What my Mama could not see, she’s seein now… in me…xo

How could my Mama see into the 2000’s? How could my Mama see that I would totally take every mask on all of us off in 2014. How could Mama even realize what an amazing daughter she gave birth too if I just stayed small.

Going home is like coming home after being service for humanity and your family just thought your were dead and were living life without even knowing that it was them that gave you the hope to live a life without them, due to be chosen in some strange fashion to somehow right humanity in some way by being raised by another woman who called by the name she chose without knowing my Mama’s name was Linda.

Little did my Mama realize the affect of being called my Mama’s name sake would have on me? Validate, each time it hit the air, I am, I Be-Linda’s child, raised by Jean… Ain’t no shame in that fact. No. And I am here to set you all straight about that fact!

Being removed from my Mama’s sphere, made me expand to stay connected to my Mama unit. I am not ashamed to say that our bond is that strong. She’s amazing. And why the hell she saw anything other than love in me? Is what this blog is about right here.

I have felt much like a POW, being found, coming home, to a family that has moved on without even being consciously aware of a loss, suffered by our dear Mama long ago. To show up like a corpse, alive and vital with so much love for them to find they are the dead once? Its maddening, for sure. And has caused me to resort to some instinctual tactics, that my body just took over, and allowed instinct to guide me to awaken myself within their hearts. Kind of like zapping them back with those paddles for a heart. A jolt of truth to the facts at hand, alive and well, today. Reality check.

And I am still here reporting my blow by blow encounters to illustrate the process of really going home, not just a TV reality show? A show of the realities that all of my family’s struggle to adjust to a change that has happened 25 years ago. And I do believe I am right on time, thank you Lord, to initiate the vital change of our whole family dynamics. We all have been witnessing and experiencing what I feels like to have such a change in our lives. I will illustrate the signs of Change, from allowing my inner child to speak freely, unedited to all of you. I have illustrating the process of inner child work, by giving my inner child the safe space to express herself. I have done this to achieve healing and also, to show others how I did and they can then take what I have done and can do their own process without fear. Because as a Christian Nation we all need to practice forgiveness and proper application of grace on all that we have forgiven? And this is not just for me, its for us all. And it is radical. Jesus himself is radical.

I have called myself out, which called everyone in my family out. If we use our Christian language? I was called out by God, and up to speak about a very vital subject, that is linked to many other subjects. Separation goes for miles. Abandonment, rejection, feelings that we are not good enough and should just keep quiet, all mixed in with good old shame and guilt. Yes, I, Be-Linda am my family David, and I am slaying Goliath here with my words..I faced all of this, being adopted, having people tell me, this, and that. Growing up in a world that at one hand says my Mama’s a saint, and a whore? Sounds a bit like what Mother Mary might have went through, back in the day. Thank God she had those signs to guide her carrying Jesus, thank God Jesus did not fail us, and neither did Mary listening to the voice of God.

As we can clearly see today, we give Jesus away, or kill him before he gets a chance. Over and over this pattern continues without a care, unit now. Now that I am old enough to speak for myself, that is. I can pierce the airwaves with my words of truth to change the way we see a child. Because I am that child. Thank God I made it to be this old? Thank God Mama did not kill me? Thank God I was lead home to straighten all this up.

It feels much like cleaning windows. Windows of my families eyes, covered with bullshit from god knows who, but its got to go. Windex, and a real live Greek wake up call. Windex for everyone!!! Smear that shit around! Don’t fret, I got mine too! God did not leave me out of the clean up, as I wiped all of you, I got wiped too! I really feel like it was God wiping us all. If you can separate yourself from the emotions involved with letting go of old narratives that clearly are not the truth not that you all can see the wider view.

Ive shared links that back of my own findings. Hopefully you took a moment to read them, it helps to realize what I am saying is a broader view of this whole Adoption triad. I have been clearing up the he said and she said narrative thats not even grounded in the whole truth, all sides, especially mine, since I lived it as an adoptee. It has been difficult not to show my shock, so I didn’t. Its been hard to tame my rage at such ignorance, and not the people who were just told something untrue and don’t realize it.

