The urge to search is real.

And natural. And this woman’s quest to find her Mama is stunning and beautiful. And shows a very strong bond she had with her Mama. To take the time out of her life to search so diligently for her Mama is beyond what anyone ever told me to do.

And she and I share the same spark and fire for our Mamas. God’s kind of cool in that I am lead to videos like this to share. To get us to open up aid express feelings that may be trapped for lack of anyone seeing to touch them. I’ve touched my Mama quite deeply. And forced her to wrench what she had swallowed.

At first she was angry. It hurt to be touched so boldly in a soft spot. But I kept poking. And squeezing until the puss ran clean.

I think about God. And the big plan. God knows about the big plans for each of us. And this Moses wants everyone in the promised land of milk and honey. Big plan is God would let Mama give me away. And God would let it hurt. And Mama would have to deal with that hurt until she gave it back to God to fix. And while Mama was hurting all those years, God would be working on training her own child to bring her the healing for such a wound. Yes.

I do believe God does think that far ahead. And what did I really know? Except that I trusted God too. Just like Mama. That God would make a way. Where there seemed to be no way? To heal us both. Meaning to bring us back together. Better. Than before. Oh yes. God would make sure we both were better and both realized what a chance we both have right here. What a blessing.

And I for one do not get lazy when a blessing is coming. No no. I show up. And show up early. Way early. Knocking on the door. Where is it? I get excited. Cuz I feel it first like a horse and a storm know each other. Cuz people. I know who I am getting back. I remember. And maybe my sisters forgot? This sister did not.

What a woman when she’s all together. And each of us is a piece from her. Each a unique piece of that woman. And I’m a wild piece of her from the 60’s. And her crowing jewel if anyone would give the poor woman some credit? Like I am amazing! Raw. Wild. Genius. Is someone saying Mama ain’t a genius? Well shut the front door!! You lint lickers!!

Listen. I’ve got priorities!!! And sour dough pancakes at Mama is at the top of my list!! I need a green light? I’m trying to use what manors I have left after 56!!!!! Years Pep’s!! Give a girl a break! I wanna hear her talk to the dog. And me. And whoever else!! And drink some damn coffee at that table of hers!! And wash dishes and windows and floors. And laugh at ourselves. At how dramatic we all are. And how awesome I am for loving your asses so much.

Like I am crazy about all of you? Duh! Are you all telling me? That your sister should hate you all? Not poke at you when your turned the other way? Not want to spend time with your asses and get to know my own nieces and nephews? You’d rather want to think I am crazy and not love that I am this silly and crazy?

Like guys? Our wandering has gone on long enough. And this Moses is instructing you all to step over to the promised land. And this time. You don’t leave Moses like they did in the Bible? You bring him. You all can try to stay where you are and act how you have or? You can choose to get with it and the times. You can remember no one wins if one losses?

Yes. I have poked each of you in your soft spot. Mama. Why is she soft I ask? She should be strong and firm. She should have been processed on many of these griefs she’s been holding and not even realizing it? It’s not your fault. But it will be if you don’t realize what I propose here is for her best good.

And before you scoff. Remember. I am her daughter. And not some rag a muffin off the street. And I want you to be very clear about my intentions in regards to our Mama and I’ll call our your intentions on my way. And our intentions should be for her highest good and not her comfort. She’s not comfortable. She hasn’t been since I left. Fact.

And I am done. I want results. I’ve asked for what is rightfully mine by birth right. I’ve back it up with human rights law. Shall you all stand in the way of your own sister who’s just doing what her heart says to do to get to her Mama?

I want peace. I want an invitation. Why? Because three times you all acted and didn’t act at all inviting. And you all expected me to just take that kind of teatime to laying down? Well say hello to 60’s Mama. Ok? She don’t take no shit. And as per the game here. I’m three times in and your all behind. And a bit proud. To proud to call me and begin.

My kids do do better than that growing up. Like own your shit. I’ve owned mine. I’ve owned it publicly and smeared it on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube. What have you all done? Stood and picked your damn noses that’s what!

