I realize that my family has been blindsided.

And I know. My families confused and hurt by what I have written. And now they know what was poured into me. I’ve come clean and barfed the lies up.

And The one truth remains.

I love Mama. I was filled with lies. Like parasites. From everyone that thought they knew me? And my family line. And I swore. That one day. I would tell Mama on them all. And that she would see. That she would show up and show them all.

And that’s what I wait for.

It’s horrible to come home and to realize you’ve been boobietrapped. . To realize? You’ve been altered by well meaning people thinking they knew the truth at all? That’s what Adoption is. Well meaning ignorant folks that think someone else can do better. Well? Wonder what Mama would say now about that claim?

Now that she’s not blind anymore and I’ve shown her all around my world? I wonder? Can she see now? Why. Would I be wasting time blogging if I was flying high? Like I’ve felt like this for years? Only my closets friends know this me. It’s not safe coming out about adoptions abuse?

Like I’ve said? It’s much like being gay? People don’t want an adopted child to visibly choose their Mama despite? Nurture? I want Nature! It did not feel like nurture. It was more like torture. Keeping me when I was sick and wanted home. I didn’t not play. That was my protest. What else did I have?

Want to see me succeed? Give me Mama. She’s the only one who will get it. You all don’t have a clue? Called me crazy? Which mean they called Mama and my Daddy crazy? And I’ve met them? And so I now know? They were not crazy? And they were good people and parents? My father sent all his girls to college? Not me? My sisters went to college?

And Victoria did not and is like me. Thank god. I’m not alone at home. And I think she’s fabulous. Even when she’s acting like a chicken shit. I’ve been trying to wake her up and that’s what was said to me? I was called chicken shit and my family? It’s me telling them everyone said my Mama was a chicken shit excuse of a Mother. Ok. I said it. In this town?

Can you now see why it’s so hard to even be here and that I want to go home? I don’t want to talk about this. That’s why I am hitting hard? But unlike me? My family can’t read between my lines to put it together thanks to Adoption.

My kids can thanks to Adoption. And my family is learning to decode my cryptic communication skill. I have had to learn to talk the way I do to be honest and yet in character. Much like Anne of Green Gables with Rachel’s Lynn. And her apology.

I hate no one. I hate this. Not being able to get my need met? And my Mama telling me I have no need? Mama? This woman’s not you. My life was not like being raised by you? And felt traumatic and opposed my natural flow? I was told I could speak right? And it’s the language change that caused that. I had no reference but Mama to turn to my memories of here. Which caused me to be quite angry because this woman was nothing like her and it hurt? Bad.

I felt much like a peg being crammed into a whole that was not the shape of me? The only way I have seen is to just tell it. All. And sort as I go and help my family see what’s up with me? My sisters are now like Matthew on green gables. When he told Marilla that maybe Anne needs us? And I have been orphaned and yet my Mamas alive playing dead?

Why is this so hard to make folks see? They have it all wrong? Giving up on my Mama is not an option because I deeply know that would be giving up on myself? And I am inviting my Mama to step up and she’s seen how bad it gets? When I cry and want my way? She’s handles it. Now can she handle laughing with me when she makes my dream come true? Can she now be happy for our success? And just make that step like Joshua with the ark of the covenant at the Jordan river and God parted the waters to let them pass? And held back the water for this ark? That held the code. The stories of faith to guide us? To do the same.

Joshua 3

14 So when the people broke camp to cross the Jordan, the priests carrying the ark of the covenant<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-5908AA" data-link="(AA)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”>went ahead<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-5908AB" data-link="(AB)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> of them. 15 Now the Jordan<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-5909AC" data-link="(AC)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> is at flood stage<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-5909AD" data-link="(AD)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> all during harvest.<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-5909AE" data-link="(AE)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water’s edge, 16 the water from upstream stopped flowing.<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-5910AF" data-link="(AF)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> It piled up in a heap<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-5910AG" data-link="(AG)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> a great distance away, at a town called Adam in the vicinity of Zarethan,<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-5910AH" data-link="(AH)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> while the water flowing down<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-5910AI" data-link="(AI)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> to the Sea of the Arabah<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-5910AJ" data-link="(AJ)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> (that is, the Dead Sea<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-5910AK" data-link="(AK)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”>) was completely cut off.<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-5910AL" data-link="(AL)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> So the people crossed over opposite Jericho.<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-5910AM" data-link="(AM)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> 17 The priests<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-5911AN" data-link="(AN)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> who carried the ark of the covenant of the Lord stopped in the middle of the Jordan and stood on dry ground,<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-5911AO" data-link="(AO)” style=”font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; vertical-align: top”> while all Israel passed by until the whole nation had completed the crossing on dry ground.

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