Gratitude is an action word.
And this woman is grateful.
For a life. And a blessing.
To expand her life and include her Mother in it.
What I’ve witnessed with me and Mama is that we both were wounded.
And eat time we came together? We bumped the wounds? And it hurt us both? And was so confusing. To us both?
Like we both love God. That’s clear.
We worship and study differently? Our understanding are different and the same.
But the love is the same love.
And my gratitude demanded that I step forward and be honest.
To show Mama a wider viewpoint?
Mine was expanded as I watch her response to my honest truth.
Shock, dismay, blocking, misunderstandings, confusion, and tears. Even if she cried alone trying to be strong?
And I’m just saying? A child feels that shit. The whole family feels that shit. I am the one writing about it, so I say me. Since my sisters can’t y’all about it? I am.
Why? Cuz it matters. I just won’t let Mama keep thinking the same as she has? And that is a good thing!
Look at the facts.she abandoned me.
Gave me up for adoption
She’s worried about me for 55 1/2 years.
Next years? It’s really gonna be so squeaky clean? Thanks to me? Coming clean about our addiction to an old energy of pain and loss? Will be amazing. I speak it into being! Now. With my own words I command this storm to calm between me and she.
I’ve ground my Mama back into her whole self. Touched each wound. Cut it. Allowed it to ooze,, cleaned it, Medicated it with validation of its existence, dressed it., kisses it. And sapped a big Grace bandage on it. And now tell her here. It’s gonna be ok Mama.
It can heal now Mama. It’s all gonna be ok. Now. I prayed for you to Mama. I got the messages and that’s what gave me strength to go through this life without you, yet holding your prayers sent to me by a loving god who own the party line and let me listen to you pray for me. God is able. To do that.
And to write the nasty things and words I was exposed too. Proves. Your prayers were answered and you dear woman, were connected. To me. Praying me through. Stop hiding that light of yours!! Lol.
This lighthouse owes you this gratitude. Due to those precious prayer thrown up to God. To those knees that fell in prayer for me when I needed it so much. So much Mama. So much. Thank you. I felt it. I wanted you to know from me. That I felt those prayers along life’s way.
And I knew. All along. It was you. Praying for me. Maybe your mind thought I would not? But? That’s just cuz maybe you did t know how awesome you are? Let me tell you. Over and over and over till the end. How grateful this girl is that God made me away where there was no way, and you too Mama. You too.
Gratitude for me is a verb. It’s an emotions in motions of gratitude. It’s in the way I love my life. It’s why I call all the time. It’s why I bother my kids and follow them on Social media. I’m grateful for all of you. Grateful for the gift we all have right here to even know each other and learn about each other and to become richer for it? Wiser for it? More Whole for it.
I care and act. And cleaning up a 55 1/2 year old misunderstand is worth this work I’ve dedicated my life to. For my Mama needs this gift. Grace does not erase what’s happened. Grace says you’re forgiven anyway. And to withhold forgiveness from myself is to withhold it from others. And if I can tell my terrible awful and live on beyond it? So can everyone?
Letting go means to learn the lesson? It’s not we that hold on? It’s the lesson needing learning that holds us until we plays the tests. This is our lesson Mama. And as we both choose to stop resistance to what is. What is is we’ve been given a blessing to have one another back and we need to accept it and see what god’s trying to show us both?
What I’ve seen about letting go? Is it takes more than one to do it? And God’s always leading us to let go, by learning the lessons. And once we have passed? The challenger, who is always god testing us, releases. It allows a new narrative to emerge. And all the emotions just fade away as joy can take over the places sorrow was hidden within for lack of validation. By validating myself I’ve validated my Mama and our struggles were real. And we both love one another and have been working through confusion to clear our minds of all that’s just not what we want going forward.
This work I’ve done is what psychiatrist teach. Healthy mindsets can confront unhealthy mindsets and cause a reset.
I’ve done my inner child work before all of you.
I stoped talking about my inner child and her issues and I called her to front to speak her truth safe with my adult self to protect her and shown my Mama the highest love of all! Self love! Even a part of herself she may have not been so happy about? I showed her! Lol.
What my love looks like! Feels like as it pushed all the lies away. Perfect love casts out fear! And I cleaned my Mamas house of fears and faced them with her. Even if she did not read this? It still works. I spoke it into being. Just like God spoke everything. I am made in God’s image and likeness. And I prayed for the highest good! Not some cheap trick shit. Highest good for Mama and anyone I know for that matter.
Adopted Children know what grateful means. Show it. That’s what it means! Actions. Even if your hearts broken. Give. Give. And don’t talk about your Mama. Cuz we don’t want to hear it. We don’t know how to deal with that? So suck it up and be the best of what we want you to be? Which is weird since Adopted parents don’t even know who we came from? Why would they even have a clue as to what we are capable of? Yeah know?
But I am well aware of what makes my Mamas happy. And it’s taken a bit of tearing down of the old ideas to make room for what I see as a way better way. I see these two woman as friends. It’s frustrates me to know end they can not see this? They are like Thelma and Louise. In my life they are a couple of renegades who said? Ok. Together without even meeting?
And these lady’s held it together as long as they could for me. And I see it. That’s what’s beyond all that old goo. Mama Jean Adopted me, and Mama went on without the stain I made on her? Like that’s some love?
My question to Mama would be. Why would Mama Jean want to hoard me? Why would she not want to share me back to you? You shared me with her did you not? Wouldn’t she want you to be proud that we all made it through? Wouldn’t she love to celebrate both your successes with me? I believe after living with Mama Jean for years that I do know she would love to know you and be accepted by you.
That is what I work for at the end of this tornado of words. It’s not about faults. Cuz I’ve covered that shit show. Now? It’s about strength. It’s about a bond you share with her through me? It’s healing redemption and love in the highest form. I wanted you ready to accept it.
She’s different than you Mama and just as amazing. Beyond all our supposed faults? Love is here holding us together for it is recorded at the courts house that it is now so. And is so. You both signed up for this with me. And I am grateful for you both equally. In different ways.
Say hello to your 55 1/2 year best friend Mama. Mama Jean. Is so caring. She’s pictured here at the VA with Angela. Loving even children of me I gave birth too. It’s stupendous. It’s love Mama for you. She loved you in me. And my Daddy. Look at her. Those soft eyes and calm Demeanor.
Look at your true best friends. Who hung onto me when folks told her not too? She’s why I work so hard with you Mama. She wants this too. But is proud. Like you. So I stepped up to the plate to get this snow ball going.
Because that what I ultimately see. Gratitude demanded it of me. And all that old shit was in all of our ways. Xoxo
Take heart Mama. Celebrate. Your daughter loves you so much. Xoxox.
I wanted you to see it.