If we are all vessels
And as we live are poured into
Then at some point like a pitcher
What’s been poured into us
Will naturally pour out of us
You’ve all been my witness
As the words spoken to me have spilled onto these pages.
It appears there’s a moment when God turns our vessel over
And empties out what we are filled with
Fixes crack from abuses
So we can be filled up again
With God’s love
Not every thing spoken will fill you up with sweet emotions.
Emotions are like the ocean
And gets mixed up like a potion
And the very right moment
As god as my witness
It all come back up to show us
About speaking with words into a child is
Like filling a bag
With hate anger and rage, mixed with some half ass intentions. Oh and not to mention those good old intention not back up with intelligence.
I apologize for pouring sour juice from this pitcher, that my mothers poured in me on my own children. I’m grateful god showed me how to dump all this horrible shit that’s made my stomach feel nauseous.
I forgive my self and my children. We’ve been rearranged for some reason. I guess to fancy my Mamas season and learn some deep lessons.
About family remembrances and stuffing emotions. When Mothers try to paint over what God’s made, just warning. One day that person who was scolded will not be able to Hold it all in.
I just couldn’t take it anymore. Everyone tip toeing around acting like nothing upsetting had happened. And if god says they shall not lie. Then please refrain from complaining when all that was poured into me come pouring out. Just claim it. What ya said. What ya did. Own it. Like me here being brave before all of ya.
Cleaning my act up. Right in front of ya? Yeah. Bravely going where Mamas can’t seem to go? And just dumping what’s been said over and over. So that maybe. Just maybe. She can remember. Something better than those sad mistakes in my memories. But she holds onto them it’s all she has to take. But why does she? Have to swallow all that’s coming out of me. No. That’s the trick. She can just watch it all go by and flush it down the drain.
So easy. But no one seems to see. How Jesus taught us to tell the truth to set us all free. But folks struggle to let go and let their egos get out of control. Our egos is just the character we are and can’t protect us. Only god can protect us. And god’s living within us if we’ll notice?
Hell the scriptures told us? Yet we are all to busy to read and learn here. To busy wanting more. Not understanding why. Wandering in circles like long gone Jews who sure who couldn’t surrender their Egos and complaint. Wander 40 years while God was cleaning them. Walking through the desert of their own experiences they we deaf dumb and blind and didn’t know it. Being lead by the spirit of this planet. That did part the sea to show them who really in charge here is just a prayer away.
Much better than GPS. Just ask my children when they would loose something and I would shout out a prayer in front of them looking all crazy, “lord, you know where _______ is, lead me to it please.” It’s that easy. But you’ve got to be crazy and just believe like me? God answered each time my children all witnessed. As licenses in England were found, and parking spaces were had at the front of the lot?
Demanding won’t do. There is a formula about it. Ask for what you want. Then thank god for the answer. Trust that you’ll find it. Much like I found my Mama? The scriptures are just codes for unlocking the riches that God’s hiding waiting for us to ask, seek and knock to find.
But we must do the work. How ever crazy. I’d rather be called crazy than lazy.
As each Adoptee wakes up from their bender. And chooses to surrender. And pray asking to find what’s for the asking? Let us pour out what’s strangers poured into us unknowing of the mess society was stowing inside you and me dear family of Adoptees. Oh the labels. Pour the truth you have out, so as to make room for new better truths. Believe your Mama loves you and just pray and you’ll get through. Cuz God’s the great switch board and your message will get through. If. You truly believe.
Barf all the doubt up and lies that they told ya. Be brave and be bold loves. Our Mamas are counting on us to find them. Let’s Get on it.
How many Adoptees must fail and show us the pain of finding Mamas dead? And to know she died of a broken heart, and cuz we lacked faith and strength to upend it? She made us? Let go of shame based fairytales. Barf up what people who did t even know her, like we do? Write it out or tell it. But get that shit out.
Our Mamas are Counting on us. And the children of the future are counting on us. To change this. Rewrite this.
I am freely allowing my mind to swirl, and write, to illustrate the affects of this change on my brain. As I swirl and unravel all the lies spoken over me like some tangled up cord of an old wall phone. So hopefully. Mama can recognize me after being tied up to a post for so long and never giving up to get loose. Twisted from trying to untangle myself. I just ask God to help me. I Let go and began to spin as god held me and unraveled me.
This is how it goes. Oh people who’s parents kept you. You have no idea. So be grateful for Mama. Even second Mama. I never want to have to live this life again like this. And I am not ashamed to say to God. Uncle!! When so twisted I could see my only salvation was my plea to be free.
