I really thought my Mama would get it, and would be understanding since she is a devoted Christian. But that is not what is showing up for me right now. I have a family, that is very tight knit, and they believe they are excluding me from the family fun, due to I guess I am a naughty girl? I stepped out of character. And I am tired of being the ghost in the house, that everyone just ignores. And they seem to believe that they can just ignore a part of their own dynamic that has been hidden from view for as long as I live and breath, which is a bit of a calculation mistake. Its so sad to see us like this and to be trying to help folks see? Me amongst all that I was taught, and my mannerisms and behavior that my family just can’t seem to understand and help me through?
My Mother and sister, tell me I need help. But that help does not include them. It includes my children? But not me. Evidently I have gone to far to return? Guess they don’t realize a cry for help when they see one? Like I have tried and tried again to get through and have been just pushed away. Like I am dirty or something?
Getting your needs met growing up with a family that is not geneticly yours has forced me to adjust and innovate. And evidently, my family does not like my innovations and tell me repeatedly that I am a mess. Well, thank you so much for the pointer! Stick me again and again! Surely if I could, I would do better, but they seem to have a cat who’s got the tongue of them all and can’t seem to support me to be better?
What I have had to look at is that I am SOL, shit out of luck when it come to getting support from them. Like? Its just so disconcerting. You get sent off to Adoption camp and when your grown and want to go home? There is no home. Is that helpful to me the child Adoption is supposed to have helped? NO it is not. I mean not only am I torn apart, my family is torn apart too. With my children all upset and not knowing what to do?
It has been difficult for Chelsie to even accept that I was this hurt, this wounded by something everyone says is so lovey dovey. And I write and I write to help folks understand. I even try to be funny, but this guys is the toughest room in the world, my family room is just non-responsive. And its crushed me, like a rose under their feet, but they don’t like roses and tell me I stink.
I really could use some good old sister love and understanding right now. And yes, I got very upset and angry and pointed everything out to everyone involved, for a reason. To look at what is, so we can make some adjustments, healthy adjustments, but My family, and especially my Mama have the behavior of unforgiveness and stiffed armed rebellion about me as a family member?
I can go down to any blood bank and get my blood taken, and that fluid will link me to them, but bloods not thinker this time. Or not now at least? They are all to busy for me. Even when I was not to busy for them and chose to stop what I was doing to tear it all down and clean this all up. But folks just want to hold onto grudges? So disheartening to a girl who is a christian?
I have pointed out lie and been called deceitful and all manor of heinousness. My Mama has called and quoted scriptures at me, like I am some kind of leper. I wonder if she wonder where I learned to be like this? I wonder if she ponders, how I got so upset? Why do I want to be near her? Why would I be so dissatisfied? And my children have to watch and learn about how it is for their own Mama, to be treated like junk, trash, unforgivable?
I really had faith that Mama would realize and step up to help me as a human being that she gave birth too? But nooooo. I am Gods child alone. And God is who I have to turn to now, without my family support network to look too? She’d rather read 4 bible studies a day then live one with me. She’d rather take smack about me, think smack about me then roll her sleeves up and finish what God sent to her first?
And tonite I am sad. And tired. And lonely. And homeless. Looking around for someone to turn too. My Mama even got help from her ex when she was pregnant with me and not even that fact hits her in her conscience ? Like nothing rattles her cage, she likes the cage. That is what I see, and she’s not even telling me different?
Bridge the gap my ass. Cut off forever. Now cut off from my Chelsie Lynn too. But, ok Lord. Just you and me then and this blog. God is enough. And thought my Mother forsakes me, God will pick me up. Thank you Lord, your all Ive got right now. My kids can’t see it, they are just to close to the issue, they came from me and have many of the same wounds I have. Its like separation pattern on steroids.
I don’t know that I would pick up the phone anyway if they called now, I am too upset and now wounded even more. Now that I know for a fact that my Mama does not love me, that she could never love me, that is all was an act? Its a bit to take in. Its rough to witness such blatant disregard. And tonite I mourn our loss. And the loss of so many like me trying to mend what was torn apart.
My Family just can’t understand, not even Mama Jean can understand, she’s never been relinquished and I have never even gotten the grief counseling I should have gotten. Don’t tell me I have not gone to counseling? Because I have for many years gone to counselors to figure it out. Counselors just don’t get it, how to help me get all this up like this blog has. Each counselor danced around like a cat on a hot tin roof and failed to see the issues that pledged me.