Has Mamas cat got you all tongue? Or what? You all owe Mama an apology for being so ill manors with me for starters. Yeah. How about I apologize Mama for not being more supportive. And I apologize for not seeing your need as a Mama and only mine for you to stay the same. Yeah that would be a nice thing to do girls. Do that.

What did I do except call it all out in the open? Wrote about it and made you have to think about folks know what you do? Showing you that if everyone sees it now? God always did? Yes. God sees all sisters. I am Mamas wild card.

If we are gonna do this proper. And I believe Mama would want this done proper. We all can agree on that. Then? A meeting is next. A note of invitation would be lovely. We can plan our next step instead if fumbling like this. We can do better and thank God I could finally stand up and say so.

You all have no idea how hard this has been. Loving all of you so. From a place within me that’s yours alone. Each of you. And that’s my gift. My love. My willingness not to let us stay the way we were anymore and to brave the storms of change. And to share our journey so that others could see it happen and gain faith that they to could reunite with their families too?

We are strong enough to weather a storm of truth. With all our our truths together. A new truth is added up. And this is a huge upgrade for us all to reunite properly. So Mama can hold her head up high. And be proud of what we now have done with what she did. And that we did not give up on her.

If I can want to give this to her surely you all should want it more having loved with her? So what I’m not like you all? I am still Mamas child? Why not look for what’s amazing about me? And me look for what’s amazing about you? Why are we all so stand offish? When we are sisters and have a duty to be sisters?

If God did not want this then I would not have found you. And Mama does not do anything half ass. We know that. And if you all would have reached back at me we would not have had to go here. Mama doesn’t like any of this. Including you all. Duh?

I mean girls. I was bullied growing up. You all were not there to help me. So. I’m a bit scrappy. Excuse me. But I do get the job done. And haters gotta hate. I care enough to keep writing until you all step up. Why should Mama step up with three anchors around her angles? I mean? We all got to step up. And we all can see me standing here stepping up?

Now you. Just begin. Yes. This is embarrassing. And should be embarrassing. And should make us do something. This is what I am doing. There’s more of you than me. And writing and calling did not do anything. And Mama just didn’t know what to do to break the chain. Neither did I until I just prayed and followed my gut.

The gut and the Ego are two different things. It is important to us all I be integrated into the family as an active member brought back from the dead. Or Mama will just keep grieving. Is that what you all want? You all think she’s angry at me alone? Like wake up? She upset cuz separations is not working no more. And we all are not coming together.

It’s gonna make it better for us all. I just wonder why you all struggle to feel that? Cut off from your guts I guess? Girls. There’s so much more than living like this? Can’t you all see? The camping stopped and get together a are lame? What would Phil want? Hmmm?

Phil still matters. He paid his dues. And should be respected forever for his life and how he helped all of you. If he was here I would be spending time with Mama by now. I’d have called and spoken to him and he would have helped me navigate it. Maybe he is now from the other side? He did have a good relationship with God and he knew Mama best.

This urge isn’t going away. And I’m just so fed up with folks thinking it should? What do I do?

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This post is for Mama.

Oh. And I’m already part of this process. That’s what I am saying. You can try to be valiant and all that jazz. But we are connected Mama and I’m feeling it all. So. Yeah. You ain’t hiding shit from me Mama. It would go better if I was there with you. That’s what I am saying. Fire don’t burn me Mama. No more. I’m in this to win this.

And this woman’s a therapist. Licensed therapist. And she’s using the cards to bypass the ego. The Ego gets programmed a certain way. And when God’s healing something the Ego can get in the way of we don’t see that part of ourselves.

That I am writing this? Means I must look at my ego too. And I’ve shown my Ego. And the programming of the Ego from childhood. What I received along the lines of programming and also what I passed along to my kids due to programming. Programming I am confronting and allowing God to change.

Expressing feelings that are is not gonna keep anyone in the same feelings. It allows what is to come up and out for a new feelings a better feeling to emerge. I am working with my Mama to help her do the same as me. Purge that shit.

And if I can express all the garbage I expressed and still be forgiven and have grace cover me? Then Mama can too. Which means when she lets it all out. All she’s trying to say is not there. And which this blog proves there is. How?

