Digging my Mama out of an old mental cage of thinking is hard work for a little bird dog like me. But diggings what I do best. Pushing is what I do best when she can’t get out of the hole she’s been in since we separated long ago. Light is what I bring to my Mamas dark and limited view, to illuminate all that she couldn’t see, showing her the mess all around her. And cleaning as I go. Like Mama Jean taught me to do.
It’s kind of like cleaning a house what I do. Mamas mental house was cluttered with so much pain from yesterday’s choices. And it was time to just get in there and work. So I did. I am reiki level one certified energy healer. My teacher when I was taking my first class, said after I practiced moved energy through reiki on her, “great healer”. My Instructor felt the healing touch from God within me. And God is strong in me. God is my rock. God has walked me through a life without my own Mama to hold. God is everything to me. And god loves my Mama so much.
She could not just be left. I could not repay her with more rejection. I’ve pushed all the buttons on my Mama unit. God within her will activate. I’ve shown you my process here of our rebirth. I’ve shown you exactly what to do to get through. It’s up to you now, whoever you are, to take what I’ve shown you and apply it to your own story that needs revamping.
It won’t be easy. I’ve shown you all my emotions as I work to right this left handed slap to our family. I’ve thumped my Mamas heart to make it beat again. I’ve hit her left brain and then the right. Back and forth to get her back to her right sided of thinking. Where creativity is and new ways come alive. I am her artist.
And I am a messy painter. I am a wild investor of our new future. I am a fierce daughter with a dream!! Just like Martin Luther I work for freedom for my Mamas mind. For her to come back to life again. Yesterday is gone. I shared my feelings last night. I was tired. I was hurting. Why? Because Mama is tired and hurting. And can’t seem to see. How much she needs this from me. Yes me. The one she gave away. It’s God within me screaming at her to wake up. Why?
Because there is work to do. I am a preacher. A field hand for God. I work daily to minister healing and help to those who need to see and come to me for light and truth. And there are many who come across this bird dog. And I dig them out of the Mindsets that hold them captive and keep them from the blessing that God wants us all to have. Mama’s never seen a preacher quite like me. True.
From what I can see? Her hearts doing all she can to work for God. She’s got a lot to give. And if god’s calling me? God’s calling her. That’s how it is. Our bond is that strong. She loves the Lord. This I know. She’s just been confused. The churches she goes too? They don’t preach like me. I am salty. I am raw. I am submitted to the highest law of this universe. And Mama’s matter is what my life has taught me. Especially your own Mama.
I’ve loved a lot of Mamas in my life. And many I’ve broke open like A chocolate bunny on Easter. Because Mamas are so amazing. I’ve helped many Mamas in Trouble. I’ve lead them to Christ. I’ve cooked and taken them in. I’ve taught them how to cook and run their home with care. Used my own funds to make the differences needed to help folks get out of their own way. I’ve had to get out of my own way and followed God’s way. Which is a bit crazy these days.
So many churches preaching nice sermons that don’t change a damn thing. Keeping folks in darkness and their pockets filled with cash as folks go hungry all around them it’s insane. A church is a place, within. It’s not a building. And a preacher best be hitting ya hard or you won’t grow. A preacher must preach the mean sermon that gets folks activated and alive. Salt heals a wound. And I pour that on thick.
Because folks need words that matter to guide them through whatever comes. It was time for Mama to see herself through my lens. And it was hard walking along side her like this, telling the tale of her child’s life back to her. And my words of truth hit her wound like salt and made her pull back for fear. But fear can’t hold my Mama no more. Not on my watch. And I’ve been a watching Mama long enough to know. When it’s time to change the set.
She deserves better than a messed up story and feelings like a failure. I got those wounds with salt. Over and over. Working the energies. Going up and getting in her sphere. Blasting her aura with light. Mine. And God’s from within me. Stirring her pot and making it boil. Throwing potato’s in and carrots to make a stew for anyone who come across her path to eat from.
She can’t walk around forever with her head down. No. Not with me lifting that beautiful head of hers up to see the horizon. The sun is coming up. And the dawn is here of her new day with healing shoved into her wings. By me. Her baby girl who loves her so much that she braved, and faced the demons chasing Mama. I chased them away like a woman with a broom chases away a pole cat. Go! Go! Go!! You fowl demons of thought that have pledged my Mamas mind too long! In Jesus name! I command it!
Each day I pour my words out here. And hope is what helps me do that. Each day I empty hope onto the pages. And each night I am empty of hope. Each new morning God’s filled me again with hope for this new day. God is my hope. And God lead me home by God’s own hand and my prayers coupled with obedience to go back for Mama. No Mama left behind is my Champaign. No Mama left for dead. No Mama forgotten. No Mama sucks. I’m taking her back and holding her to my chest where she can feel my heart beating because of her.
