If it wasn’t for my Mama last husband, I would not have had a clue what to do. Questions. I used to watch Phil with his question magic in Mamas life and everyone he met? He’d overcome
His trauma and formed skills. Bravo. And thank God I memorize people. Cuz I would have been totally screwed with him. And this questions. Which made me ask question. And then to ask other questions.
Phil was very good at questions to stimulate good thinking. Conscious thinking? Introspection? Contemplation. He was quite good. He helped me anyway?
And it’s so weird. I didn’t go to his funeral because I just did not need to feel uncomfortable being the freak. The strangling yo show up and Chelsie Hating me. And it hurt me. But I’ve had that happen before in my life. People don’t realize I really did not have choices growing up and those patterns are work to change? Like the elephant tied to a post? I would just assume position of denying myself for the greater comfort of all.
And you know? No one gave a shit that I come? They don’t even give a shit and show it? Yeah. Adoption again. That good old separation disassociation disorder? All of the above. Taught to be quiet. Having to deny my own needs to keep peace. Having to speak my lines as told not as is? Denying what is after what Is happened and pretend it’s all funny ha ha? Sickening. What Adoptions done to my family.
Rape culture made it to Mamas back door and drove himself home. She. Programmed as to what to see. How it should be? Or not be? This one said this and they said this. Fucked in the ass by the Church? After impregnated? Oh proud Mary? We need to hear you roar.
Adoption is the worst, devious, cruel way to rape a woman. Make her think she’s not good enough and then Let the world pass her child around. Yeah. But I made it to be able to speak up. And it was not easy and my children all bear the scares too. That I now expose so we all can heal.
If I was treated like Shit and neglected? Like a elephant tied to a post? Even though I ran? From Mama Jeans cruel words And actions? She had driven then in so deep they haunted me. And I did not understand how to change that. But I do now. The truth set them free.
It’s like being born again. It’s like clean. To just say what happened. I finally feel safe enough that if I am thrown out on the street while I sort myself out with no assistance. Not even welfare. Well? Guess god wants me in the gutter? I’ve been there before. Seem extreme? But with how my Mamas been acting? I’m just about out of hope She’ll even read this and even care?
I mean Adoption was all about my Mamas and not me. I was just the pawn caught in between their games. One need me and one didn’t feel I was worth the time? But neither of them ever ask themselves the question? What would she want?