Ok. So… here’s the thing

Like I’ve said, I am 55. I am over a half a century old. Right? About the age Mama was when we first met. And here’s where I show you how it is.

I would like my Mamas to meet. Right? I feel it is the next best step, or is it? Here’s why.

Mama Jean is just fed up with me going on and on and trying to update her about how I really feel. Most kids tell their parents how they feel, at least in a healthy family. That’s where adoption can do something to make this better for kids to process. And the parents listen and respond. Unhealthy family’s stop communication and control the conversation to always win. And it a dynamic Ive struggles with myself. It’s like a bad habit. And I read books and pray daily for Gods grace to help me do better. (I am saying the adoption illusion we have lived for my whole life created this area of diminished health for lack of contact and eventual contact with my family and Mama Jean) (And no provision for my Mamas to grieve their losses for that matter)

And yeah. She right. This needs to happen. She was ready to get on the broom and fly up to Mamas, and I asked the Lord. lord said, ” No, It’s not up to Mama Jean, it’s in Mamas court”. I’m like not having a clear good feeling about it. I mean for me it’s about, feel, that’s how God speaks to me. I feel it and I know when it’s right. It’s clicks.

These woman appear to be seeing a loss all around? And I’m like yeah!! Say goodbye!! Cuz we having a Hail Mary here!! No ones been thinking about what I’ve been thinking about? And that’s what pissing me off? Hello! New chapter! Burned the old one! Check! Meet, check. Old gone. New behind! Let’s start a new family tradition! One that’s real!

Thanks.

I want My Mamas to have a blessed Mother’s Day. I love them? And I love ya all enough to share this made plan God’s leading me to do.

I know my Mamas care deeply. I got filled with shit. I told the truth. Poured out this black shit from my heart. To show. In the end. I did not care and loved them away? Isn’t that Christ point? Cover the multitudes of sin with love? Or missed marks as I like to think. Sin sounds so hopeless. You sinner! You damned sinner.

May I remind us all, it’s Sinner saved by grace. Grace is what powers forgiveness. And truth set us free to try again.

Happy pre Mamas day.

Love your Mama enough to be authentic.

She will in the end.

See the great love in that gesture.

And the truth will set you both free.

To love again and again.

Xo

So Mama Jeans like, ok. This is driving me crazy. And really. These woman just have lived like this for so long, they don’t see the need? Like two woman going to work to the same old grind. Coffee, breakfast, and so on. Mama reads daily devotionals and Mama Jean watches news and each day, they have lives their lives thinking about me, each different, and yet each holding me, in some story they have of me growing up.

I think a lot of people still identify with this feeling of needing to break out. And the sixties was filled with that kind of energy. And we all want this in a bad way. But I feel God wants it his way. I am yielding to God’s leading me to direct us towards our best direction in this meeting.

Mama Jean, was ready to drive all the way up to Redmond, take money out of her Acct. So we could have a nice time. But I got a check in my spirit?! Lord, what is this check in my spirit. What. Lords like, everyone needs to know who running this show. You tell them that. Ok. Yes Lord.

I am feeling this so strongly it has stirred all my Mama issues up. Thank you Lord. I’ve been calling on ya.

I told Mama Jean no. I felt the Lord tell me to say no. I did not like that because I want this for us all. And yeah it kind of dramatic. Life is a drama. And my Mamas are Divas, so I’m a Diva. Ain’t nothing wrong with a Diva, as long as they love God.

So I told her no. I told her it felt like a shot gun wedding. She got upset. We had words. I tried to explain how much this means to me. I want a great meeting for them. I want everyone to treat them both with honor and respect. Especially each other.

Mama Jean, came out later and I know her. She wants me to be happy and gets upset if she can’t make me happy. And she knows. That I am doing my best and Best does not seem to be enough for this task to be done and what is the hold up? I’m still trying to figure out why? And don’t tell me it’s what I say? How do you plan to change what I say unless you know why I say it?

I believe God, the universe is drawing us together for a purpose. And I want to be found obedient in working to do all I can to make it happen through me. Some people don’t know what my kind of honesty is. Well, move over. Ok. Blow away if you can’t take it, cuz I did. Like what? Lost my Mama at 2 days old. Had to live like it was nothing. I’m dont with that shit.

It fucking hurt like hell. And I loved this woman with my damn broken heart! Fuck your pity party man. I don’t run on pity, I run on faith. Faith that God is within me and doing his work, not my Mamas work. Cuz I’m grown and God’s got me now. And you jobs not done.

Cuz Mamas are supposed to love their Babies?? All of them. Even the bad one. Because the one that are bad are actually, really smart. And are bad cuz their board. But my kids don’t need to be Board.

We do this shit all day. But not to this level. Like I’m talking to the whole family and the world now. Oh shit. Ok lord. Whatever. I won’t think about that. I’m just doing what you told and showed me to do and say.

