It would appear, but I’m not gonna hold to any one truth at this point. I’ve told Mama how I feel and it appears she doesn’t like my style? She’s forgotten that she sent me to someone else for training and doesn’t even have the manual from which I was trained.
Inner dialogue doesn’t just show up in your head. It’s is influenced by who and what’s been said to you over and over again. I’ve got some ideas in me that my Mama did and doesn’t appreciate. Spot on Mama. Now you have experienced just a taste of my world growing up.
If my Mama feels harmed by my words, how does she think it felt to me to have to wade through all this muck to find love? Love is what I was told Mama felt for me and yet I wonder now? Does Mama even know what the love is? Does she know what I’ve had to sacrifices to be who she sent me to be? I am not convinced.
It’s nice to get cards and gifts. Yes. But cards a gifts only express deeper what is. Mamas sent me I am sorry cards and yet I already know that. What are we, she and I going to do about that is my question? As Christians we have the word to look too and that should be enough. But it’s not.
Mamas unprepared for this phase. But thank God I am. Armed with God’s love and willing to do the work on us. I really don’t want to think my Mama was the player here? But she’s not really committed to us? And that may be why I feel my Father energy around me so much lately. It’s like God’s using him to show me how to heal Mama about my Dad? Kind of amazing and yet terrifying when I am writing all this crazy stuff I never realized was within me?
Healing is messy. And I want to show my kids that however it comes, take it. God said it was the narrow road we wanted. And this is narrow as the road to hell and back when your trying to wake your Mama up to her own silent hell. She needs to be free. Free to love the part of me that’s her and learn about the better sides of my Father and how I deal with the bad sides?
I deal with the bad side by letting my Mama side deal with it in love. I love them both and my conception was definitely not ideal for sure. So, we need to spruce this thing up a bit and trim some things off and edumacate folks! Quick! Cuz I got loving and living to do and I want Mama in my life so she and I can live beyond this past that’s tied us apart for way to long. And my and mamas healing means there is healing for everyone. Including Mama Jean. Everyone in the triads looking for love. And everyone in mine is finding love in many forms. Truth is a form of love and shows where a person is at in their head about a situation or idea. And once you are placed on the solid ground of anyone’s foundational truths, you can work magic. Truth is the bottom line. It’s the corner stone. It supports situations and ideas. If an idea has out lived it ultimate truth, it dies and another newer truth takes it place and forever changes perceptions in all involved. My truth has illuminated a change that took place in 1963. And now the truth of who I really am, has come full circle. And knocks on my Mamas door. But she still seems to be living in the past? She says she over it? Well then why can’t she love me? Like her child? Because I am? I am still the child now woman who came from her? See! Very perplexing. And I am really done. I’ve said this before. But it needs saying again for others to gain strength from my declaration. You just can’t block your own child from coming back to her own roots? Like come on. And my concern is for us all, but for my children to have their whole family together and healthy of mind, body, and spirit. I get it. My families got lots of truth that don’t line up with mine? Let me say this. Their truths are hearsay, mine are the real deal. They think they know what Adoptions like? They don’t know what it was like, on my end of this ugly stick. It’s a one way ticket to hell, away from your Mama and all your little self ever knew to go to place so strange it messes with the mind God gave you from your Mama! It’s so against the grain. My Mamas not dead? So why can’t she still be who she ultimately is? Why? Why is my family not excited to have a new sister who’s lived another way? Why are we not congealing? I’ll tell ya what I think? And I have. They’ve gotten used to life without me. My Mama did not keep space for me in her life except in darkness and secret. And by coming back I was the jack in the box who just opened up surprisingly with no turn of the crank and spoiled Mama rewrite of her own story. Ignorantly I might add. Oh, I was so fired up inside to meet my family. I had stories so much love in me for them. I saved it all up to give. I told the truth after 25 years of my family just going on as if I was dead still? Seems a good amount to show patience’s? Don’t you think? And my family really doesn’t get what it like, to hold something in so long? Like when you have to pee, wait to long? And it’s a mess. So. There ya go. I blurted it out and messed all over the world wide floor! And shame on me? No, shame on a world that kept me bound there by ignorantly leaving me stranded with no way home! We are planning a trip to Oregon in June. We are gonna get a nice cabin and stay close to Mamas town, and I am going to invite the family to a healing week for visits and transformation. Mama can come visit us at this neutral place. We will be close enough for Chelsie Lynn to come visit too and bring her friends if she likes. I want to have dinners so family can come and meet me again. Now that my family has had a taste of my side of the coin they know better and will do better I am sure. I see their hearts. But their minds has some ideas and beliefs that don’t match the whole idea of me. And yes, I believe in myself enough to stand up and ask for what I want from my own Mama. She’s within me, guiding me back home to her. Mama wants this more than you know. But I know my Mamas heart. I heard all her prayers for me and tears for me. I matter to her too. Stop making her choose. I am not an option now. I am fundamental and foundational. Bone from her bone and flesh from her flesh. And strong as an ox. It is to bad we could not talk about this sooner. It’s sad I took this to make any of you see me? I am a part of each family member. As they are me. I look forward to our new. And believe my family is cleansing themselves from anything that they have held as truth that separates us. Because they now know the price I paid to be separated that they could not understand without my content. I trust in myself. And I trust my family will rise. I will speak these words until I see it. Because faith is the substance of things hoped for. And I know better and how to get better. You burn it down to the ground and get on the rock. No more sinking sand ideas for me. Christ represents the truth. Christ is the rock this truth is from. Suffer the little ones to come unto me. For such is the kingdom of heaven. I’m from heaven. Don’t hate me because I know who I am.