My Mama could really see my side for her side. Thats what I have learned as I came clean, and cleaned everyone up in the process. I have learned the value of inner child work. Hell, no one even told me how to work with my inner child, except to listen. And as I tuned into her voice, I became brave, because my inner child is fearlessly unique and filled with so much love. At the end of the day, it was my inner child leading me how to go back home and straighten things up, and set them right so we all could go on wiser and more aware of how wonderfully unique our circumstance is, how beautiful if we will just do the work of cleaning away the shoulda, woulda, coulda’s away, and begin to do better.

Hell, I am doing better? Why shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t my family? If I can? So can they? If my family, would meet Mama Jean? They would know how much better I am? Growing up being me was a task. Growing up blind to your own nature and have some you did not come from show you? Was monumental. Hell, Mama couldn’t even see that, I had to show her.

And to me it was so obvious, but not to my family? Like, no offense peps, totally out to lunch about it. And thinking that the choice to just, bounce is not an option? Thats what Adoption makes folks think? That Gods like, ok? No, it doesn’t work like that? God brings things around and around until we get it. And? I get it. Family matters, even if they are the ones a bit crazy? A bit off track about somethings that concern their own lives by being related to me?

I mean its like I am autistic and my own family don’t even realize, nor did they even have me seen and taken care of? Its like being disabled, even if I am not. Its like being treated like the plague, when you know your being a cure? I mean? Is this how my family treats folks they believe to be insane? Blocking? Turning away? Ignoring? Basically withholding care, love, acceptance, because I don’t fit their idea of what I should be like? Sounds like bullying?

bul·ly1
/ˈbo͝olē/
verb
gerund or present participle: bullying
  1. use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants.
    “a local man was bullied into helping them”

And I am confronting passive aggressive behavior head on. I am educating you all. Your all kind of stuck. The whole world is a bit stuck thinking what they think is real about Adoption. And I begin with my own family first. The buck has got to stop here. And its time folks get a clue!!!!! So done. Having people tell me what is.

I have questioned, communicated, written my side and theirs how it appears to me. Excuse me that you all look a bit crazy to me too? Yeah? Didn’t consider that did you all? Yeah? From my point of view you all look lazy, stubborn, ignorant, and basically unwilling to even practice your Christian precepts with your own sister?

You all see me writing right here? This is education. I am telling you all how it was for me, and that it affected me, that I am unable to put up with bullshit or rejection? And you all just keep rejecting me? How? By choosing to do nothing, you choose to do something.

I mean I can leave you all like this. But, I won’t be coming around. I don’t appreciate trying to go and start anew with My own Mama and having my sister call me unwelcome when I am drinking coffee at Mama’s table? No. I did not like having David see you all in such a sad state? He’s already upset enough you all are doing me this way anyway. Chelsie wanted me to stop blogging and telling you all how I feel because she said my Mama was this and that. That is not the point dear one.

The point is she is amazing, and not acting herself with me. She can be great with everyone else, but me. That is why I am speaking up, and using my democracy, Chelsie Lynn, like I taught you growing up>? Freedom of speech, remember? I taught you about that? And you, wanted me top shut up? When I told you to change it at school or with friends? Shame on you. Not me.

It is not my fault my Mama’s all turned around and not even you can change it? Hell, she can’t even see me in you? What the hell? Are you still writing notes like me? Cuz I am in there girly. I taught you, I trained you how to do, and how not to do? Your welcome. And ;you Dad did too! You learned from our mistakes and decisions to be happy without each other. I will say this, your father has a lovely wife now and another brother for you. That is a good thing darling. He’s happy, and that is love. Even though we did not stay together, I loved him enough to know when enough was enough. And I am happy he is happy!

I am not taking this into 2019. So, if my own Mama wants to stay the same? She does not get to have me? Like how can anyone get anyone without context? My Mama did not have my context, she had her own, made up story from days gone by that did not even match what I experienced. Which made it impossible to relate? How is that helpful? Hmmm? Its not helpful.

But I stopped the train and took the time to address it. I did not want to go here. No, either did my Mama, but its the only way to clear the air of old stories that are just not founded in truth. And if my Own Mama wants to be out of date? That is her choice, but she will make that choice knowing full well what she chooses. Yes. And if she can walk away from a girl that has loved her my whole life and who has waited patiently to get to know her own Mama? Well, ok then. Go on, just do it the way you always have. Run.