Yeah. I talk to God all day. I mean God really helps if you let him. And if you do what you hear. Of course. This is key. Load loads of scriptures inside you so God can use them to make sure your gps is on and updates. I have so much scripture in me. And when this stares to happen it was like the Lord was filling through them and spitting them out. I’m like. Ok Lord. Whatever. I don’t always understand and later, God shows me. It really is beautiful.

So. Back to the trip. This is a complicated story and there is so much I need to tell people to get the complete view that I had and have. And I want folks to see I work for a Good outcome even if it all sounds like trash talk.

Mama Jean came outside. And sat down. Which she does not do often. She’s a private person. I get that. And I’m not sure why our dynamic is like it is for sure? We mirror a lot. And I really work to help her see, and she helps me. And our DNA’s are quite different. And it amazing how strong the DNA is in us both. People think we just grow up like those that raise us, no, it’s a combo.

So. She sat down. I am asking for respect and Ive told her and now my Mama that I do not feel at my age, respected. She was harsh to me. Said things she regretted. She was triggered too. So I listened. She said, and I hope Mamas reading this, I think we should go now, I said we do not need to speaks the money, I wish to do this after the house sales, it’s what I’ve wanted and I wish for it to be enjoyed by all.

After we all get over ourselves. Sometimes I guess God needs a fool to use? A fool is just some foolish enough to try to do something they’ve never tried, so they can have a dream come true?

She said, you know, you may never get another time to have both your Mothers together on Mothers day again. Now I pay attention to words like this. And what God told me was write here to your Mama about what she said. Let her read and pray about it. God is leading me and Mamas 𝐅𝐫𝐞𝐞 will might cost her a blessing. I do not feel Mama Jean should have to go to Mama? Mama should come towards us.

I do feel Mama Jean would love to meet Mama. Angela is the ambassador of telling Mama about her good traits. I’ve squashed all fears. It’s like, you!, yeah. Don’t do that. She doesn’t like that. Hey, and you? Don’t do that, she don’t like that?

Like heres the new scripts story line.

Adopted daughter, dismantles old Adoption paradigm, debunks all myths that we forget our Mama, finds Mama, to find her Mama not even prepared for her return? Dealing with Adoptions lack of preparedness for reunions and having to clear up all misunderstandings of what really goes on when your adopted. She stands up to be counted and tells her tale so folks can learn the truth from her experiences.

She tells her Mamas in a blog. And no one believes it will work, but she does. Because she believes in them both. And that if they knew, at the time, they would have loved to be able to know more. Adoption in the 60’s was a very nicely package idea and yet not nicely planned.

It’s closer to, ditch the baby. Like ditch the freak no one likes. I love Mama Jean and have been grieved to my bones that folks think my truth has taken any of my love for her away? I care for her deeply and even she wonders why I stay around? I told her. Jesus. I practice the precepts. And I’m bonded to your soul now. And she bones to my family now.

And that counts for something. And should count for something from her to my family. She gave? Of what she could not get back. And I feel she deserves this?

I feel they both do. I want them each to come in with open eyes to each other. They act like some old hotties when it come to making their girls dreams come true? Most Moms are all over that shit? See? Oh Adoption you life sucking idiot who planned a disaster!

Thank God, god made me from these Woman. One provides the child and the other trained me with Adoptions paradigm, and how her Mama raised her. Now again? No one even factored my Dads DNA? I’ve probably, from Mamas reaction to me lately? Got A lot of my Dad in me? Well lovely? Is anyone happy? No?

That’s kind of my point? We all don’t act happy about this? Are we going to continue to ignore this and pretend like it’s not on our desk to deal with in a creative fun manor? Reunion? Party?

Mama could come down and meet and have some dinner and drinks? David can cook dinner? Would be so lovely to see Chelsie Lynn. Nana mentioned that and so did Angela. David? He’s a man, but I know she misses her. He just doesn’t like to go there. I feel like that all day long 24/7. Duh. She my girl.

But if the meet doesn’t happen near Mother’s Day it’s ok. I’m willing to wait. It’s been 55 years. So a little more won’t hurt if I have too. But I do feel a pull at my heart that I learned long ago from Mama, you never know how long you have with someone. Drink it in. Drink it up. I’ve missed both my Mamas. At different times. And I really want to see them together and for them to meet and have fun.

We can have a vacation later and everyone can come together and we all can forgive and do better. And get to know Mama Jean. She raised your sister. That’s cool. Who is she? I’ve told ya who’s she not. Cuz she and I worked it out. And she really does want this it she would not be wanting to spend her money to go all the way up so Angela can see Grama and Chelsie before she goes off to NC to spend some time with her step children. And everyone needs to hear about it.

Mama Jeans right. But Mama needs to pick up the check this time. Hate to have to tell ya like that? But, it’s time. Time is right I feel and we don’t want to waste it, ignore this window of opportunity.

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