Mama said to me, about my blog? “Oh, your trying to make a name for yourself”. True, and yet I’ve got names. Stephanie Anne, Belinda Jean. People couldn’t make up their minds? Or maybe it was me making the changes? Maybe I made them see me as Belinda Jean? I caused Mama Jean to name me after both my Mama? Yeah. It was me.
But they say, that you can only serve one master. True. I serve God and god told me to honor two Mama’s, follow two Mamas, and correct two Mamas. Without correction their is no learning. I am not putting my Mama down, I am removing the weight of past garbage that’s weighed us all down in this triad and lifting her up. . She’s in this boat. She has been for years like a ghost in the room of the home I grew up in by being within me. Yeah Mamas in me. No doubt I saw that the moment we met. Bingo!
I am bringing Mama out of the cold without me! She’s a part of this triad community and I bring her her cloak of cover and honor. I’ve fished the dirt and cleaned her off. She’s a part of my life and is key. Even an adoptee knows that her Mama is everything. And now I’ve got two. That takes moxy. To be committed to both of your Mamas. I have. It’s not been easy standing up to them both of them at the same time. No. But I had to set them straight and I do believe I waited long enough.
Waking woman from the 1950’s era is not easy. It’s a strong mindset that just needed some updates about myself and the adoption experiences as a whole from my vantage point to help them get a few things?
I don’t need my Mamas worried about what people say.
I don’t need them to block me
I don’t need them to be out of date about a modality that they are a deep part of due to the decision to relinquishment of me.
I need Mamas that are helpful and u understanding towards me.
I need Mamas who don’t say the very things the world have said to me that hurt so bad.
I need them to stop passing information or even holding information that conflicts with my real life account of the Adoption experiences. It’s was not all roses.
I had a Mama first. You replaced her and I knew the damn difference! I need my Mama in my life.
I need a mama that hears my cry and hears a true cry and not a fake one?
My child within wants her restored.
My adult self agrees.
From what I have witnessed from Mamas actions? She would like a rewrite too. She just could see any other way then to block. Blocking told me that the new script was mine and that I am the screen play writer looking for that third side to this triangle to bring her side to this story.
I don’t know how much Mama can even share?
I may be blown away? But that’s ok. Blow me away Mama. I am tough. This I know. I’m doing you like I want you to do me. Knock the shit off? And I’ll be happy. Just be you. Just don’t cut me off it hurts to bad. It’s hard to describe. I am trying so hard to explain and educate you about something so dear to me? So deep? But beyond the protection of my emotions is love. It’s the honey.
That is a point I am making here. I am rough as a cob and your actions have shown me that Mama. Well? What are you waiting for? Turn me around? Spruce me up? Pep talk me? Like hello? I’m waiting? For you Mama? Is that not respectful enough? I’ve taken the time to show you why it matters? Why you matter?
Guys my Mama reads this blog. I love her enough to cry out at 55. That takes guts. That shows how long the hang time is until the cry came, on this pistol whip of an idea that left a scare on me. Mama felt it too no lie. I saw it on her face and felt it from her aura. Pain. So deep. A child can feel their Mamas pain. It’s proven.
It just is maddening to live in a world that gets that but has a blind spot about it in Adoptees. And I am washing the viewpoint.
My Mama lost track of her instinctual side with me. But I mirror it to her now. To show her it’s there within her. Love for me that is mine and my sisters can get over it I have already been there. So be supportive girls! This is destined. I am proof of that by finding home with God’s help. Surely you all can see that? If this was not of God it would not be happening now. Hello?
If we go to Job and read, God allowed the Devil to tempt Job. And job lost. But Job gained back.
We will all gain back a piece of ourselves when I am back in place completely and I am waiting on you all to step up to move on to the new? Are we done yet? My kids don’t need this either? How do you really think they feel watching how you all act? Too? And seeing me so upset and nothing they can do about it? Because it my job to do? But I am unable to back down on this. To backdown is to say it’s was all ok and I am unable to tell that. It’s wasn’t all ok? It’s will be better once’s Mamas finally seeing me for a gift. If she can’t see me as a gift? It will affect all of you too. It’s just a matter of time.
Adoption is a three way. It’s a relationship between three. There are more involved but the Mothers are the lead. Where this led me was cold and alone. Because of Mama. I missed her. And miss her still until this is all over.
over and over and over the alarm inside me goes off.
Over and over I keep going towards Mama
Lord help Mama see? Take the blinder off? Help her to act. Anything. Jump up and down. Dance? Help her see what a blessing this is?
I want the alarm to go off please lord help me succeed. Amen.