My Mama, after we first met told me, my Dads first name, and struggle to tell me anything else. It was so strange to me, imagine after so many years of only knowing that I was loved and place for adoption. And I had to learn from Mama, why when I told her I was going to meet him, why she did not want me too. But Mama, didn’t realize, nor did I consciously, that I was not scared of him. And that in my defiance of her wish, I would make my Dad see what he did to my Mama. And that I would rock his world to the core as I faced him, and showed him, the product of his actions and what happened to that product because of his actions towards my Mama.
Mama never told my Dad about me. But he was not so shocked, as much as surprised in the woman on the other end of the phone who could boldly say, Your my Father. Oh, I took his breath away for sure, as he gasped for breath as I told him. The think Mama didn’t know, I didn’t tell her was it humbled him. He was humbled by my presence and my lack of judgement was a comfort to his soul; which is a good thing. He had a soul, and his body was very carnal and he was untrained as to how to act like a gentlemen towards my Mama. But, he learned, about me and he learned about Mama the day I knocked on her door, again boldly in your face, I am your daughter, from Linda.
I wasn’t scared of him, and I wasn’t scared to face him either. Little did I realize, consciously, what he had done to produce me. And it has taken much time for all the pieces to fit together to show me what the deal was. And to also be open to the solutions, I really did not want to go here with Mama and prayed she could just move along and love me? And yet? She just kind of kept living her life, without me around and avoided me like a pledge of some sort. That’s kind of how it felt. And I realized that it was Daddy in me that she was struggling with and all her emotions that she had not dealt with about it all. I triggered her big time!!!!!
And when I cut my hair? Well, Wahlaa! There he was, walking talking breathing son of a so and so that did this to her! It scared the shit out of her! Like she was so triggered and back there! She wonder if I would oft her with a grocery bag of food? I was so taken back and unprepared to assist her, but I got as close as I could while she was triggered, three times to be exact, to get in her energy field and disrupt it. I messed with Mama’s head, yes. I just rustle her vibration enough to jar it all loose. Like a good little girl, I just went at it with her, combing her vibration for lies and hurts, and would be the one to smooth this all out for her, Or I am not a chirstian!
And it has taken some really unorthodox ideas to jar this old up out of the old girl. LOL Just poking fun at my almost *) year old Mama. Look at the keys and you will know her age. LOL
It saddens me what happened to my Mama back in the day and that still there is nothing else to do but throw the baby out all day. Like men need to change and I work daily to speak to men about their shit. I do not back down and I teach them lessons no other woman can. Many just won’t, and don’t have the mental chops to see what needs to be said about it? I do. And I do.
Mama needs to realize that about me for sure. I don’t put up with shit, once I see it, I address it, if they don’t change it, I am gone. After a long tongue lashingly goodbye! Oh, they know why I leave and funny thing is? They don’t follow me? They would rather play with the one that don’t see and that is where I get up again. I don’t back down even after divorce. Cuz I give a shit.
I give my ex’s shit about their shit. I want men to be better even if it’s not with me. But being who I am, and how I came to be? Hell no, I’ll stay long enough to know what to say and then say it and leave it to God. Oh, hell no is my mantra about that.
Daddy might have taken some of Mama’s soul, but God sent me to bring it back to her! Amen
I carry the essence of my Mama’s soul lost back then. I extend the scepter of love to her by speaking my truth to show how much she mattered to me. I extend back to her the mirror of the souls she lost on that fateful day. I mirror back at her a warrior who warred a fight for her dignity and her honor beyond her own actions. She is my true North always. She’s my muse, my passion for life, my creativity and spunk. And I am blessed beyond all my pain because of that soul she lost and that is now found. I found her to give herself back to her. I brought her soul lost back to her for a second look and what God did with it.
That is a miracle man. A stone cold miracle in the making. How? I don’t know? I just lived this life Mama wanted and was going a long and God got ahold of me. God called on me, and asked me to do this and to trust. So I did. And each day, as I rise, I think about her. Her light, her hearth of love, and its worth telling the truth to take this chance and make it into something exceptional, and not mediocre, like it was. All limp and lifeless we were. All Cold and immovable. Frozen in time, back to a day, that needed to be cleared up by the girl who came from that day, back to her Mama, who lost on that day something special. God placed it in me for safe keeping to present to her later in years when life was a bit cold and needed light to see by because God lit me up like a beacon! Like a candle in Mama’s storm of life and loss, to guide her back to herself again and to rekindle that soul that was lost so long ago.
God took my own baby away to make me see Mama’s pain and to feel it. I felt Mamas loss when Chelsie left me cold on the road of life. It took me back, and helped me see how important my truth was and that Mama would see in the end beyond our messy beginnings was a clean and clear path that I would carve for us. As safe path for us to walk together. I came back to show her I dealt with my Dad energy, and that he was on lock. Like, yes, he is here, but you have nothing to fear now. I took care of it and continue to bring light onto the subject of Date rape and mens behavior.
I came from that energy, but I am not that energy. I came to change that for Mama and for Mama’s all over by showing that we the children are not our fathers, we are from them, but not of them. I was given a chance to change something for Mama, by showing her Dad in me and that she need not fear any longer by facing her fears along side her. I walked this with her. I walked this dark hallway back to her past and have handled each demon, and showed her their faces. And she’s ok. She ok. Its safe now. I made it home to give you your soul back and to help you forgive yourself for feeling you earned that kind of treatment and for not having anyone to talk to about it. I am here to listen to you, and to weep with you as Jesus tells us to do in the scriptures. Weep with those who weep. Mama, you need to weep, on my shoulder about this one.
I have traveled a long way to comfort you. And God has prepared me to give you many years of joy to come. Cleaning this up has been difficult, facing Mama’s truth was hard, but I am not dead. And I am wiser for knowing how I came to be, consciously. It all makes sense now why Mama acted like she did. And now she knows why I acted like I did. Nothing, will stand in the way of my love for Mama, nothing, especially an old raggedy memory of a man long gone who did this to her. I am the blessing from that storm. I am the blessing disguised. Hidden and returned. And that piece of her soul is loved dearly by God and by me.
I amy look like my Dad some, but my Mama’s my soul. xo