Because I am writing about it as it happens. Blow by blow. Inch by inch coverage of healing happening. Healing doesn’t mean we ever forget. Healing means we learned the lesson. And due to learning the lesson we move away from the pain. A scare is always visible. And memories of pain can be recalled. Just like I am recalling mine to show Mama the way.

Yes. To show you Mama. I don’t want ya like this. And I care enough to stand up and say so. I don’t care if you gave me away. I was always your daughter still. It’s was just geography.

I do want you to express yourself. Yes. Say it. Speak. Express. Like your 80. You’ve earned it. And it doesn’t make you weak to let it all out. Letting it all out shows how strong you’ve had to be.

Why should we allow anything to get in our way? Why would we allow our flesh to continue to divide us like this? If God is God and we are Gods Children then we are able. To go around this mountain, to speak to this mountain and it shall be cast in the sea. But we got to get up and do what the word says? Or our faith is dead.

Mines alive and kicking in California. Where’s yours Mama? And what can I do to help besides write my guts out to you here? Maybe it has been a while. Maybe we both have been turned around? Maybe it’s not to late? Maybe for God it’s never to late? Maybe. It’s right on time and now you truly are ready for this? And maybe. Just maybe. God’s got blessings in it for us all? It’s maybe.

Jer. 29:11 states. And we righter believe God or we done Mama. This is where your rubbers meeting the road. And I am calling you out of hiding. Damn it. Your light must shine.

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Now Mama. Read this and please let it get into your soul. That word is true. And what is going on with us and this word here telling us both what’s ahead?

I may be crazy and unorthodox. But I know how to weave a fine story of redemption when I follow the greatest story maker of all time. God.

And yes. I get impatient. I’m not gonna lie. Yes. I get impatient. I am 56! How long Mama? How long?

Psalm 13 English Standard Version (ESV)

How Long, O Lord?

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

Have you not given? Mama? Have you not given to God for God? Yes. I’ll answer. You have.

God has not forgotten you. You’ve forgotten God if we are like this. Remember. And read this. God’s trying to bless us all. Stop over thinking this. God’s ways are not ours. And if we knew it all faith would be useless.

This post is for Mama.

And this woman’s a therapist. Licensed therapist. And she’s using the cards to bypass the ego. The Ego gets programmed a certain way. And when God’s healing something the Ego can get in the way of we don’t see that part of ourselves.

That I am writing this? Means I must look at my ego too. And I’ve shown my Ego. And the programming of the Ego from childhood. What I received along the lines of programming and also what I passed along to my kids due to programming. Programming I am confronting and allowing God to change.

Expressing feelings that are is not gonna keep anyone in the same feelings. It allows what is to come up and out for a new feelings a better feeling to emerge. I am working with my Mama to help her do the same as me. Purge that shit.

And if I can express all the garbage I expressed and still be forgiven and have grace cover me? Then Mama can too. Which means when she lets it all out. All she’s trying to say is not there. And which this blog proves there is. How?

Because I am writing about it as it happens. Blow by blow. Inch by inch coverage of healing happening. Healing doesn’t mean we ever forget. Healing means we learned the lesson. And due to learning the lesson we move away from the pain. A scare is always visible. And memories of pain can be recalled. Just like I am recalling mine to show Mama the way.

Yes. To show you Mama. I don’t want ya like this. And I care enough to stand up and say so. I don’t care if you gave me away. I was always your daughter still. It’s was just geography.

I do want you to express yourself. Yes. Say it. Speak. Express. Like your 80. You’ve earned it. And it doesn’t make you weak to let it all out. Letting it all out shows how strong you’ve had to be.

Why should we allow anything to get in our way? Why would we allow our flesh to continue to divide us like this? If God is God and we are Gods Children then we are able. To go around this mountain, to speak to this mountain and it shall be cast in the sea. But we got to get up and do what the word says? Or our faith is dead.

Mines alive and kicking in California. Where’s yours Mama? And what can I do to help besides write my guts out to you here? Maybe it has been a while. Maybe we both have been turned around? Maybe it’s not to late? Maybe for God it’s never to late? Maybe. It’s right on time and now you truly are ready for this? And maybe. Just maybe. God’s got blessings in it for us all? It’s maybe.

