How are you gonna fill your pages?

Letting go of the past is not like just dropping a napkin into the trash can and walking away. I’d like to make that clear here. Maybe you can just let go of your own Mama and just skip down the road? But I won’t. If I’m skipping down the road of life? It’s to get to my Mama? And also because of my Mama?

Loving and adoring you Mama is so basic. And everyone does it. Some boldly celebrate their Mamas. Some quietly celebrate their Mama? We make food like our Mamas did? We fold our clothes like our Mamas did? We act like our Mamas and many times when talking to our children? Say the things our Mamas said to us?

Mamas are the ground we grew in. If we all are made of dirt? And return to dirt? Then that’s like saying she’s the rock we were chipped from. Dirt is just ground up rocks anyway, mixed with sand, and organic matter. We are all organic matter. Our bodies breakdown after the spirit leaves us when we expire.

The Bible’s talks about a corner stone. Jesus represent the corner stone. A piece of matter, that matters a lot. I do believe the Bible is describing science before we called it science. Call me weird or whatever. You’ll see what I mean as you keep reading here and I tie it all together. There is a lot we all need to consider.

Science is God. There are many things science can’t explain? Like miracles we call them? Like healings? How does this happen? The god factor. That’s how? And science and spirituality have always been bed fellows. Science as the hard facts that now explain things. It’s doesn’t delete faith. Does not God say to Prove me? Like proving math?

My feeling is science and spirituality need to realize they are bed fellows? The relationship is so toxic between them that they can’t even relate it all? And yet I can see the connection? A orphaned woman who’s got Mommy issues? Sees the connections? Lol. That’s a definite God factor! Lol. I mean really folks. God loves to punk us with right hooks like that? Using someone who’s Seemingly small to say things those who are learned do not see?

Despite my own Mama calling me a lunatic? Lol.

Just because people don’t see who you are or your potential? Be who you are just the same. Shine your light. Until they see. Take the masks off. One by one. Show yourself who you really are beyond all the masks that reflect back to you from someone else who thinks your like them? We all are unique.

And please, Don’t hate me because I see my uniqueness as beauty? Just because you can’t seem to see beauty in yourself? Life is a series of “no, that’s not me”, moments. It doesn’t mean you have to walk away from someone that’s not like you? No. Disconnect does not create connections? It’s just about knowing yourself and knowing that in time, as you are you and they are they? And we learn each other? Accepting of strength and weaknesses. We learn what really counts is that connections with people who are different actually helps us grow in our humanities.

Tolerance leads to understanding

My Mama is a humanitarian. She works daily learning the precepts to practice them. She reads her bible. And prays and talks to God daily. She communes with God. Works at the church. Teaches people how cool yummy food for themselves. And I believe she’s right to do that. A malnourished body can’t do shit for shit?

She’s does many other things. Like being the best Mama she can. Yes. She does. And she did not realize. At all. What God was giving her when I rolled up back in 1992. I imagine lately she feels like the Devil has been visiting? Lol. No. The devils been working to keep my Mamas blessing away? How? Her body was just bound. And her mind stuck. Going along like that elephant that get tied to a post? For years? And then gives up and just stands by the post and doesn’t even realize it’s free? Yeah. Like that. A thick cord of words that worked like a spell held my Mama to an old way while her soul screamed for release.

My family couldn’t seem to see it? Mama all bound up? Wanting something new? So much so that’s she was blinded to her own souls call? Hell that soul has been calling me since we separated? Like tuning in my ears and cries I can’t sooth? We talk about the twin connection. And I have come out to say after 50 years that I am a twin survivor. With no proof but my gut and a connections to John. My brother.

I’ve got a connection to my Mama like many have. It’s like, moms always know when your sick. Right? She calls. Then listens to your voice. She says something like, “what’s wrong?” Right? Uncanny. My Mama felt that too. In trimmers and vibrations she couldn’t figure out? It’s could be because of relinquishing me? She was assured all was well. Adoption was fabulous? And we both would go on to live great live and none the wiser. Stop. That’s a damn lie. Right there.

And I am the proof. I was drawn like a moth to a flame back to my Mama. Listen. I prayed. Please don’t judge me. Going home is not easy when your adopted. No ones prepared for that. And that’s an issue for me? Like I have so much to share with my Mama? And everyone’s all jacked up about it? Sisters all seething and jealous? And my sisters have had her to themselves for years!!

I’ve patiently waited for a turn with my own Mama? When will this marry go round stop so I may have a spin with my queen mother? Huh?

People act like my Mamas supposed to be Wonder Woman or something? Popping out babies and never to return again? Like. Ok.

My Mama has her own house. She moved a while back. The girl except one and she not far, all moved to be by her? Near her? That’s how strong the bond is to our Mama? Why am I any different? You can’t train a natural urge that everyone has if they have a healthy love for themselves, to be near their Mama? Blows my mind to even have to explain such a basic concept, thats is omitted from my life just because I am adopted?

