Being Adopted challenges everything. Like everything.

Growing up a private adoptee born in 1963 with only the narrative of my Adopted family and the world was a challenge. Why? Because inside? I saw it way differently. And what everyone told me challenged me and my beliefs to the core.

Growing up Adopted challenges my faithfulness and commitment to flesh and blood and also to my faithfulness to a stranger who took her time and gave it to me. Could I commit and maintain my own standards? Could I love two woman at once? Yes. The answer is yes. And that’s amazing because the world tried to make me give up on them both.

Growing up as a private adoption in 1963, in the USA was a ride for sure. And there were many twists in the road I grew up on. Unlike children who are kept, I had to forge my life from within and without and little information about either. I grew up perplexed and dismayed many times as I tried to figure out my lines and read them correctly. But my Mama always got in the way. And that was a good thing. Because I only needed to read my own lines and everyone else could just follow me.

Growing up Adopted is so conflicting to the mind, body, and spirit. I struggled to find a narrative that felt complete and truthful. So I held it all inside, my own world would have to wait to be an adult, it was clear growing up that no one would listen to me? What did I know? I was just a child? Wrong. I knew a lot very early in life, but no one really wanted to hear that back then.

I was very independent growing up. I kept to myself a lot. I knew me. Everyone else seems way off and didn’t even get me? I felt many times like some strange ghost blowing through the lives of these others my Mama sent me to live with? Where is my Mama? It became a song? So I look for her in others growing up. Looked for myself in others and it helped me connect. Because I felt very disconnected and lived in a fog much of the time.

Childhood illnesses and tummy aches got me surgery and medicine that would not heal what those around me did not wish to see. I was homesick. And my own Mama, places me in a world were she was not and I longed for her like the air I breath. And I felt guilty and ashamed for loving her so much. Not a fun mental space to have to live but I had no counseling to give me permission to love her and tell me it was a natural feeling to feel about your own Mama? Mama did not realize she had placed me in confusion town. And herself for that matter.

