As a grown Adoptee, as I continue to return as fully as I am able to a healthy relationship with my Mama and family, I can see one blessing about Adoption. I would not be who I am today if Adoption had not rerouted me to learn better.
What I see is my Mama can’t even maintain a conversation with both negative and positive in it. She struggles with negative feedback and to adjust her behavior? I have see that If I don’t talk about what she wants and act like she wants? I am out. I see that.
My Mama is limited in how you can approach her.
And I see that Mama Jean, keeps learning. I see that I am changed because of her. And Negative shit doesn’t keep me down as I try to understand it and work to transform negative shit into some else. Adding shit to the garden makes the plants thrive, I just do that in my relationships. We all have perception differences and boundaries that need bridges. I see that if I had grown up with Mama, she would have ignored me and I would not have had the environment I needed, beyond my Mama. I would not have had a bridge to build from, she would have and has just kept rejecting me, she couldn’t even accept herself? And that is a huge thing I needed to see, Mama’s limits.
Today, my adult self is working with my child to piece this together. I am taking all the shit I went through as a child to nourish my perception of the world I grew up in, a life that was very limited on instructions for a girl abandoned by her Mama. For me coming from such a thing left me mentally reeling, and Mama Jean gives a shit and she gives as many shits as I need! Ok!
I would appreciate it if everyone would realize that she’s heard all this before. And remember this, I love her beyond all my negative and hers, she kept showing up! More than my own Mama could do, or can do now, and that is a miracle that blows me away daily!! She loves me! Like real love that doesn’t care about how I act, look like, or am? People don’t get that about us. We act like cats and fight, but after? We lick each other wounds when no ones around, how? By showing back up for each other and trying again? By Apologizing if needed, by doing for each other, we put her love into action. 32q
She knows how hard it has been for me and us both? We work. No giving up even if all hell breaks loose! We are real. I made sure we were real. MY Mama has no idea what real love is. I won’t say it any other way. Unconditional love is a snow plow. Mama Jean and I work to love each other and blow the conditions away!
I can’t give my Mama credit she didn’t earn. She does not love unconditionally. She has many conditions that must be met to even get her love, she’s empty when it comes to me. I see that. She angry and wounded. I see that. She’s been hiding her wounds by saying its this and that and projecting onto my sisters and whoever is to stupid to realize! My sisters are not stupid, they know the drill. And I see they adapted to it. I don’t imagine they enjoy my Mama actions of blocking anymore than me. I am the only one standing up and confronting her on it publicly, because she should know better. But I see, that without me? She did not know better and this pattern of behavior just got deeper.
She needed a tornado, but not as a baby. She would have not even got that I was unique and amazing. I can see now that she would have abused me with blocking why progress, something Mama Jean did not. She just worked to change a pattern within my DNA that was unforgiving and petulant. We all are like that, it human nature to recoil and block what hurts. Mama Jean and I were both hurt already, torn, she lost children, I lost my Mama, out loss was a glue. I would never take her children place, but I would make them proud? Yes, I believe they are proud of me, those children she lost. I love their Mama here, as they love her within her. Remember, their cells are still there, making cells happens as soon as they began to grow within.
Ive had my view, and I have observed my Mama’s views. Theres was as limited as mine growing up. When you add my view to theirs you get a better scope of the affects that have been caused. I work to help folks also get beyond the negative room to see the colorful picture I paint. This blog is like my mixed media art. It sometimes looks messy, but in the end it is endearing and fun to look at. God art is like that. Its therapeutic, messy, colorful, a process, creative, and helps those who do are to see that creation is messy, but he end result is amazing to see.
Growing up, it felt like people just painted over my first life. And then, they picked the paint loose with all the question and lack of understanding of how it affected me to be painted over like that. My Mama, didn’t like me picking at her white wash, no. But underneath that white wash is something priceless. Something amazing. Mama Jean tried to paint over what she could trying to protect me from what I already felt. She could not hide my Mama’s issue forever from me, but she tried to cover my Mama with love and avoided talking about her at all. My Mama would be and is my issue, her issue is me. She learning that a Mama affect even an Adopted child, and that my slate was not clean when she got me. She’s worked so hard. Shown up tired and cranky, but shown up still.