Jer. 29:11 states. And we righter believe God or we done Mama. This is where your rubbers meeting the road. And I am calling you out of hiding. Damn it. Your light must shine.

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Now Mama. Read this and please let it get into your soul. That word is true. And what is going on with us and this word here telling us both what’s ahead?

I may be crazy and unorthodox. But I know how to weave a fine story of redemption when I follow the greatest story maker of all time. God.

And yes. I get impatient. I’m not gonna lie. Yes. I get impatient. I am 56! How long Mama? How long?

Psalm 13 English Standard Version (ESV)

How Long, O Lord?

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

Have you not given? Mama? Have you not given to God for God? Yes. I’ll answer. You have.

God has not forgotten you. You’ve forgotten God if we are like this. Remember. And read this. God’s trying to bless us all. Stop over thinking this. God’s ways are not ours. And if we knew it all faith would be useless.

This merger

This merger already happened in 1963. As I was formed within our Mama, what was merged and joined together with her own flesh happened. I was born. And moved. But never removed from her being. She’s the being i came from. The blessed oven God baked me up within. And that my own sister give me shit about wanting some attentions from my own Mama is beyond my comprehension?

This finally appeal was for politeness. And manors. To allow my sisters to show up ahead of time and not after the fact. Cuz this is going down. Mama wants it. And Mamas getting what she wants. End of discussions. You can either get in or stand on the shore lady’s. As we float by celebrating our success. While you all watch. Is that how you all want it?

Cuz Linda Marie’s daughter does not back down. Nor give up. Let alone on her own Mama. The way I see it. No man could put asunder what god joined together inside my Mama. Everyone else can just give up on the best thing I ever came from. But I won’t. Can’t.

And why would I even want too? Why would anyone think I should? Why would sisters ignore me? Why why why? Indeed. Where are the answers? But inside my sisters heads. Old programs out of date. Relics of old mindsets set in sinking sand. We all need to lay down our arms. And pick them up and wave. At each other! Like I made it home!!!

And we should be celebrating our Mamas strength. And tend any wounds. Like am I the only one? I am a mile or so away and I can feel it. Clean your glasses girls. Mama needs this win as much as we need this win. We can’t hide anymore. I’ll not let us go back to that old way. Not since God showed me what’s ahead is way better.

With all ending are great new beginnings. This is our wrap up. And I want it clear before I even come to call. If you want to talk come and let’s talk and work it out like scripture says. No more of this blocking and hiding from the truth. We are strong enough. Is me standing on a worldwide web not evidence enough of our strength?

I have come three times to Mama door to be greeted with weirdness and unwillingness to communicate about this in a productive way. Chelsie knows well how I feel about that. That’s why she was so upset. She knew what was coming for all of you from me. I can take it so long. And she did not want me to break all of you. She didn’t realize you all were already broken and that I came to fix this.

How? Our Mama has four daughters. Fact. Written in my blood. And I am good and tired of this bullshit show of a family acting like we are strangers. We may be strange. But we are not strangers. If Mama can take Nick in? Well then what’s the problem lady’s? Make it happen sisters. Have I ever really asked you all for a thing? No. I’ve not. Nothing but cards and letters and maybe some love and attention.

It goes both ways. And none of you can say I’ve not sent cards letters and presents? What happened? Let’s fix that. How long? I have nephews and nieces who I would like to meet. What do all of you look like to them? My nieces and nephew? Blocking me what is that saying? What kind of example is that to teach?

And no I don’t mess around when I’m done. I take to the air. Chelsie should have warned you all. Can’t hide nothing from me. And I hate it. When folks try to hide shit and block. In time there efforts fail. But it’s so sad to see grown folks not get what I taught my kids young? Can’t hide from Mama. Why? Because I know my job is to watch over her. If I don’t get a message it’s cuz it’s blocked and not for me to fix.

There’s many things this won’t fix. We have to fix this. Mama was lied to. And now we need to help her get back on track. With all her girls and not just three. It’s called integration. And why would we even want Mama not to have that? Or help her see the benefits? Like people got some wild ideas about reunions these days?

