The thing is, if I was created by a loving God, then I am created from love. When I found out that I was created from love and also from some kind of twisted experience that left my Mama not feeling loved, it broke my heart. Like I traveled so long, and with such intense feelings driving me home, that I now see why. My Mama sure needs to be free from that old raggedy past for sure. And from what I can see, I am the only one who can guide her back to herself. And she to who guides me back to part of myself.
Mama’s truth is not the truth. Ultimately, the old truth has been found out to be a lie. And Mama’s got to do something about that epiphany. But what? What does a Mama do when her whole world, come crashing down with a swipe of her child’s truth? Yeah, like no one gave her that manual? But I know that way. And trust is what I rebuild in her with my truth. I cut away the cancer that separates us. Lies are cancerous. Ours were to our mind.
And Mama’s washed in the blood of christ, and should not be feeling shame at all. But my truths made her feel shame she thought she had cleaned away, that God has cleaned away? Stuffing is not cleaning. God showed me that truth. To clean an old closet of its skeletons is to tear everything out and throw stuff away and place each piece that is worthy, back inside.
My Mama and I have been out of order for years. Coming home to her showed me how far out of whack we were. But like a good little girl, and that is who I am. I stepped up, cleared my throat and yelled like hell, so she could hear me. I spoke words that poked buttons on my Mama board to wake her up to our truth, that is still true. Her blood, made my blood. And I respect that enough to speak up so she could see.
Mama could not know, consciously, how I felt. But after I began to speak up, her emotions kicked in as she resisted the truth that was dying to live inside her. It was like she held her own self captive as I did too. And its like my cry is a trumpet to her soul, that says, now! Come out now! My cry and my message is to her, it is safe now Mama. It is safe to tell your side, like, look at me bravely saying my ugly words, that covered my love. I am bravely and boldly doing this for her to see she can do this too and that I will support her process. I will stand my her. I came back. End of discussions. So lets do this, its time.
Stop asking why me. And ask why not me. WE are the champions of this tale, Mama and me. And our new day means we all get a do-over. WE get to rewrite this. And for me that is exciting. Our past can not hold us captive anymore. I broke the mold and broke out of the box, and I stand beside Mama as she does the same. I love my Mama that much.
And what a testimony? The love of a child given away who found her way back? And who with truth and healing in her wings, gave back her own Mama’s power to be who she is. Our time of growing up together is gone, but our time to grow together is here. And what I have illuminated was invisible to my family, except me. And I lit the skies up, so Mama could see what she was unable to see, she she could watch me wack at each demon and weed of thought that kept her thinking an old way.
Its never fun having God trim you. And I have been trimmed as much as Mama. Its like God rubbed us together to grind off the lies, so that we could see each other new. Polished by each other. And that is miraculous. I don’t know if Mama’s there yet, but she won’t let me down again. Now that she sees, what she did not see about us. That God wanted to give us something back for going through all this. That her story matters too, to so many woman wanted to heal and connect with their child.
Mama’s got a message to say. And no matter what she says to me, I will listen as best I can and learn from her wisdom, from her side of this coin. I know it is not easy, but I feel God is preparing me to listen. I have cleared all my shit out. So I can make room for her truth to set in. It is our destiny. I feel it strongly. And I know God will come through. My doubts you have seen, as I travel back in time to recall why I wanted to go back home. But those doubts are only growing pains of what I feel coming for she and I. Ive waited so long and wrestled with doubt my whole life.
“Will Mama believe me?”
Ive doubted that. But I believe in myself which send the message to her that I believe in her. That is how it works. Its a feedback loop between she and I. I am feeding her the truth so she can nourish herself on it, and have strength to rise above it. Truth is cool like that. But I am not sure Mama’s had this kind of truth in a while? She seemed so shocked and yet not? I think my sisters have struggled the most and Mama with them. Its not easy for them either, and I get it. I can only tell my side and how it looks and feels to help them adjust. And I can only listen to theirs and adjust as well, which I wish to do. I have initiated this pattern of truth so that they can be free to speak their as well. And I am strong enough to take unwelcome and crazy and whatever they want to through at me because they fear this change that I am and that I challenge their whole life?