Even now as my own Mama tests my patiences, I see how patient Mama Jean had been with me. Yes, I see. She has dealt with Linda Marie in me. And she has had a profound affect on me, and Linda in me. I thank God for her even if my body still wants my Mama, my mind and spirit are bonded forever to Mama Jean. Ive had to overcome an old narrative to forge a new one. Mama will always be a part of that new narrative, her role in that narrative is her choice. She’s choosing to opt out again. And that is her right, she’s got a free will ticket to ride and she can get on her pony and ride away. Yes she can. Her choice again. But this time she will know what she does by doing such a thing to herself.
By showing my Mama the affect on me, my light lit up her own affect. She can not deny it now within, she can without all day. But I witnessed the affect, and she can’t stop that affect on me. My own Mama did not even realize the affect Adoption had on her? She just denied it and projected it. But she doesn’t have to live like that anymore. This blog is my inner, outervention. I intervened publicly to out her from the cave of ignorance she was left in without me.
This is how it is. My brain sees patterns. I have seen the patterns in my family DNA. I can identify patterns of behavior, Mama Jean taught me and made sure I learned what I needed to thrive with this gift. She did not always understand, but she kept working to get me to classes and art, and dance, even if I did not keep doing it, she would find something else until she found something that provided me a place to learn that I enjoyed. I am grateful for that. YEs.
My Mama had a very strong mind, which means patterns run deep. She thinks a certain way, and struggles to change. I feel her life experiences have scared her a bit, she clung to the scriptures like a blanket for comfort in the cave of her mind, and struggles to practice the precepts. Mama Jean practices precepts and doesn’t know scriptures is also a pattern I see and has changed me forever!
I saw a lot of guilt in Mama’s eyes. And anger, which just tells me she doesn’t have a clue, meaning, she has not context to draw from to even get whats doing on, so I am taking the time to face the with her. For her edification. She is my business. Remember, I was sent to her first. Mama Jean might have been second? But that did not diminish her value to me, nor limit my capacity to love and appreciate her.
Talking to Mama bout this is like trying to tell a woman she’s got lipstick on her teeth and she just deflects and talks about the weather and does nothing about the lipstick? So silly indeed how human nature gets all out of hand?
Life is a maze anyway, Adoption just makes Adoptees and Adoptive parents have to work harder, its a choice to give up. Many Adoptees give up on the bridge, and blame it on Adoption. Adoptions a mess, yes, but it was there for us. The way is not a nice pony ride, no, but we learned a lot, and should be sharing that data so folks can adjust their view of a simple thing like birth and see. Adoption is a rebirth. All measures should be taken to make sure folks know exactly what they sign up for when Adopting, its not nature. its nurture and must be maintained. ReAdopting should be penalized, abuse should be monitored. Adoptive parents need support, Adoptees need support to thrive. The world needs to change the simple view to see the complexities that Adoptees now voice on social media. Its key.
I could not just feel sorry for my Mama and pat her on the head and give her a pill to go to bed? OK? I don’t expect to do me that way either. I don’t really expect anything from Mama, I am just asking. And I am showing and sowing seeds into her mind that will grow with time and my loving intentions and prayers. Why? Because I can, and am gifted to be able to do such a programing job as to reroute your Mama’s mind to see the love in you, past her anger, loss and pain. My Mama hurt so long she got comfortable numb with a weight in her mind that was huge. Ive been chipping away at the block in Mama’s mind. With time her sight will be restored and she will cry and process it all. I did.
You see? I worked on the mote in my own eye first and then could see Mama. Isn’t that what that scripture is for? its not a deflect? Its a mental muscle flex. Mama Jean helped me see mine, and helped me see how mine where like Mama’s. Easy, no,. it took work and that woman worked. Thank God. I love her for it. She did like that song, She made me love her. LOL.
So please understand, from a complicated life come complicated coping, and adaptation that are new and different, but not bad if you take the time to read and understand.
This blog is my freedom train of thought. I am my own Harriett Tugman, I was a slave to a limited, everyone else side but mine, kind of world. I broke free like a horse let off a leash. Please don’t hate me. This is what we get for ignorance sake, but ignorance can be transformed into wisdom if we faint not for the tests.