I wonder? Is my birthday really my birthday?

I am sitting here watching YouTube tarot readings. I kind of enjoy the story telling of the cards. I feel all along I’ve longed for a way to focus my mind on the best outcome. Tarot helps to load new options and advice. The church just throws the Bible at ya and expect you to just figure it out. And I did figure it out by reading the scriptures and following my own instinct and navigational system built within me to learn about this world.

Loosing my Mama made it possible for me to examine all parts of the experiences we call life. I’ve observed my Mamas religiosity and heard her babble. I’ve opserved what she was told and has it thrown at me like a book to read? I’ve already read it. The Bible says it’s already written within me Mama? Oh? They don’t tell you that at church do they? No. They don’t. But god told me. Because I didn’t have you teaching me an old script now did I? No. You sent me away, so I would not be contaminated with religiosity and rhetoric, would I? But you are? And so are my sisters! Yeah.

You’re trying to infect my daughter but it won’t work. She’s covered in my blood. I’m in there and the old way is out baby. We. Including my daughters and son, and Mama Jean! Clean as we go and I smell shit on you Mama! My shits out and cleaned and washed in the blood of grace. But I’ve not heard a thing from you and it Stinks!! Look at that! The part of you you forgot is me baby. And I’m loaded with a clear mirror to view yourself within! Clean and pure. If you see shit! It’s on you!

The girls have endured enough of your bullshit show! If you had truth? You’re be chirping baby. But your not are you? Slap on the back might jar it loose? Or a good old slap to the head from the past! Bam! Wack! Wake! Up! This? Is not you. Look into this mirror!

What’s here?

Love!

Caring

Courage

Compassion

Kindness

Tough love

Balance

Mental clarity

Look. Into me and see your whole self healthy. Cuz that’s what I am. Healthy. Alive. Kicking! And screaming like the day you bore me! I screamed so loud they brought me back to you!! Don’t tell me god’s not with me. Or the powers over me and within me. For God is all.

I see you. Pure. Clean. And grace all over you!! Look!! At the Beauty brought back to you! This is about spiritual unity and coming home the whole way. You’re a stickler for serial Mama. Like come on.

You like me like this! It’s amusing you? Reminding you of a gal you were? The lady that god made me from? Full of passion and vigor!! Tenacious and vivacious!! Inspiring! And bouncy! Singing all the time! Bold.

I soaked all of you up Mama. So that God could bring me back to wake you up like a trumpet! To bring your voice back to you. Love would do that for you. Yes. Take a moment to read these words and let them soak in. Like miracle grow on the soul? Love. Is all I have to give you. But your holding onto the past Mama? How can you receive what god’s bring to you with arms filled with woe? About me? And you? Yuck.

Please put that shit down Mama. ASAP.

Get up Mama. God’s shining on you? Is your lamp oil filled? The true bridegroom is god. Jesus, god. Universe. Source? All the same. Just a different name. Blessings are what God wishes for you. What the hell are you thinking it is? Isn’t going through life without me enough torment? Is t it enough to be set free from a lie? A story? You made up? God sent me to you first Mama. God knows what god’s doing. God knew what you would do. Yes. And god knew what I would do. Yes.

You ordered me to come home. You ordered to know the truth. You prayed. And I have delivered. As best I could. It was a lot to hold onto to tell my Mama the truth. But I did it. I stood up and said ouch! It hurt and was brave and bold. Like you used to be. I hate even writing that. Makes me upset. But I know it’s just a faze. You’ll snap out of it. I believe in you. Yes. I do. And your son turned around and exposed and feeling vulnerable in the spot light with me. I get it. That’s how I felt growing up without you.

But your here with me. Ok? No one can hurt you now. You were already hurt Mama and lived to long like that without care. But I’ve learned how to heal wounds. My own. So I used all I received to help you heal your mind about me and my Daddy and that time in your life. My Daddy blessed me. So I bless you back. Full circle. He gave me the blessing and I pass it onto you.

I’d love to be with you to help you heal Mama. I am a fabulous cook. Like her Mama. I’d love to make you some coffee and pancakes and help with housework and all that. Not all the time? But real visit and sharing.

I’ve walked with you through this valley of the shadow of your egos death. God has allowed me to speak to your ego and used me to do so. Also my own Ego? I don’t get out of correction either. I’m first.

The thing about loving your Mama like I do is? It’s non negotiable. It’s just auto pilot. You may sander my Hyde. But I love you any old way. We can be hateful or lovable. Whatever dance your needing Mama? I’ll gladly dance with you. I’m a fool for my Mamas.

No. I don’t put things in boxes. I just go at it. All over the place and crazy like you used to be and still are!! Deep inside! Your like a perfect storm. Wild. Blustery. Wet. Forceful. Forthright.

Telling a lie is like leaven Mama. I’m alive. And your daughter. Living like I am dead and not telling my sisters about me was a lie. How can you even think life will even make sense when the truth come home? Hmmm? That lie altered your whole view of this world and of being a Mama? It stunted you and expanded you.

We have been energetically tied together since my birth. You have felt my energetic pull on your spirit my whole life. You have prayed for me and felt my illnesses. You have recorded your feelings and kept a journal. You just need to accept that it was a story to accept the truth of love before you. Yeah. You were wrong about yourself and me and my Daddy. Love is what I am made of Mama. I know how to drive the demons from us all. The truth.

Will you spurn God’s gift? Was I not made from you? Your body and spirit and soul? Would you not really wish to have permission to really dive deep into this pool of love? Well? Permission granted!

No one will give you a bit of grief now for wanting me around Mama. I dare them too. They will deal with me. If I have forgiven you for giving me away and having such a hard time accepting me back? Then they can do the same. I read and practice the word Mama.

Call me on whatever you wish. In person please. I’ll listen over coffee and then we can laugh at how dramatic we are. Xoxox

Happy Halloween Mama.

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