    I would grow up learning about how to navigate Mama out of her old head space to get her into a new headspace that was within her. The cells I made back then still live within Mamas mind. God led me to the research to prove it and show me what I felt had words!! That I was deeply connected to my Mama and was a walking talking as I live and breath, piece of Mama growing wild with some stranger I now call Mom. And have chosen to love. Not because Mama sent me here, but because she showed up. She could have regifted me too? But she didn’t. She stood by me.
    I learned to navigate Mama by learning how to navigate a complete stranger to get my needs met when I had not formed cells to help her instincts to do so. I had to read her and teach her my language with no biological means to draw from within her? Like I was not there except as an idea of a baby? I had to carve my own room and hand program by trial and error to get my needs met. Many of the means I used would be called manipulation by the clinical world. But I kept me alive so I have no judgment about it. Adoption is a manipulation what do you expect is how I feel.
    Mama Jean had many ideas about who I was in her life. And she felt entitled to just write over and scribble her lines and dominate ideas into my brain. Over the top of Mama. But? That. Did not work like she thought? Or how Mama thought? Back in the 60 the thought was children are blank slates and have no memories of the womb. I am writing today to refute this nonsensical nonsense. I am living proof I remember my Mama. I act and talk like her. I share mannerisms she would just asoon forget ever where. Which makes me sad. Many of Mama perceived weakness were actually what got the job done for me growing up without her?
    I channeled everything I learned about my Mama in our 9 month meet and greet. And it saved me so? I see my Mamas weaknesses as strength. Bold. Forthright. Blunt. Passionate. Had helped me learn and grow. The only stupid question is the one you don’t ask. I’ve asked a lot of question on this journey as my Mamas Child raised by another. Why must children be labeled illegitimate is a question no one could answer? And why must I grow up without my Mama because of the way I was created? These ideas did not make sense to me. And I never wanted them too. Because I wanted to change it and make folks see what’s being done to us.
    I felt a lot growing up. A lot! And when ever I was hurt it scared I went to Mama, inside me. I had a place I would go to find her. A wisp of a voice I remembered, a laugh, my blanket that smelled enough like her it would comfort me. I would get very upset when blanky had to be washed and would cry at the washer and then the dryer till blanky was back in my arms. I took blanky everywhere just like I took Mama with me.
    Growing up Adopted I had two world. One world was inside me and private. One world was the one I navigated with little gps. I really just wanted Mama back so bad. I told God I would do anything. And worked to prove that I was good enough to get her back. That’s how I felt growing up. Like God was mad at me and keeping my Mama from me until I was a good girl? Thats took some mental Navigation to get out of? Since I had no counselor but God. My brothers and sister in Adoption now tweet, blog and speak in droves attesting to similar experiences.
    What’s it like growing up without your Mama? Hell. I would not wish this on anyone. And I’d love to be able to truthfully say it’s was great! But? It’s wasn’t. My longing for Mama overshadowed it all. Mama didn’t factor in her DNA being that strong? Hell? Does she even know what DNA is? I don’t know? She doesn’t act like she understands DNA? And my family has just left her ignorant? So many college degrees and an ignorant Mama of the truth? Sad. I won’t back down. And you all had it coming to ya. You didn’t realize how science works and feedback loops? Yeah. This worlds a cause and affect world? Feedback is for edification.
    My mama may have thrown me or given me away. Whatever color you paint it, she deviated from the original design by choice. Conscious choice. Mama was 25. Concerting age to make conscious choices. Did she have all the facts? No. Science didn’t have the facts so I had to live and learn to explain the facts I experienced and back my shit up!! Because Mamas mind was like a fortress. Truth would be the only thing that could cut through the shit inside her head that she told herself after the fact that she realized what she did and was wounded beyond repair. But she was strong and just kept gimping along. My sisters gimp with her. Yes. I know this is harsh. It was as harsh for me to witness my own family acting like this. It’s an affect of the cause. I’m 55. And I’ve done the work. I know what I see with these eyes trained to see by my own Mama?
    Guess Mama thought I forgot her? Silly woman? How does one forget their own Mama? And yet folks just expect adoptees to do just that so that strangers can dance on the graves or perceived graves of your dreams? Hell no. I’ll dance on my own grave thank you! Alive!! And with my own Mama thank you! Please! I have my own mind. And I know what I want. Not just need. I want my crazy Mama who gave me away and blocks me. Who makes me coffee and lets me and my son in so my big sister can come flying in the door to bully me and call me crazy in front of my son. Yeah. That woman. My Mama.
    Yes. I knew what I was up against? A complete rewrite!! Confronting an old narrative that sucks and no one seems to see it? I had to learn how to tap folks in the head and knock down some walls with my words!! Yeah. Mental surgery. My whole family was infected with the mindset of the times to today. And I am a janitor, surgeon, preacher, sister, daughter, who bring the meds to set us all free of that shot show! Reality tv my ass. Screw that old reality. We’ve learned and grown. And yes. I hit hard. We don’t have anymore time to waste on this except to learn and I am teaching everyone about me and my adopted family. I won’t give up on them, you, or myself. We all can do better. And my Mamas first. Lady’s first. Mama first.
    My Mamas got things to say. She’s just needs to know that it’s ok? The worst is over. All that’s gonna just fade away. I’ll rip the script right out of your hand if God let’s me! And god let me! Rip!! Burn it?? Thank you Heavenly Father for sending the new script and showing me how to begin again. Help me teach my family our new lines and how to live in our promised land. Thank you god for expanding the scriptures to me and showing me that we all are supposed to act like Jesus and learn why he acted like he did. I am grateful for this wild journey. I pray and ask that we all see. Help me to explain what you have taught me growing up like this. May it make people see what we all suffer as children and it affects the planet, and that includes us all? This is a cell? No? Are we able to see that yet and get beyond this woo woo mentality to understand science and that this places is amazing? Beyond these narratives that must change is a better world.

Maya Angelou said it best.

When we know better, we do better.

(Paraphrase)

How could me and my family do better if we don’t take the time to even know each other? What a waste of a life and a purpose? My life? I’ve not been able to be so lazy? Working to find my Mama was my life. Like homeward bound and I’m the cat throw out instead of the child? Trying to find my way home in a plastic world! Trying to be a human brave little toaster! In a world of air conditioners that argue with Kirby vacuum cleaners. Just looking for the master, the Mrs, the Mama.

I just stretch my head at folks? Like what did you think I was doing? I mean my family has displayed some crazy actions in reaction to my actions? Quite interesting data? A systemic mental paradigm about what adoption meant to them or their understanding of it? What they told themselves and what they allowed into their minds about Adoption was very limited. I was confronted by ignorant comments and back handed ideas with no real grounding in truth at all? Hearsay? None of them had even cracked a book about Adoption and Adoptees to even understand me?