I still want to spent and time with my Mama. Seems like? My sisters could encourage that? That maybe they could see it would be beneficial for our Mama to sow and time with me? Instead of treating me like some assassin?

The only thing that was assassinated here is the delusion that it’s just three sisters? And it’s taken a while for that little bomb to explode? And blast away the scales from my own families eyes? 25 years working with family to learn how to realize a bond. Not to rebond? We’ve never been disconnected?

Insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.

I waiting 20+ years to confront the delusions. And have shown up each day to communicate and guide us all back to our places. My chair has always been at your table. You all just didn’t realize it? And the last time I went to see my own Mama? She sat at the table and served me coffee with my son? Seems like maybe you all ain’t seeing?

Coffee is a drink of welcome last I read? Is it now poison? Like rudeness was allowed at Mamas that day? As I was called names? Told I was unwelcome? That shame is on you? What did you really think Mama thought about such a display? Hmmm? Poor woman’s? Tired.

These are concerns I have about it. Mamas home? Should be peaceful? Yes. I came to work at peacemaking? Sipping coffee and working it out with Mama? How does anyone ever get understanding without a good conversations? Do tell? I really don’t appreciate my sister flying over each time I come to call? Has she not seem Mama enough? Does she need to chase me off? Bark orders at Mama to go into the house as though she’s now some dog? And I am a hostile force of some sort? I do believe I brought gifts each time I came to call? Is that not well manors enough for you all?

I do wish to wrap this old nasty night of our souls up so the new chapter can begin. Maybe Victoria should be places in a time out? Seems she’s just taking over. Causing discention in the ranks? Hmm? I will be visiting more often. And would love to do fun stuff? But I do not have a tolerance for this at all anymore within my own family. These things needed addressing. It’s just ludacris it’s gone on so long. But? Live and learn and keep going.

You may be Adopted. But you can’t divorce your family? So why not just be who you are and make it better at long last. Standing up in the chair God made you to be. Standing up for the heart of your Mama. Who does want better from us all? Excuse me for making us all look bad. So sorry I woke you sleeping beauties up? This status quo sucks. Mine can’t be lowered. So step it up girls!!

You all think I’m bad? You really haven’t seen me and my kids all together now have you?? We are a machine. Unity. United even when y’all think we are not? Lol. Jokes on you all. So quite clowning around with Mamas life? No. She does not like it like this?

Now. Let me ask all of you? What are you going to do about it? My mamas just one Mama like this people? Yeah? There are hurting Mamas all over? Longing for their children? Longing to be understood and loved? My Mamas nor been happy with this like this? She just could see a way out? Or for change? That’s could be amazing? And Is amazing!

So? Being the daughter that I truly am? I faced all this rigamorrow, rolled up my sleeves after much prayer and followed the guidance through the darkness of misunderstandings and ignorance of what really was. My sisters didn’t know a thing? And Mama did know what to tell them? Had she even dealt with her feelings about me? Hell no she hasn’t? They we crammed year after year into her subconscious mind with no where to go to be even heard and validated? Sad. No Mother should have to do that and yet Bio Moms do.

Like no ones even cracked a book to look up about the reactions and side affects of relinquishment in the bio Mom? I have? Yeah. I have? The Book Primal Wound talks about it.

And my sisters haven’t even cracked a book? Sad but this is how it is? Lethargic families so out of wack and sync with the realities that are. Unaware of traumas that are? For lack of knowledge? Very upsetting. And I could not leave my Mama in the state that I was the issue of her trauma, I was a part of the trauma. Yes. I was connected to the trauma. But I am not the trauma. That’s how associates it is and deeply rooted in that knowing? But the trauma was relinquishment. Our connection was not cut, it was severed, torn, and altered which altered everyone else.

It was like a puzzle piece of my Mama was removed and it caused a affect on the whole puzzle of her life. I am the missing piece. And God’s places me back. And it changed it all. But what I see is beautiful. My family’s still mourning the old way. Stuck in a spin cycle of some sort? Maybe God is wringing them out? I hope so. This is taking forever. And I just want to go hang out with Mama for the holidays without any guff? Maybe go help teach cooking with her? Maybe do some bibles studies together? Pray. That’s would be so cool pray together. Enjoy on another without all the anxiety? It’s makes me anxious to go see her when my sister comes over each time and tries to play me out to be a villain? And all I wish to do is work this out and move on?

Mamas matter. And if takes me to stand up for mine to get this ball rollin. Then so be it. Pray. Go home. Do the work. Reap the reward of the gift of a Mama. Thanks.

Go buy this book and learn will you? Please.

The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child



I am an Adapted, artist, Mother, a soul, a human, singer, writer, activist, minister and deprogrammer and reprogrammer of minds. And I am here because we need to change how you see it, a lot of things that is. For us Adoptees who have lived in the dark. We were cut off from our families. And that is sad people.

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