A broken heart is what Adoption gave me, by my own Mama’s hand. She broke my heart, and re-broke it again and again turning me away. Lord, do not go to Mama’s house, she won’t let you in, she won’t let me in and I am your child too. So sad. She seems like such nice person, to everyone else but her own daughter.
Excuse me for outgrowing bullshit. Excuse me for stepping out of the damn line and changing the script. This just does not reflect who I am inside. I am warm and giving. I give to many, just like my Mama does. I help folks that are homeless even though I am homeless right now myself? A garage is not a home? And I was so sick when I moved over here after my husband bailed out on me? While I was going through my breakdown? So nice, But I am glad he did, I don’t need some hanger oner to just stand around picking his nose while I go down? And keep the house clean and take care of Mama Jean when she was half dead? From drinking so much, due to her own issue that she’s had for years.
Being raised by someone who medicates with alcohol and gets so vindictive takes a toll on a person. I am not going to candy coat it anymore. Mama Jean fell apart after the divorce, and I was the only one who tried to show her, life was worth living with my Dad, but she couldn’t even see that? And she still has issues and takes them out on me regularly, and my son. She seems oddly ok with the girls? But David and I get the trash daily. And it hurts to have to deal with alone.
Go pay a professional they said. Go is really what they said, go away. My own sister Victoria saw and meet Mama Jean, she can’t even realize the toxicity. Even thought Mama Jean shot arrows and eye daggers at her while she was visiting me in my now sold home. That is really what I see, that they are wounded too and can’t even figure out what hurts about me. Sad, cuz I see and have the remedy. Truth, and love. Real love, not just flower love and sunny days, but gritty love that shows the hell up and cleans the messes kind of love.
Ive pushed my love and longing for my own Mama down so far, so many times, for so long, that my subconscious just got full and all that stuff just came out like barf on the floor of my own life. No one even cared to help me clean it up, so busy they all showed me. My kids used to tell me I spoke Psycho babble. Now they know why? I had to to learn how to navigate this lovely life of an Adopted woman who’s only prayer was to go home.
I told my sister that the first time we spoke on the phone. Little did I realize how upsetting those words I spoke to her would be and that it would cut me off from her, due to her own Adoption scenario. She can’t see it, but I do. She hid her child too, and the pattern continues. And I really want off this ride, now. But like the kid at school who’s Mama forgot her, I wait and wait for someone to pick me up and take me home.
I do feel some relief writing about my feelings here. Even if no one came to read this, at least I put my truth out there so someone could see the call for help. And to see that is not like Adoption says it is, not for me. No one could hold a candle to my Mama, even if she hates me. I will die loving her. I will live on loving her until my last breath. Even if everyone says its hate, I know. I know what this love for her has helped me do and be.
Being given away has changed me. Its made me compassionate to a fault, as I give give give, for the cause, with no sit of a return. Probably when I die and am released from this body that hurts, I’ll have peace. And I will work and write until that day to help make it better for another girl or boy who’s been taken without their permission. Children are human beings and this world treats them like trash to be just yanked out at any whim, or fancy to the highest bidder.
I have not felt safe in this world the way it is today. Wars and rumors of wars, children abandoned by the one person who’s supposed to be your rock. Growing up feeling so out of place and misunderstood. Having doctors cut on me, and not even see that I was mourning a loss? That I was heart broken and it made me sick that Adoption was the only way? Which did not feel like a way, it just felt like detour.
I have these puppies that were born on Halloween. And each time their mama comes around, they smell her scent and get up to go to her. Why was I any different? I did not like how Mama Jean smelled growing up, it was weird? I loved my blanket, because it smelled like Me, which was enough like Mama to do the trick at comforting me. Mama Jean did not get that? I wish she did? But how do you explain something so complex as Genetics to someone as a child? Good luck. I had to teach myself how to explain it, so I could change it and my Mama’s view point?
These puppies whine when their Mama leaves and won’t nurse them. I was feeling the same way, but I dared not speak of it, or, I would be regifted and have to start over again? Like of course I knew that? Of course I knew I had to keep quiet until I was old enough to fend for myself if she just decided to be like my own Mama and walk. Hell, my instinct knew better than to spill my beans before their time. And that is a shame to have to lie to be ok and safe? And I didn’t not even realize it was a lie because it was all I knew. It was the script I was given by someone my Mama gave me too.
I really thought Mama would rise and be my champion. I did. but I am just gonna believe what I am seeing. Its all up in my face, so, I will believe. I have no other choice. My Mama will not budge, nor will she extend an olive branch to me. So, I’ll have to just float down the river without them. Makes me sad, cuz I just knew she was strong enough, but she’s not.