For God so loves my Mama. That he gave his only begotten son so that she would live. What living is there without all your kids? Her testimony just got a revamp. Her testimony is now powered up. For she can hold her head up high and know without a shadow of those doubts to the depth of this woman’s love for her. Enough love to fight the powers and rulers of the dark spaces of her mind that chained her away from me.
It is finished. That’s what Jesus said. It is finished is what I say. And now the beginning is here and the close of a nightmare is over. I’ve poured the oil and the wine onto her soul like the Good Samaritan on the road of this woman life. My truth has set her free. She is my one. And I’ll be damned if she gonna be left outside the fold. I know what that feels like. Not gonna just stand by while she dawdles along Life’s path wounded and invisible.
She’s just to precious to leave her that way. And there is work to be done for God. And I want her on my team. But she needed healing as much as me. Closure is key to a new act beginning. The curtain had to be drawn and the old set burned. So that a new set could be erected for our new act to begin. Anyone who reads the Bible should know that God loves a good ending. A dramatic ending to prove the point of change.
Pharaoh had her long enough. Our promised land is on the horizon. And this Moses? Is taking Mama with her. No Mama left behind. Even if she thinks she wants to stay in pharaohs palace. She’s gonna love the promised land. And God’s got so much in store for her in my life. Along side me her preacher is where that woman should be. Why?
Cuz she’s a rock. A hard candy rock filled with yummy filling. And I want the world to taste her flavor. I want the world to see who I came from. Yesterday’s words are gone. I’m not holding onto any fears or doubts. I’ve written them down as my testament and confession before the world as my witness. To allow the glory of god to be seen in my precious Mama.
The Ego is to be submitted to higher law and must be corrected. I’ve corrected us both in this process. It’s a course change. I’ve gone back and confronted her ego and educated her mind. I’ve turned all the lights on so she could see what had really been ailing her. Faith without works is dead.
There is so much to be done. And Mamas my girl. Shes strong if pointed in the right direction? She’s dangerous to demons that hold folks captive. Just like me. She’s a warrior. And the world need to see a life this rare, this strong. That nothing can stop. Nothing can stop God’s love within me for her. Nothing. God is all and all is God.
And when I moved back to California when my son was so young. God said Now. As we were driving into California, God spoke to me and said,”it’s time to begin to search.” So I prayed and followed God’s every lead to Mama. And God came through in many fabulous ways!! God did want me to find Mama and I did. It’s was like a scavenger hunt with God leading and pointing. Here. There. People were sent to tell me things. People came and Encourage me.
I’ll tell you about one day. I was working at a fabric store in Colusa. I’d move back to Colusa. It had been six months since the move. Before I moved a birth Mother friend of mine that I had met at a battered woman’s shelter I donated my time to, told me, “I would hear about my Mama through someone I met”. Little did I know at the time she had prophesied over me.
The day I am telling you about was six month after NaN told me that truth. When two woman came into the fabric store. They were looking at fabric and talking. And I heard them say they were from Gridley, the town Mama was from, the town Jack who had answered my add in the paper from the city where I was born lived. And my heart jumped as I heard them talk. And I heard Nana that moment, say, ” you’ll find out about your Mother through someone you meet”. As clear as a bell, God then said to me, ” ask about Jack”. So when they came up to the counter. I asked if she knew Jack Brumley.
What came next was exactly what NaN said. In less than a minute of telling her my brief version of my story. She remembered my Mamas parents. First came my Grandpas name, Gerald. She then told me he worked at the hospital, and that my gramma was a nurse back in the day. And then she just blurted out, Linda!! Linda Halterman!! Bingo! Delivered to me on God’s silver plater! By a woman I had never met. In less than a minute she told me my Mamas name. Which is like mine! I dropped to the floor in my mind and took a moment to take it all in. This was a very special moment in my life. To finally hear my Mamas name? And to see how God made sure all the details were visible.
It’s blew my mind! Linda? Linda? That’s my Mamas name? It’s like mine? How is this I thought in my head? I’ll tell you this, that meeting was divinely guided. No doubts in my mind. That’s the story Mamas never really taken a moment to hear? To many demons screaming in her brain? To many lies covering over our beautiful reunion story to see?
What a day that was. And I shared it. With my children who would be meeting their gramma soon. I just didn’t know that at that moment yet. We exchanged numbers and she told me she had a grandson who was adopted and that if she found out anything else. She would call me.
And she did call me. After Jack came over to her table one evening and talked to her about his two daughter who lived in Oregon. Listen. God knows everything. And god lead that woman straight to me. That’s when I knew a direction? Like this came after Mama rejected the notion of reuniting when I heard it from Jack. He knew I was heart broken when he had to tell me that news six months before. And he just could not confront my Mama. So God just went around him and her? It was amazing to witness how much God wanted this for me and her.
