to freedom, as your love light guides her back to her own true north. You stand and greet the demons. As they realize they must bid her goodbye. Her stay is over in Hellhole motel. Cuz her girls got Jesus’s keys and she has come to set her free. Jesus paid for those keys for us all. Don’t hate me cuz I use them. Like don’t.
God is real. And my Mama was bound by her own words spoken over and over to herself. And those words can’t hold her now cuz I came home and broke the spell. With Jesus. And those keys. Jesus says, I came to bring you life. And my Mama wasn’t living? Not without me? It’s was a 3/4 life for a 4/4 woman. Sure. She hasn’t want to admit it. She been strong so long. Saying it’s ok. I’m ok. That’s the way it is. No. It’s not how it’s gonna stay. Not for my Mama. No.
All the lying is over. Laying around. Lying on the floor. Lying about loving me. Lying about not loving my Dad. Lying no more. It’s all bullshit at this point. Cuz perfect love cast out all fear and lies. Why? To make room for more love of course? My Dad did not want my Mama to feel like this nor did God for that matter? And the whole world can try to tell me my own Mama is broken and unfixable. But the whole worlds wrong. Mama ain’t broken. And she doesn’t need fixing. She just needed a jump start from an old friend to get her started back up again.
She just needed someone who like to tinker with antiques and get them running again to show folks their true value and worth. She just needed someone with some elbow grease to polish her up again and show folks how she shines in the sunlight driving down the road of life. She needed me to throttle that motor of her and rev it up to high rpms and blow all the carbon out. My Mamas a rare beauty. She should not be garaged ever.
And no one should ever call her crazy. My sisters are the crazy ones if they said I was crazy? Mama was not a believer before. But she believing now. As she watches me cut away dead wood so new growth can grow. She’s seeing the growth. I’ve left no stone Unturned in her garden of life. Rearranged the whole place. Rearranged her mind. Tore out old ideas and lies and planted new trees of thought that have given her shade to rest under.
A Mama deserves a good daughter like me after all life given and taken from her. Yes. I’ve been hurt by my own Mamas actions. But love overcomes all sin. All sin. If we faint not in our well doing. We reap the rewards of lives healing power. And I’ve been doing some well doing with Mama even thought know one seems to see it right now. It’s an inside job, well doing is. Grabbing ahold of your Mamas mind and taking it off everything else except your love. Ripping the nightmare shades off the windows. To show her her new day is dawning. Right inside her mind.
The mind. Where all good recipes started. The mind where Mamas realizing she’s free. The mind. The hell hole in the brain that trapped Mama so long ago. Like some bad bar, hotel California gone wild that sucked her in. Making her drink the wine of separation until liberation came. And libation was needed no more. Clear water had arrived with her key bearer. And the light poured into that dark hell hole of an idea called adoption and set her free to see me. Standing with the key. As I placed it into her ignition and stopped on her gas petal.
And she fired up like a Champ!! My Mamas a four cylinder. And she purrs like a kitten when she tuned up right. By a special mechanic she popped out long ago that’s got all the tools to make her sing again. Yes. My Mama sings too.