And this separation syndromes got to stop. And it’s stopping right now. With me. No more separation. No more blocking. No more nonsenses. We all need to get about our unity plan. It’s ok Mama. The girls will get it. I’m praying too. I love you Mama. It’s all gonna be alright.

Great video and crosses many traits we all have.

Masking.

Great term to illustrate what I’ve been saying about Adoption. Masking what is with something else.

Maybe I am autistic? Maybe Mamas autistic? Or high functioning Aspergers? Makes me wonder? Maybe that’s what I trigger in Mama? Maybe everyone else is used to it?

Maybe I was used to it in myself? And maybe it got uncomfortable? To keep masking the part of me that has always loved my Mama? Maybe it’s uncomfortable to her too? But she’s just been resigned to her fate or some such nonsense? That’s she need me to rip the mask off real fast and hard. So it could heal from lack of exposure. Her face is amazing. Why hide who you really are anymore.

That’s what I am saying? She seems like she’s hurtles in a corner waiting for folks to stone her to death or some such silliness? Why would my own Mama take so long to show up? What in the world was she told that could Hold her like this?

Guilt? Shame? What? She knows how to drive? What is so hard about driving to pick up your daughter who already came three times? I’m just saying? The fact that she’s not come or called me is why I keep talking about this. Like some kind of kelpie dog bearding Mama back on course or some such nonsense?

Reunions don’t need to be this much work you see? As I see it we have clearly left to much to nothing at all, with no guidelines or any common sense wisdom about it? And to block or avoid it is ludacris. Communication is always the medicine that brings balance. But with my own Mama all jacked up and unable to speak or write a letter of some kind of invitation so we can be done at long last with this business? It’s quite the task as I spell it all out for her here in front of the world.

Mama is just Mama. A woman educated by a system and a spiciest that did not have all the facts about the affect if Adoption on all parties involved. And I want to invite you to riffle through these electronic pages and see what society did to my Mama’s, me and my family.

And we had to adapted. And in adapting we got twisted. Together. Cuz Adoption is a bond man makes with another. And my Mama struggles with a vow she made. And the changing of that vow. The morphing is that vow.

Adoption says it a done deal without asking me if I am done. First mistake. This is done when I say it done. I do have a birth right to what is genetically mine. And a Human Right which is the highest law found, to have my family back. And to have them whole heartedly accept me back.

I have a birth right to ask my family to step up and accept me. I have a right to be upset that they were so poorly educated about my plight. It has been quite unfortunate to have to face ignorance in your own family, let alone teach them better in love with a firm hand.

Each one of my family has some weird idea of who I am and what adopted even means to us as a family. I am not the only one who was adopted. A pattern that repeated. Struck our family twice if not more. I’m not going there right now. It’s systemic the separation syndrome.

syn·drome
/ˈsinˌdrōm/
noun
  1. a group of symptoms which consistently occur together, or a condition characterized by a set of associated symptoms.
  2. “a rare syndrome in which the production of white blood cells is damaged”
    • a characteristic combination of opinions, emotions, or behavior.
  • The last description describes it best. Opinions, emotions, or behavior. It’s a repeating loop of behavior. Much like a washing machine spinning. My family has been looping an altered course for years without me consciously in the loop. Even though I was removed. My cells still live inside my Mothers brain. So I am there in a very psychic way.
  • Since my return my family has continued to spin in their old loop of life concept. And I was likened to an interruption to their flow. Not realizing that I was part of their flow all along by genetic assignment. I imagine they don’t know a lot about energy? Each person assigned to a family is never forgotten about. Each person stores the cellular memory in their body’s dna vibration of each soul in the tribe.

    That’s what’s happened to me that’s made me different to my family. I’ve stored My Adoptive family in my Dna. We all are intact connected like this but the bond between Genetic family and non genetic family is different. And when we alter a child’s placement we alter not only the child but the whole family and world.

    And? We should be getting along about studying the affects because it’s the future that will see the affects of what we do in ignorance. So let’s be mindful of that fact. The future is counting on us all to grow up and learn. I just had to do it early so I could speak about it now and tell what it’s like to have to grow up and put on big girl panties at two days old? Ok!