And I do feel like your running too. And someday, you’ll have to face that fact. And I won’t be around holding your hand either if this is how Mama does it, I guess I’ll just be like her? Is that what you want? Have you even looked at that? That you ran like her? Away from me and whatever you issue is with having a Mama like me? Hmmmm? Yeah, look at that?

Breaks my heart. I gave you all I had, and if it was not enough? Well, complain to the management, my Mama’s they trained me. And I did the best I could at the time like they. And if I need some info, well get too it and tell me so I can change it. What the hell have you been doing in counseling anyway? Isn’t that what counseling is for? To help us communicate and get in touch with what we need to say? Isn’t you inner child good enough to stand up for her and set me straight?

Judge me all you want? Or maybe, just open up and tell me what hurt. I can’t change yesterday, no. But I can listen and learn for a better tomorrow darling. Yes, I can do that. And you know full well I can and have listened many times. Its ok. We both have struggled to find our voices, and I am showing you how to confront me right here. I am showing how to be brave and confront me here, by confronting my own Mama’s ideas about things to change her mind with knowing my truth. OK?

I know my Mama did not see this coming. But better for her to get it from me, than having news and other people coming around blindsiding her. She’s learned the affect of her absence on me, its up to her what she’s gonna do about it? I don’t have to like her blocking me, but that just shows me how far off she was. I can’t help that she was told a bunch of things that don’t line up with what I went through. But I can help her learn and see it differently, she’s a bit stubborn and so am I on things that matter, like our relationship.

And I am nailing this coffin shut on an old way. You all don’t want me? Ok. Good luck. Cuz I am gonna still keep blogging and illustrating how fucked up it is when you go home to such a damn mess and your whole family is just lazy. Yeah. Not a threat, a promise. Why? Cuz I am worth standing up for even if you all want to lay around like the disciples in the garden of Gethsemane after eating from the table of the Lord.

You all are a great illustration of ignorance for sure. I don’t even know if my own children have read a book about being Adopted? I know I read a lot of books about them while they were growing up? Oh, well. Not my problem anymore. If they want to stay ignorant? Not my deal that will be on all of you. I showed up to learn here and you all just? checked out. Which shows me how messed up Adoption is to leave it like this.

Professional? LOL Yeah, Mama, Adoption needs a professional for sure. Guess I will show up to do that job. This is what growing up without counsel looks like? Do it your damn self girl here. Folks did not even have a clue as to what to even look for? Most counselors don’t have clue what healing means, they are just more like gossips that just love to listen to problems with out a clue how to help someone walk out of the mindset they are in.

Its ok Mama, when you time here is up, and your with Jesus, you get it then. I will just be sad you didn’t get it while you were alive? But ok. Your choice not mine. Ive given you 25 years and this new year I just can’t take all this with me if you’re all gonna be like this? Good luck catching up with me? I don’t plan on stopping for your asses, you didn’t stop for me. What you give is what your gonna get. I gave you truth, you like lies. So go. Just go.

I really believe this blog has been a 4 year goodbye anyway. I have looked at you all long enough and don’t need this shit show anymore. Its just not easy to let go of something you dreamed about for so long. It sucks that I was not just told that my Mom hated me. I could have just moved on long ago instead of hoping and believing my family would love me when they just don’t. And if they do? They really got a weird way of showing it when someone going through something? All that professional counseling and my family didn’t learn a thing about communications?

Anyway, if your Adopted. I feel ya. This shit is bullshit. Coming home sucks when the bridge that can never really be broken is just torn to shit for lack of even seeing it matters. Just process what you need to process and those who really love you? Will be there for you through it all. I am grateful, Mama Jean gets what love is. And that is what I learned being adopted. It sucks when your Mama doesn’t even see the blessing you are and a complete stranger can?

Mama Jean has witnessed me growing up turned around. She gets that I am upset. She gets that it hurts, she was part of the hurt and the cure. I wish I could have come from her, but then again, by the looks of it, it was better for her that I did not. Because I appreciated her more than she even knows. Thanks to Linda, who did a number on me, I have had to fight my way out of that old way. To let go of a toxic love affair with a woman that I was born from? Mama Jean may not always understand me, but she loves me just the same and shows up!

And these mother truckers I have loved for to long can just go. I believe I am over it… Trying to make you all see something you’d have to be adopted to get…..

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s