But as we all know the story. You can get killed for your truth. Look at Jesus. I am so grateful he took the hit for me. So I could grow and be able to write here to become stable. Half rhyming and canter erratic. Shows the signs of how long I’ve been holding onto Mamas memory. So hard. I lost much of my childhood memories. For the holding of a torch no one could even see inside me. To remember her was my only desire.
And there is no shame in that. Just that the world would try to make me lie about it?
This vessels cleaning up. Pouring out all that’s not what I need. God is my 12 step program.
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, 3 he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. 4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley,I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
Well my Mama may not want me no more. To proud or ashamed? Or stuck. But god’s got room for me. It’s on here now what she does. I’ve called out for her help. And? Well? Maybe she didn’t cut the mustard? Maybe she didn’t study enough to be approved for such a reunion? Well.
My dark night of the soul was to think my Mama Could not see me. And her Egos just to big and in the way for her too. Thank God the Lord took me up and told me it was ok to tell the truth. And that grace covered my confessions.
I guess I wonder? Who really needs a Mother? So earthly and stunted. Who think her child a demon seed and just gives her away without a care in the world? Wonder if she cares now? But? That’s her deal. Not mine anymore. I varied that shit until God showed me to dump it at her front door. Not mine lady. It’s all yours.
Merry Christmas. Freedom was all I wanted this year. And God delivered. Please Mama. No need to call me. I am no longer able to hang out with you unless you are clean or cleaning. If your working and able to put scriptures to the test and not lazy.
I do love you and am sad about our parting. Goodbyes are hard for me since the day that you left me. And it’s taken me 4 years to unravel to tell you. Unless your teachable. I can’t hang out with you. Talk to God about it if you feel you don’t like it.
But from now on. You won’t be able to get to my energy. God’s restored me. And Chelsie Lynn. The same to you darling. Good luck without me. Guess you don’t need me. And that’s amazing. Guess I got one thing right.
And if you can’t forgive me? You don’t deserve me. And must wander. And eat manna till your cleaner and can understand God’s meaning. Shit happened. But stuffing is not helpful. I apologize for teaching you contradicting stories. But as you might be able to see now if you read here and even give a shit? I had two story lines working at ones fighting each other like the woman fighting within me. My Mamas DNA is strong. And so is my Daddy’s.
I pray you win your battle. Just do the work darling. Barf it all up. It’s the only way. And let the truth set ya free to be who ya know you came to be.
Merry almost Christmas folks.
Thanks for swirling deep with me today.
I hope it made some sense? I’m so tired of folks calling me crazy.
If I was diagnosed with some rare disease? Maybe folks could accept that this is what ya get when you fool with Mother Nature?
I have had a dis ease about loosing my Mama. And I am not ashamed to say so. That I held onto my memories of her for dear life and let life just fly by. I did not care about anything but my love for her.
To grow up feeling so unworthy. To sit at my own Mamas table. To be sent to a corner to live with strangers who tried to console me. I thank them. Truly. But alas. All I wanted was Mama back. But alas. She’s just to busy? To this. To that.
Birth Mama heed this message. Don’t be like my Mama. Ok? Please hear me so your child doesn’t have to do what I do. Teach the lessons about how to address an old wound that’s been hidden and reeks from the stench.
We love you. And are the cure. You have been wounded. Yes. Taken advantage of. But not by us? We come back to heal you. Don’t be like my Mama and block your own healing. I don’t blame her. She can’t help it. She never learned her lesson? She knows not what she’s done.
And it’s finished.
Your not alone. I’m here. Speaking to try to get folks hearts opened to receive understanding of what’s done when Adoptions scam is over. Parents spend what they did not have to give? Mothers shriveled up and twisted. Holding an old way. Unable to understand due to lack of learning. Books are free at the library. On the web knowledge is found.
And one last thing. Crying is healthy. So stop blocking your emotions. It’s not healthy and was a bad idea started when we knew no better.
- Tears help us see. Starting with the most basic function of tears, they enable us to see. …
- Tears kill bacteria. No need for Clorox wipes. …
- Tears remove toxins. …
- Crying can elevate mood. …
- Crying lowers stress. …
- Tears build community. …
- Tears release feelings.
let’s learn how to accept the processes of healing and growing. Let’s not let our Ego stop us.
Thanks Lord. You rock. Thanks Mother Earth. You definitely rock. Xoxo.
Healing was all I really needed. This year. Xo.
May you get yours. Just do the work.