Feeling abandoned by your Mama.

This video expresses the feelings of this adoptee who was exiled by her Mother and cheered by the courts. Approved! Stamped on my forehead. Why? Did I not feel extra approved now? With my extra stamp?

Could it have been the tears that washed away the white approved bandage, now black from the stains. Tears of the years separated for really no damn good reason? Of living a life as a fraud. A fake. Purchased. Fabricated for a time. Painted over. And now blocked from my own Mother?

I am fancy. Except my Mama didn’t die. She lives. Sold me off. Into a bright new future and family? The life I would be living. Without her. And the life she could live without me? Goes many ways. The life Mama Jean could now live cuz of me? Everybody’s happy. But? No.

Everybody ain’t happy. Mama ain’t happy living as a fake either. Not anymore? Like why would she? Once Mothers all over realize the bond never breaks? We gonna see some changes. All hell gonna break loose for Adoptive parents.

And they really by higher law have no right to protests at all. You don’t see my Adoptive Mama protesting me do ya now? No. She would loose all she gained to do me like that? Why would she even want to be like my Mama? No offense. She doesn’t want to leave me?

It’s about Mama realizing that yeah. I felt abandoned. And so did she. And that’s the lesson folks need to learn. More people don’t make abandonment go away? It’s so easy. Folks make it so hard? Holding onto the past? And saying it me? Right now? Your abandoning and denying yourself Mama? Seems kind of silly to me.

The shit went down Mama. And I came back to make it right. Whatever that means. Like let the shit fly. I ain’t moving. God brought me home to You for a reason. More than one reason.

We can’t have you feeling all abandoned all day Mama. And don’t try to lie anymore. I called uncle. So can you. This games sucks like they set it up. And we can do way better. Or not?

If you’re just adamant about separation? Just say so? Close the deal one way or the other. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings. See? Like the worst is over. This is the cross road.

You can choose to loose me again. But will you ever really loose me Mama? Do I ever go away? Or you can just accept that we just aren’t meant to be apart? And to just go for it? Seems silly?

Your always so gang busters? And now it’s like a limp rag? And why? Cuz we say it publicly and move along? Cuz we dare to confess?

I mean if I forgive you? And everything everyone ever said is true? Then what’s the problem? I don’t care? Who does? I care that you care? And I am saying let go of that? The girl will gladly let go? I do feel they will? Our Egos are not that soft?

Why would we not all forgive you for anything? I mean? You didn’t know what being a biological Mother would really feel and be like? It’s not your fault? It’s a reaction to the separating the mother and child very young and how it affects both Mother and child.

Our lives living like this are the honest reactions of three people, And more, and how the affect reverberates through the whole family cell. My Mothers reactions are honest. And there was not theory or hypothesis. Blind taste test. And no return ticket home. Bam.

And after 25+years reunited with my own Mama, I can see the affects on her life and the life of my sisters and family without me there. With a hole in our circle as big as me and my kids and Mama Jean. And to watch them all like robots, walking and saying what they have said for years. And then watch them struggle to speak when I came to visit. Being greeted with insults? Being greeted my a tired Mama in her robe, probably wishing it would all end?

I can’t stay away so everyone can just be ok? Like that’s stupid. To keep what peace? If Mama can’t even enjoy a visit with her daughter without the family policeman coming around snooping? What the hell then? Why not become a reality show Mama? At least we can get paid to try to hang out? Let’s not abandon ourselves again Mama? This part of you is just to cool to ignore anymore?

Why would any woman come all the way home for a looser?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s