That was Mamas doing. She left a big hole dug in them all for me to jump into. I I jumped and they jumped! Scared the shit out of them and about damn time says Phil!! Yes. I hear Phil. He talks to me. I am gifted like that. I just don’t talk about it, or haven’t. Now I am safe to speak about the gift of hearing spirit. God’s taught me how to follow spirit and watch and learn. I trust all the voices. I listen to my inner voices of reason and weigh it all? I am connected to God, Spirit, my ancestors, dead people have tried to communicate with me for years. It freaked me out so I blocked it? Mentally? At times? But I still lived in that gift I could not refuse God and have seen many blessing come from the hard things I’ve had to say to people I love to help them navigate life. I benefit from feedback. I expect folks to speak up and give feedback. It’s like sonar.

Guess I see it as an instinct, bats have sonar our sonar is verbal too. And we bounce our voices off each other. That’s how we learn and evolve. Talking is key to progress. And listening is key too. My family need to speak. I’m head to listen. And have in fact been listening to what they call silence. Silence is golden and says a lot about a person. No words. No bullets for the gun. We don’t kill people, we don’t kill ideas? We educate ignorance and make her a learned friend. But someone’s got to change the status quo. That would be me. Yep. Me.

I’ve had to step my game up being Adopted. Now it’s your turn to learn what I learned? So suck it up like you all made me do and put your big pants on and let’s grow up. The future is depended on our actions today. I choose truth. Like I have faced the truth of my past? And now I write about it to help you face yours? Someone’s got to step up and get real like Cardi B!! Damn right! I’m the queen of talking shit and I’m backing it! We all have to face our shit. And it time for my family to face their own shit and maybe work on being decent people, humans, Christians, druids, whatever!

The way I see it? You’ve left me out on the streets talking? You must like drill Sargent me? You seem to like me coming on here and speaking about this? Like I don’t know? Knock. Knock. Knock? You guys are Christians right? Anyone gonna answer the door and let me in? What? You guys didn’t read that scripture? Who exactly is the least of these my brethren? I’ll tell you. Any mother trucker god sends!! What the hell is family for? What are friends for? What are we here for? Free Will affects us all! It’s not free stop saying that statement!! Please. Free will is not free.

See? There are so many angles. And folks be like slow down. I’m like speed up! Damn your slow? I get angry at myself when I am slow! More like come on body it get it together!! I’ve had to recode some much of my belief systems and karmic patterns ingrained in my DNA!! My family just proves my point. Their reactions show their level of understanding. People who

  1. Understand what I am saying don’t get offended by it. I got over being offended when I realized I could learn beyond offenses. Like hurt my feelings. That’s not gonna stop me from getting back up. Listen. I used to hide because of my gifts. God would send me people to help. I’ve tried to hide. Lol. We all are visible. Some folks just tell themselves another story but everyone around everyone can see. The internet proves how uninvisible we are. Identify theft? Good luck. Me? Go ahead. Take my identity!! I can get a new one. I’ve already had many name changes from birth. Don’t like this parent, erase and write new ones in? Like God’s the one saying, yeah, Linda didn’t show up for her duties today, she went ahead with abandonment, now we have to rewrite her in at some point, she’s avoiding a lesson and a gift. We will just have to teach this child to do the new job when she becomes of age. Yeah. If God says children are gifts then my Mama regifted me? Which means she did not even open me? And passed me on to another? The question I keep hearing is from God’s perspective? “What truly is wrong with my gift Linda Marie?” You haven’t even opened it and keep trying to block her? You read my words and yet doubt? That I wish to bless you? Anyone of you? There’s nothing wrong with me. There’s a whole lot right about me!

I feel like a box kicked of the UPS truck and just bouncing down the road. I’m my Mamas gift. People told me different and one of them was my own Mama. Drunk from the wine of yesterday? She can’t see the truth in me, cuz she’s been living a lie. In God’s name. Time to come home Mama. The parties over. It’s time to stop running and blocking and whatever you’re doing. And surrender like I have. I am your child. I blocked you as much as I could but your bigger than Naomi Judd to Wynona to me. Ok?

