I feel like some ball of twine…

After growing up adopted. Finding my Mama. And all that jazz. This blog shows how much I was just wrapped up into a ball of all kind of feelings.

And speaking about it now looks like twine all over the floor. Like a colorful mess. This feeling that feeling. All colors mixed together in a kaleidoscope.

Growing up in an altered state changes that way you see it when your 911 come to call and the twine just begins to unravel on your life.

Once you find Mama? Who is true north? Your whole system updates. And what made sense no long makes sense and new ideas flood in to your system to guide you to new destinations.

I feel like Snow White waking up after eating the apple. Except. Mamas not there to greet me. She’s hiding in the bathroom or something. Still to busy for me. Like it’s surreal.

I hope Mama has learned. Moving you baby doesn’t do shit for shit. At the end of the game over its game on. For reality to set in. Damn it?

She didn’t like this game of hide and go seek? My bad? It’s tragic and magic. All in one ball of twine. Rolling around on the floor undoing all that was done in the name of love.

It’s like all of it and known of it. It’s like learning to live again after all was said and done without even your input? As if to say, “you don’t like your new home sweetie?” And me like saying, ” I just didn’t like not having you”.

If learned as my twine unraveled, people don’t like messes. And it appeared I was some kind of mess to my own Mama? And it now appears I am an even bigger mess now that I’ve unraveled from it all?

Adoption is such a lie to us all. Mothers who think giving a baby away is better than keeping what’s been given? Woman who aren’t mothers and want to be so bad that a child would have to deliver their dreams at all cost. It’s insane.

Family that doesn’t like me unraveling as if I had some Choice? My own children not understanding what’s happened to their own Mama? Looking at me differently? Now feeling like a stranger to them. When all I want is to be validated and understood.

Words like yarn wrapped around my soul held me in place. Until God lead me back to true North. And now what? What now? What hope is for me now Adoption? What are you going to do for me now that all of the words fell away and just left Linda Marie’s daughter standing naked and alone?

That’s why I am upset. Adoption gave me no guarantee. Adoption gave me only one option. And Mama was not one of them evidently? Is there no place like home? And where is home now at the end of Adoptions day? Hmm?

No one even thought about us. What we might want after our lives have grown up and all the fairytales are over. What’s left? A child now grown. With no home and not place to go too?

Thanks Adoption. You really thought this through didn’t you? I feel you should have to pay me back for what you took without my permission. You fix it with my Mama now that you told her all these lies. You make it better for me now that it’s clear it’s not better at all with her and me.

You, take back all you said. Cuz I am living proof that you suck so bad right now, my own Mama can’t take me back. Or won’t. Or see no need to even be what she will go down in history being. My Mother, lies too, brainwashed, and left ignorant. And educated by me. Thanks a lot for all the warm fuzzies. All I needed was her all along. That’s all. Her.

And I may not get her. Thanks for that too. God gave me to her. She’s gave me away. And now doesn’t even want what was made from her back and is a Christian? Thanks devil Adoption for fucking up a good thing and making family matters so complicated.

Well. Shame has nothing to do with me and that’s the point. There is no shame in me. I was a child. I learned about shame growing up a slave to an idea that keeps babies from their families and their Mamas and calls it God’s love.

Adoption does not equal love for me. It’s equals pain, separation, identity crisis, sadness and grief from a loss so deep? I don’t even think my Mama could fix it. She won’t even try. Which says a lot. She’s always been strong and a go getter. But now has gone silent at the cry of her grown daughter begging to let her back in?

I’ve knocked on the door like Jesus said. I’ve banged on the door, was let in to be told again and again I am not welcome and had my own Mama say she was not my own Mama?

Riddle me that Adoption? What a crime has been perpetrated on me. The daughter who just wants it to be over so I can go home, has no home.

Please excuse me for my honesty. I must have misunderstood the saying, “honesty is the best policy”?? What has honesty gotten me?

Well? It’s helped me realize how society really fucked me in the ass on this one. No one gives a shit? Like wow.

Merry Christmas’s to me. Like wow. What an eye opening experiences telling your truth to a room full of crickets called family.

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