That’s the thing about coming clean about my experiences being Adopted, new better experiences come flooding in.
Adoptions like a drug or a fizzy elixir that people take to numb a pain. My Mama associated her pain with me and my Dad. And the terrible awful they did in the back seat of a Chevy. Oh my!!
I’d like to publicly thank my Mama for being a Hoe! You got me here girl. I owe you that! And some damn honor for doing you best at the time.
I know Mama thinks I’ve been beating her I’ve the head with it. But may I correct her now. You’ve been beating yourself up my whole life. I know why you burned the papers. It’s ok anyway. That was the best. But I’m gonna talk about what we can do better, cuz Adoptions got so many wholes in the boat and more people rowing ain’t gonna get it!! Anymore.
I’m talking the bat away from Mama and the fly flapper. Cuz those demons? Those thoughts? Fears? Emotions trapped inside you? You faced them Mama. With me. You’ve been swinging that thing since I left Mama. Put the bat and flapper down. Now look at your girl here. Working to right the wrong done. Just look. Look into my blue eyes. And go back and remember. I saw you. I saw your face. I lived inside you. I remember those eyes of yours after I was born. So warm and brown.
Put the bat down. Look into me. See you. Strong. A vigilant. Vivacious. Bold. Courageous. I remember. Be brave again Mama. Open your arms. God’s the nurse this time. And only you in my life will stop my crying this time. What would Jesus Mama do today? She’d do way more than weep. Ain’t no one dying on crosses now. They just get sent away to an insane asylum for speaking a truth they see plain as day? But we ain’t going there Mama. Cuz Adoptions crazy not us Mama. And I came home to set you free Mama. Set your mind free and right. Not left yelling stories that don’t make sense anymore. I’m home.
The pain my Mama felt was the pain of loss. She painted it over and over and over. Everyone just loves the new do. But they could see past the first coat she painted because everyone just thought painting was best. No one knew better. But I do. My Mamas like an old oak chair. Vintage I’d say. But has not been appreciated in her natural form for years. To many coats of paint have hid her natural grain and warmth, tone. I’m stripping her down so you all can see her beauty. Right here.
I am her carpenter. Because Jesus is my brother and I look up to him and follow his lead.
Only I could take the layers off and sand her rough spots. The warm tone beneath the surface is amazing. You wait and see how both my Mamas shine after I am done with the final coat of shellac. My Mama gave one of her legs to another lady who was missing one. I’ve brought her back home to Mama with me, so now she’s got 5 legs to help her stand.
Woman stick together. Mama Jean stuck by Linda Marie in me and has not wavered. I’ve knicker down a few times and she me. But we get up and go again till it’s right. Going home to Mama is right for me and Mama Jean. Mama jean has earned her place in my life and my Mamas. Everyone gets upset and scared when change comes. But Jesus overcame all adversity is what I know. Truth set is free when we accept it, and let it go we have two hands to hold the new God brings after the lesson.
Yes. I am bold. Yes I am irreverent. Just like my brother Jesus I turned the tables over and yell!! You took my Mama! Give her back!! Yes. Mama got sold a lie but that was the truth back then but I am here to tell a tale way different than what Mama bought back in the day! Redemption is still a best seller.
Just because this was and is my truth. Does not mean it will continue to be my truth going forward. But I call trash trash and pick it up and get folks to do the same. Clean as I go. Mama Jean taught me that and I apply it everywhere. It works. We have way more truths to discover Mama, family, me, and Mama Jean. There is so much more beyond what was a mess. The mess was inside our heads. Lack of content, terrible storyline going no where but apart?
Believe me I’ve studied. And putting this concept together to present to the world is a chore for a girl who played the quiet game so long. I’ve had to identify emotions, family traits, identity issues, foundational cracks that needed repairing. Folks would ask me what was wrong with me? I’d just say I am adopted. All I knew was Adoption did this to me. I could not explain it back then. I had to study people, situations, do comparisons and math. All in my head. No one seemed to see the patterns but me. Kind of like an autistic person? Fixated. Inquisitive. Petulant. Demanding to know. Watching everything. Taking it all into my brain and then letting God take it and run.
I know what I want. My Mama. I’ve never deviated from that course. She’s with me. Yes. I act like her and sound like her in many ways. I’m stubborn too. But for the right thing. Unity. And faith. Restoration. Redemption. Renewal. Emancipation. From an old way that’s been washed out with my own tears and blood. So a new way can be seen by my Mama. So that she can look through the lens of grace and see how white she is after confession of what she felt she missed. Did I miss? Mama will tell but I hit all the buttons she told me.
I am the new arrow. To hit her mark. All of them. I’ve tried to do this as quick as God would let me because Mama was hurting so bad she could not even talk about it. Sucker punches do that. They take the breath away and leave grief. But I saw it. And loved Mama enough to not leave her in that filthy mindset that felt so bad about me. Don’t let her tell you different it hurt like hell itself and her bible was her only heaven. If she could climb into the pages she would to rid herself of her pain about me. But the Bible brought me to shave off the rough spots and remove all the paint that hides her warmth and beauty. A child knows. I was given clear blue eyes to see the beauty in my Mamas. Both with warm brown eyes.
These two woman will be smashing together. It’s going to make me so happy to see them laugh together. For Mama Jean to see me in another will be so glorious. I will finally make sense to get through my Mama? Like this is a fairytale. And God’s the one writing it through me as it come onto this page I get it. Not before.
It’s God’s rewrite. I was scared too. But going home was my call. And I picked up the phone and followed God’s lead. Hell I would not have done this? Like this? I am Be Linda. Linda would not have done this. But Be was enough to get me over Linda and just do what God was showing me to do. In hind sight? It looked like God was using me to shake the burning bush? Flush the quail kind of a mental tornado blast of words and actions.
The last three times I went to see Mama God showed me it’s was energy work and prayer that I was doing with her. That God was doing with us both. Like rubbing two stones together makes sparks. Like that. God showed me that I got in her aura, (energy field) and I disrupted the patterns, by driving like a loon out of the drive way and spitting gravel everywhere, I was disturbing the energy pattern that had Mama held in her old story. I had to break through the veil of her energy to be truly seen by her? It’s was amazing as God instructed me and I obeyed and just did what came to me, then I would receive a playback in my head and God would show me what happened and what it was for. And it worked on my perspective as I learned to help Mama, it helped me. Amazing.
Jesus took the wheel. I let go and just did what I was instructed to do. Truth. Prayer does work and God does talk to us if we listen. God’s within. The scriptures tell us to believe. God works and is fueled by faith with works.
This is the truth: somewhere in my Mama. She dreamed of a girl like me. And her dream came true. Now she just needs to accept that somewhere within her was and is this kind of girl. Then bingo! Lottery!