Mamas affect their children. Children affect their Mamas. It’s time to sober up Mama. And get real. I know exactly the affect I am having on you and it’s for the better. My name is your name. So just like cut the crap as Vicki says. Cut the crap and stop tearing us all apart while I am sewing is back together! Keep

Blocking! Go on! How’s that working? Hmmm? Like lord Jesus Mama! I keep telling ya. I don’t back down and my sister just watch and eat popcorn!! Lord guys you want us like this and Mama like this? Let’s help her for god’s sakes? You all just seem to like her blocked and that says a lot about what you’ve had to deal with without me? Hmmm? Yeah. I see it girls. And it’s time we help her unravel and just be. I’ve shot all the demons down girl. Hit every panic button for God sake there’s a million!

I don’t know how you all have lived with her Parma going off like that and not even see it was me. Like wow. Systemic. Generational curses. Not in my family! I rebuke it in the names of Jesus! Don’t give a who ha! What anyone thinks!! Except god and god’s will? Yeah. God’s got a will too? God’s got to reroute things and cut wires and splice then?

  • Being Adopted? Lots of wires crossed and my Mother boards got fried. Both were wired with blocks in the perceptions due to Adoptions narrative limitations and exclusions to natural rules being ignored and natural boundaries torn to do what? Most Adoptions are avoidable. With proper support and guidance a woman can raise any child, even from rape. We act like children created from violence and ignorance should be just second hand goods. I am a good egg and feel this modality challenged my whole identity? And it also defies the very words this USA is founded on? Why are we still making babies and not teaching folks about protection? Why are men still raping? Well? One reason? We don’t talk enough about it cuz it’s not nice. And everyone seems to be soft around here even though folks are dying all day long? No one wants to know? Or do we? Are we ready to grow up? All of us?

Ignorance we can change. She’s like what we call a whore. Dress her up right and give her some pointers and pretty soon she looks like wisdom!! Yeah. Whore is an ignorant words and I don’t appreciate anyone tell me my Mama was a whore I could care less about me? Ignorance. I’ve had to look at this ignorant pimple of an idea, popping goo all over my brothers and sisters trying to live their best life!

The world does need to get it straight and I feel Adoptees have this set and reset. It’s about equality. All around. Foster care, adoption, human trafficking, rape, etc….. the list goes on. But like hello? How long are we all gonna just talk? I need you and you need me? Let’s ask the hard questions and help unravel and understand ignorance. Why are we still ignorant? And if anyone ignorant? We all are? College degrees don’t get you a hall pass on life. I was basically human trafficked, my Mother who was in a delicate state was manipulated by a world that gave her death or life without her? Wtf!

Where was my Mamas support in the 60’s to show up for duty and be proud to be my Mama? Huh? You weren’t there where you? But I was. Thank god she let me live. Or she’d be shot in the water with no way out without me coming back because my father in heaven said go get the one!! She’s my one. I’m her one. And I don’t back down on loving my Mama even if she’s in hell. Jesus told me, and showed me I could go get the keys to hell. And life and death. He’s my big brother. I’ve looked up to his life and prayed to see what he meant. To be a doer of the word and not just a hearer is what I learned. Affect positive change even if it seems negative at first. The truth does set us free once we swallow the pill. Xoxo

I am my Mama support. After having a good look at my family dynamics, I can see how far I’ve come. God’s sent me with the salt for my own Mamas wounds. I carry the wine and the oil of spirit within me to tend to her and ease her mind. My sisters are bats? I have to work on Mama. She’s the root of the family. And without me she’s just yesterdays news. And I won’t have that? I’m done with that second hand news.

I was there the day I was born. Screaming at the top of my little lungs!! They thought it was so cute how I turned myself over at 2 days old. They marveled. They did not know the hurt on me. And I came to do this I know. But ouch for god sake!! Ouch. Ouch. Ouch!!! Let’s say it together. I want my Mama! Yeah. I said that inside my head so many times. Fearing someone would find out about my affair with my Mama? That I would be disqualified and rejected again if I told anyone about my internal relationship with her. Took me years.

  1. Why do Adopted people get treated or ignored? Like our families of origin we now must define them as, are a part of our journey!
  2. Show some respect please. We’ve earned it living like this.
    We’ve all walked this trail of tears silently. Right under all your noses. We struggled. Yet you could seem to see?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s