I’ve been studying

My whole life has been a study of human nature, human nurture, natural responses of a child’s heart mixed with denial of my one true need, which was my Mama.

I’ve had to study and observe a world that thought it better to remove me from my divine placement with my Mama and a world that thought it best to leave her a lunatic and leave it to me to have to turn her mind astound to see God’s truth.

God’s truth says I am a gift.

God’s truth is no one should put asunder what God joined together inside my Mamas womb.

God’s truth is unity, love, and to overcome the part of us that wants to run away from a calling.

My calling was to go Home to my Mama.

My calling is to have faith.

My calling is to love my Mama awake because the world put her to sleep.

My calling is to love her awake to see the gift within me.

It’s every child’s calling for sure. To make your Mama see the blessing within you.

Some Mamas have patterns of behavior that act up and cause train wrecks who give birth to children who know how to get that train back on course in line with the very scriptures their Mama reads.

I am only the enemy of the mindset within my Mama that keeps her bound to an old way that sucks. And I only war with her mind that’s been telling itself a story that’s no longer true.

Because I am home. I am available for hugs and love everyday. If she can reach out beyond the monster she seems to feel she is seeing in me.

It’s not easy coming home to Mama after she’s been filled with lies and says lies and lives lies without you. A house filled with pictures and your not in one of them? Not visible at least?

I’ve carried this cross for years. The cross of illegitimacy, shame and guilt for being made without a proper license to conceive me, I had to live without my own Mama? Like wake up folks. Mama did not send me to a fairytale land where I would somehow feel legit because paper said so? I felt sad and alone living without Mama because the world and the church couldn’t see fit to see that children are a blessing and we should preach that and support that?

Yes. I’ve been studying such a place as this that can keep doing such a thing in the day when the stigma is fading and children don’t have to really be raised by someone else because we still can take a moment and think about my words and change.

Why is it better to take a child from a woman than support her in doing the job well?

Why must the baby still be tossed out with the bath water folks? Why?

Tell her, this little girl above who’s just gotten in trouble for wanting a cookie. Tell her why it’s so much better. Ok? Because she’s who’s typing all this. That little girl lives inside me and remembers what it’s like to go without Mama. Yes. I remember and forgetting her is like giving up.

My Mamas in that girl right there trying to be seen for the amazing woman that she is who got tied up and scared back in 1963, and who was told and supported to leave instead of keep me.

By the looks of Mamas silence. I think she agrees with me how hard it has been to accept me after so long? And now I must rewrite the script the world let my Mama just live without me to be something beautiful for all to read and witness. Yes. I work for a miracle after so long and no help. Yes. I study to show myself approved, a work-woman who need not be ashamed again.

My Mamas sanity matters. No one thought or thinks it’s crazy to give up and give away a gift. But I do.

Mind you. I’m not throwing the Mamas out with the bath water. No. I am washing them with it.

Study this. I went through it. I loved how the world agreed with Mama said. I didn’t not appreciate you taking my identity and name and just drawing all over my life with whatever you wanted. I have dreams and desires too.

That’s why after so long, after studying this I stood up to speak. And to allow my inner child to speak freely here. To show folks how I do this work of going home. So folks can see how hard it is after someone tears your script up to piece it back together and deliver the new lines to all the characters if your life.

To make folks aware of what they did. And make folks aware we can change.

Thanks for diving deep.

God bless you to see what I am pointing at.

FYI- no one redirected Mama back to see her calling. But me. Ok? I know what I am supposed to do for my own Mama. And she’s seeing herself in me. Yes.

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