Talk about a blind spot I came from? Wow! Like a tornado from nowhere! It was like devastation and mass mental chaos. I see situations like that as, God, turning us all upside down and cleaning us up. Some people like a bath? Some don’t? Some have never really been cleaned by God? I have. Many times as I warred with my Mama Jean who’s not like me at all, learning to hone my gifts and be better as she instructed me in her ways. She is quite different than the family I was created from. And it need not be a bad thing? Growing up it was quite traumatic to be so diabolically different, I had to stand my own ground that was quite different from the ground she came from.
My Daddy probably had a lot to do with me being able to stand my ground. Every time Mama Jean did something that conflicted with my inner North? I told her, sometimes she listened, sometimes we butted heads, and sometimes I got it. My parents together make up my true north, just as my children’s do. Mama’s true North was her parents. Even though I know Mama had issues with my Gramma. My GRamma was a capricorn. Go figure. Mama struggles with her earth sign peps. I am a capi and so is my eldest sister and so is my gramma. In fact you can add up my sister and my birthday and you get my grammas birthday. Neat I think. So much a God thing how the numbers line up? LOL Thanks Lord for connecting me in so many ways with Mama.
It kind of feels like I was clocking Mama all along and passed right with her. LOl. Thanks Lord. You are so amazing! I know I was meant to go home. So Many things that are connected by birthdays and other things. I will share with you later. But its is cool as heaven.
My Dad might have taken something from her, but God made something from it. And then took Mama’s force at which she threw me away, and threw me right back at her. LOL. God does have a sense of humor. She’s like what? The Lords like yes. She’s like no. The Lords like, yes dear one. She’s like, no, its a mess. The Lords like, she can help you clean it up, trust me. She’s like no, I can’t. The Lords like, yes Linda M, you can and will in my name. She’s like, ok. She has no way out but this way out. And I am the greeter this time and I will do better than what was done to me.
I am the tour guide. And yes I am tough. But there is so much squishy love inside this loaf of sour dough and butter tastes so good with me. So Mama had to know, she needs to know, that I have her back like she did not have mine. Yes, I do. I am making it safe. I am her champion. I am her cover, this time. xo
I am teaching Mama about love. Ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no valley low enough, to keep from from getting to you babe. I feel in some twisted way, my Dad loved her quite deeply and it made him just act stupid. Men are like that. And they don’t get much training about woman and have to bang around learning. Mama, hit him with a frying pan. I was the frying pan. lol Good one Mama. And because of that? I kind of hit men in their heads with frying pans all the time, cuz someones got to tell them? How will they learn?
Oh, my Daddy learned about my Mama from me. Oh yes. His face the day I showed up unannounced, I kind of entered this world like that, unannounced. His face when he saw me? He melted. He went soft and poetic. He was awestruck. I was stunning to him. He was so memorized my me and my love and care for him. It was like Mama got through to him through me? IT is so God. And in the end he had given his life to God. So miraculous. Mama didn’t see that coming and was pleased I feel to hear he straightened out. I feel I got the best of him.
To love is to teach love. To be committed is to teach commitment. Mama did not even consider, that the part of her in me would stay committed to her. And I did. My Dad in me did. Whatever they had was and is real. And it was strong and raw and crazy at times. And that love is what made me. And so I live with those two knuckle heads inside me all day. LOL. I love those two so much. xo
If Mama thinks I hate her, its because she hates herself. Truth. She can’t see me for her own hatred. She can’t see my love for her own view is clogged with the past that has out grown this tale of love. I stand at her hearts door and knock, each day. I write for the world to see, what loves doing with this pile of shit is putting into the garden of the world to nurse us to do better and be strong. I am some kind of mental manner spreader, and those I spread shit with, grow. Oh yes. I have done this for years with friends and have lost them and gained them back again after they see what I really did for them. I am a jewel. In many a friends crown. And I most certainly am a jewel in both my Mama’s crowns, however tilted they are at this time. They are my queens.
And I a loving jester who’s council is most needed. Both my Queens have grown cold and are not easily amused these days. They both long for more and I feel it. And I know the remedy. Unity always brings a smile, on Gods face. Unity is what we will have. And unity is healing in nature. So, healing is what we need as we stitch this quilt together at last, all the pieces in their rightful places and all adored and pricelessly placed with loving intentions of a child who cared enough to finish what two knuckled heads started.
Thanks for diving deep with me today.
God Bless and keep you
And make his/her face to shine upon you
My you walk in truth and love
And follow things through to the end
And see, that the Lord is good
And rewards those who diligently seek