I threw this project away countless times. So I get how Mamas digging in? But when God’s say go? You go. When God parts your Red Sea? You walk to the other side. Even if you feel like Moses? You walk. You do. You obey the voice that’s sending people to you, and showing you the way home, my promised land. God sent me to her first. That’s a fact. So I am doing like Cardi b and backing it up. Because I am the queen of talking shit and Gods backing it up. Lol
Because to be healthy the shits got to go!! You got to confront the haters even if they live in your Mamas mind? Lies and misunderstanding. Having my family not support our reunion whole heartedly is a sad state of affairs when your Mama has given Them so much. They could be so happy but they feed off her doubts and feed her doubts? Why? I believe it’s due to a bad connection with God. Yes. I do. No hate. Just my perspective.
The Ego is real. And Mamas trusted her Ego and not God for to long? She will be upset that I say this and that’s exactly what I am addressing. The flesh must die. Christ must be honored and our connection is real and need to be tended too. I have come to far to just let my doubts and exhaustion get in the way of progress. Progress means letting go of an old way. And being a bird dog? I know how to flush a dove from the thicket. My Mamas that dove. And I want her to fly high again and to hear her Song of Songs.
These readings just back it all up. And God who can make a donkey talk can use tarot to heal my Mamas ideas about things the church says is wrong. It’s about the heart. Tarot is a card system that God can guide us with. Just like prayer except that we get the feedback we need. My sister Victoria does tarot. And that what is so crazy? In secret? And I am boldly just proclaiming what I have learned about tarot? And it’s doesn’t line up with the fear tactics the church in ignorance has lead me to feel about it all. Tarot is science backed by law of attraction. These woman are messengers. And the church is just limiting people in their manifestation. Genesis states that we are made in the image and the likeness of God? And God is within.
These readings below back all of this I do up. God gives way more than a shit about this. God wishes to: restore what’s been lost with us by giving us more to fill ourselves up. This is our Job moment. We have lost. But God’s bring a blessing!! But the Flesh must be laid down. The mind must submit and choose to be willing to try to see the ships arriving in our harbor. All it takes is a mustard seed of faith to bring it all back home and turn this tragedy into triumph. And a testimony!! To rival any haters!! This love is amazing.
Hurt feelings come and go. Love always remains after a storm. I’ve shown up and continues to show up to do this vital work to help other Adoptees to have hope that they to can go home? Healing looks crazy. Yes. This is a reinvention!! Yes. I am doing a renovation of our relationship.
These puppies I am looking over show me the natural pull of a child to a Mama as I write here now? One is wandering around crying for Mama and won’t be comforted nor go to sleep. That dog is me. And Mama is the Mama dog who’s outside in the cold, not sure what to do, and won’t come in? And yet this puppy needs its Mama still? It’s crying. And wandering all around looking for it’s Mama. It’s nature folks for us to want our Mamas back? It doesn’t mean we are broken? Or does it mean we hate our Adopters which for me felt more like a captor. It means we are just doing what’s natural. But Adoption said it wasn’t natural because Adoption is not natural it is an idea that a baby needs saving from a world that can’t celebrate birth in all its forms. Adoption leads woman to believe that someone else can do the job better? And that’s a lie straight from hell folks. Not better. Just different. Which made me different. So different my Mama struggles to see herself in her own child. That’s a point there too. Adoption changes how we act and speak and yet does not dampen the love within me, her daughter, for her own Mama. Brainwashing will not be tolerated nor ignored. This is a broadcast of the stations rebroadcast of her station. It’s crunch time. 2019 is coming. And the promised land is there. Clean it up is how I roll. We ain’t taken no hoarded bullshit from yesteryear into the new and I’ve turned all the tables over and mopped the floor. Now it’s time to get ready to go.
I would suggest that Mama do some cleaning and donate some stuff she no longer needs to someone who can use it. It’s liberating to let go! Yard sale that stuff. Clean. Move the energy and see if I am right instead of just doing the same and getting the same. She could put up some different pics and make the place look while with all of us on the walls. I really don’t like being left on a shelf, low and out of site. I’m a star. Hers. She told me and made a plate and face it to me. I am always her super star, now gone nova! Boom! It’s bright!
