My deepest feelings about my Mother

As a child separated from her flock and the warmth of my Mothers touch on my face, I have very deep feelings about her. And a deep connection to her dark side as well as her light side. Neither of them are wrong. She adapted to this military life style. Of denial.

I am as connected as my sisters, I am just aware and vocal. The canary of the tribe. I chirp when I sense something. I am unable to hold back. Mama has been going through a very dark night of her soul. This is not crazy. It’s unique. And I feel Mamas ready for me to tell ya. I’ve been helping her see somethings she didn’t wanna look at? Things I knew deeply about as sure as the blood in my veins.

I know what trauma feels like. We never forget. And when I finally could see? After speaking up? That’s it triggered my own Mama? Which Meant she was hurt too? Trigger for trigger. As I spoke. They hit hers. She confirmed it without me even asking her too? All of the buttons.

Why? Am I am trigger happy lunatic? Well? Maybe? But to just help Mama put the damn guns down? No need to defend yourself with me honey? I get it! I’ve been feeling ya all along. Trying to get back to you. To heal it. That’s mind? That’s could even fathom? A child’s love could ever grow cold? God stokes the fire!

Mamas ready to admit it. I am that connected to her and do have a grasp for her true feelings and turmoils about feeling like she abandoned me. That’s woman loves me so bad it’s gotta be right? Most right thing she ever made. Even if we went left? I still Caught up with you?

Victoria is gifted too. Very connected and unable to lie either. I am the shaman of this family. And she had to cough that shit up to my face to be cleared of it. Amen. Blessed be. And she’s been spelling for a while now. As I steer her here to the right direction to set the intentions to the highest good. How could any other direction be right for our Queen Mother to have all her lambs by her side? United?

What’s been being cleaned up is the energy. The darkness. The ignorance. The lack of knowing. You are all now wiser? And so am i🤘🏼 at how connected we are🤞 and how God kept that connection that strong. So that this shaman could react our Mama when she needed it most. When she needed to see. One that she had been wounded. Two that we all carried it with her? Energetically?

Victoria and I worked on Mama. While the others held space. As we all did our parts. Cleaning this up. To tell my side alone does not deny the whole. It’s releases me to see other sides of it when people struggle on how to speak? And are restricted for lack of language to speak about it? This has affected us all deeply. I recognize that.

And the only way out? Is up. Is facing it. Is learning how much we adapted and still can adapt. This is where Adoption the idea got us. Ideas change. People change. A mother and daughters love never changes. High low up down, love wins. Twice for me.

Like were you all gonna just let it stay that way? Me? Like what does that say about Mama? Ever think about that angle? What is this saying about us? Yeah. I’m pointing here and there? Are ya looking? Did you think your sister? Let alone your own Mama was a dumb ass? Lord have mercy? Yeah? I wonder?

At this point. It’s not on Mama. Nope. Mama? Sit down. It’s on us what’s going down. I know how Mama feels? Do you all? Mama? Prays? And I listen. Yeah? I can and do. What are we gonna do? Yeah. She wants to know? It’s time for us to grow the fuck up! Mama did not say that? I did. Y’all be tripping. Mama is not just wondering and praying like hell for me darlings? You all be getting it too? Is this how you want me to mediate?

We all got to get together and practice what Mama taught us!! Lord have mercy child! You all gonna have to come get me? Send for me? Yeah. You all. Not me. I came three times! Mama knows what that means? New year. New day. Chop chop. Don’t call Mama? She sick of it! Call me! Mama? I am working like a bird dog over here. You are some wizard of oz Mama. For sure. But? Can’t say no to Mama when she send the prayers up I wake up and listen. Just how it is?

She probably thought God just threw them to the wind and they evaporated? Nope. I got um in the wind. Growing up like your dream of me. I got um? You knew what I was going through? Cuz you got mine back Mama. Like any mama would. Bleach can’t break this tie.

Your beautiful. And that’s shits just? Yesterday Mama. And me and the girls gonna get it together. We are learning each other? It’s ok. Don’t cry anymore. I got you? Yes. Your bun fell apart. And now? Your tussles are all tussled and beautiful as the woman that made me can be. Which is pretty damn beautiful.

Like. You had to grieve it on stupendous last time in my arms Mama. Mine alone. Around you from far away? As you passed through. Yes through your dark night if the soul? Can you see it yet? I’ve been holding your hand? And in your mind? Moving shit around so you? Could see what you were bumping into with me? Like being in your own dark room in your head about me? And I was like? Well that? Over there? Oh that is this? And when I said that? It’s lite you up? Like ping? Oh! That!?

And it’s shocking when your kid comes home and is a sharp shooter who shoots from her hip where all good things come from? Like my sister couldn’t see what I could clearly see? They had lived like that for years? I was not programmed to cope with it? Mama? Didn’t want me too. And it was her soul that called to me three times for my energy is that strong. And she needed it. Even if it was only a short time. She needed it. And called me to come to her aid. Straight up.

Like what she and I are doing is deep spiritual work and restoration. As Mama shows me where to focus. I go. And God’s with us. In no man land right now? We going to our promised land. Mama may say she wants to cut me off? No. It’s the old energy she’s cutting off as we both learn our lessons? She’s a damn scholar!! She is the hermit in the Tarot. And it’s been imperative that she be broken free from a church mandate about tarot? Yes. A card game that uses law is attraction to guide your manifestation power that is spoken of in Genesis. Where is God? If not within us all?

What is an issue is not with God? Persay? It is with these brains and bodies? Who get stuck. Why would Mama want to be stuck I ask? She would not? Who answered the call? Me. My kids? Took me three years to find that woman with God’s help? I answered the call. Like Gramma wasn’t praying for it? She told me herself she prayed for me? She didn’t even know my name? She named me Anne? Prayed for Anne for my whole life! She prayed me home girl? This is our destiny? And we must show up for Mama.

Now. She’s needing this. Now. Pay attention to the signs all around you like me? Let’s do this girls. We can. Call me. Let’s begin. Mama on board. Are you? No reasons a good reason at this point?

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