If my life was so fabulous

That’s the question. Well. One of them. And a real good one I might add.

If my life was so damn fabulous. I mean you can have money, fame, this that. The pony, parties, clothes, fancy parents and all the so called trimming.

Why? Would I be spending my time writing here? Answer that?

I would be enjoying all that if that was so damn fabulous. And like money and blah blah blah could even compete with My own Mamas love? Lord Jesus. Be mindful. And pay heed. I’m not hacking around about this point.

All the other just adds weight to the noose around Adoptions neck and all who are extremely ignorant to think this day was not coming for a long time. And I do wish to be one of the first. To throw a blow. And stab at the beast. With my case knife. But I truly believe it’s more like a Razor.

If this woman could even hold a candle. Even. Well I’d be off skipping down the road with her and not be giving a rats ass about my own Mama? Hello?!!! Wtf. Excuse me for being a bit miffed at people blatant ignorance.

This woman tried. She’s can’t even. And I am just not going to lie about it? My Mama feels sorry for herself when she feels sorry for Mama Jean. To covert her own ass she can not feel sorry for her. She did this. Not me? I was a child!!!! Wtf

Oh my goodness. Gets my blood pumping and thank god. Keeps this heart going. What a crock of whooy!!

Take a moment. To imagine me here. Standing in the arena of life. On this little ole blog post. But public none the same. Like a Hooker on a corner of life. A hooker for Mama.

This woman hates me. Talks nasty to me. About spreading my legs and being a slut. She herself spread her legs? When married? She also peppered for a time after my own Mama spread her and gave her me? And she can talk such smack to me?

Well? Mama might take that shit?

But Daddy don’t. Mama doesn’t really remember my Daddy? Maybe that’s why I’m looking like him? Maybe God’s trying to let her see him again? Beyond what she told herself after such a choice as this?

Daddy doesn’t like this woman talking about his daughter like this? It’s abusive and always has been. I had to get used to it? Where was I to go? Who was going to believe what an orphan said? This woman had references and friendships high places? She was known. Who was I? Linda’s mistake. Hell. If I died. And she screwed up. And she did screwed up many times. Who would miss me? Is what I was told.

The depth of this cruelty at my Mamas own hand writing. Is pretty deep. Mama doesn’t even see it. Or maybe now she does. Why in the world if this was candy-land? Would I be wasting my time on you Mama? It would be a waste if I was satisfied? If I could be satisfied with a stranger over you? Lord have mercy.

I feel like Punky Brewster. All fired up and passing back and forth. Trying to talk sense in my own skin. I’ve worn another persons skin. And I’ve shed it. I want my Mama and I don’t care. If MamA Jean can’t take it. Well? She looses. I don’t want that? But it’s time for me to have what I’ve waited so long for and been told so long wouldn’t give a shot about me.

Just like an abusive relationship and the man tells the woman. No one will love you like me. No one will care. Your mother doesn’t care. Well. I was told that behind closed doors. Away for my kids. That’s how slick and cunning the abuse has been. And look at me. 55. And it’s taken me this long to come out with it.

I’ve said what I could here. This is not all. And she knows it. She knows what she’s done to me. But she doesn’t want to own it. No remorse. I am trash. She’s got my daughter. Just like Mama. Who needs me. They’ve got what they want? But they don’t even see it from my view. So in their own world.

And I am telling Mama. Cuz I don’t believe she want to be like that? But she’s bound to this woman? So it’s like she’s bound to act like her. Mama can’t see the link. But we pick up stuff about our partners when married. And this is like marriage. And Mama not realizing the power of a contract and this woman can do whatever she wants to me. She’s told me my whole life.

Why. Would I even say this if it’s so great? And I am done even caring about my Mamas help. Mamas lost it too. I need to take care of me. I hate that. I work best as team. But the teammates are all out to lunch and can’t seem to accept what is.

Why would people leave me in this? And yet they have my whole life. People saw how I was treated? Did nothing. I really don’t want to live here? I’d rather be my Mamas house keeper or grounds keeper than this. Seriously.

But we all know I can do better than that.

This woman’s wanted to teach my Mama a Lesson. A sick lesson. It’s like I was boobie trapped to go off on Mama. And no matter how I tried. The bomb would go off. I apologize Mama. That’s why I am blogging.

To explain all the bookie traps this woman put in me to go off. It’s hard to explain. The kind of abuse this is. So bad? You don’t even believe me. She’s winning. You just don’t even know.

And without you? Why? Who cares. And that really what she wants. She could give a crap. I’m in a garage? I’ve cleaned for years and cooked and done all kinds of stuff. And have wanted a garage. Wow. Like wow.

If my life was so great? Why? Would I give a shit about you Mama? Answer that. How can you even live with yourself treating me like this? And expecting me to give up and blow away.

Lord. Give me strength to rise above both my Mamas and my family that’s out to lunch. Send me some opportunities to move on from this shit show without a prayer. Thank you lord for never giving up on me. Amen

My Mama can care more about what a stranger thinks? Poor Mama Jean? Oh please. What a disassociation of what is? Like coo coo. Checked out? Yeah. I’m a dick Mama. I’m just mean. I am just ungrateful. Not you too? With that grateful shit. Ugh. No loyalty. Where is your loyalty to your blood? Ugh.

Fine. You wanna play chicken shit? Gonna let a stranger treat me like this? Brilliant. Girls? She must have done you dirty too to be so soft now? Wow.

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