It’s much like growing up learning a new language from a far and distant land, much like Joseph in the Bible? I’m sure he looked like a sight when his father rolled up after his brothers were bowing before their own brother they almost killed and the dream was fulfilled and they could see how shallow and filled with Ego, they all had been? And yet God used their Egos to save the family years later by making Joseph the keeper of the grain stores. I am sure his father was taken back to see his precious son looking like Pharaoh? I’m sure it was an adjustment. But a fathers love is strong enough to see past the makeup and clothing. Yet within, under the paint and garments was a Hebrew man who loved his family and forgave them. This is that story all balled into one. Moses. Joseph. Job. Jesus? All these story have fueled me to pursue my own reunion. God’s words guides me through the valley of the shadow of the death of our old way of being and into a new bright day of being who we all are. Connected. Family. Even Mama Jean. Yes. Mama chose her and she stays too.
And the connections are getting a clean up. By god’s own hand. It’s amazing that God loves us all this much. And I am allowing you all to see the process. Why? Because God is real and alive and does care about these seeming little things like a Mama? Mary was a Mama.
Like? God is relational. I mean eve was taken from a rib? From the structure that house the vital organs? It matters that this piece of Mamas heart be placed back in her proper place for all to see the miracle of my love!!
Mama thought I hated her. Nope. I just hated what’s she was thinking. So I blew it all out like the tornado that I am. God’s used me and given me fire words and a hot sword to cut this shit away so she can grow and bloom and bear much fruit!!
My Mama is a Marie who came from two strong woman names Mary, and Margret. It’s destiny. And Mamas forgotten we live on a ball that hangs in space with no string? She forgotten we are held her and spin 1000 miles an hours. She lost track of that fact that this place is magic and that magic is God. Mama can’t see that she lives in a cell and is part of that cell and that God the cell is healing her connections. Through her own seedling. God’s talking to her heart and making it beat right again. God’s pumping all the sludge of yesteryears away and pouring fresh water into her soul so she can see clearly the glory she reads about is for her too. Yes. God gave more than one shit about my Mama. God sent this little shit to do the dirty work she needs.
My Mama is the tree God grew me from. And she can clearly see that God tended to me through another woman. It’s an amazing story of restoration and I will not allow anyone to taint this well. God is the moringa tree from the Bible and has thrown the branch of healing into Mamas pool of consciousness to revive refreshing water to drink from. And I am the witness for her redeemer draws close to her hearts door and her dogs are barking because her bride groom cometh and lives in me. And I’ve taken painstaking doing the work psychiatrist could even show me how to do, but God’s shown me how to restore what the canker worm took from us. For healing is real.
And the great counselor taught me the way. Lead me through the desert. To bring the morninga branch to Mama. God is the only professional I needed to do such a thing and give this gift that will continue to be given from my heart to her eternally. I am an 8. Infinity is my number. And Mamas is a 7 when added up. Seven is the number for the divine. The signs are here. If you take a moment to fear not and have a look. God’s hand is all over us. It’s plain as day. But without proper education we perish and don’t see them for fear sake.
God has not given any of us the spirit Of fear. But has given us power, love and a sound mind!! My mind is sounds as hell itself. Which is were Mama was. We just get taken over with fear for lack of undertaking the big picture of the tapestry of Gods making in each of our lives. Fear not. Be bold. Go after what’s been given when God brings it back around. Grab the brass ring. And go home. God will send anyone to help you just like me.
God is no respecter or person. These blessings are for us all to take and have and hold. That’s my message of redemption to all in the Adoption triad. This is a Trinity now. And back in the day before all of the Adoptees grew up, the world we live in just couldn’t see what I experienced for lack of a language to speak it straight. I am that messenger. I am that preacher to help us all see there is a better way than just throwing the baby out with the bath water. And calling Mama a whore. My Mama was not a whore!! She a precious vessel I came from!
And so. We begin to do a vital work that must be righted. Adoption is a left brained idea invented in the days when religion separated us all from where God sent us to.
The real reason Moses was sent down the river Nile was due to a lunatic in power folks. He was the one who need to go down the river. And Moses was lead to drown his brother in a sea. You tell me Who won? In the end. Moses returned to not only his Mama? But lead his people Out of bondage. That’s me. Leading Adoptees and their Mamas and A mama’s into 2019 free. It’s about time.
Thanks for diving real deep today with me. I hope this post brings you the hope you need to keep going. It is worth it to go home and help Mama see. And victory in Jesus is mine in this matter of my heart and god’s.
Woman must be lifted up. Woman must stand up for each other. And I. Have stood up for and to my own Mama to make you all see. A child always loves their Mama and does know the way back into her heart, because I never left that precious heart. I just got locked within and stuck in an old narrative that I outgrew long ago, but lacked the knowledge on how to change it. But now I stand tall as a light for all to see that the way home is destined. So go. Do. Pray. Ask. Knock. Seek and you’ll find that closure from a cut so deep that never severed a damn thing and just made us all bleed.
God bless ya.
These readings are so telling of a struggle that’s about to end. By the sword of my own tongue I command it so. Amen. And as my sissy says. Blessed Be.