You know?

It’s not easy telling on yourself. It’s not easy to tell to woman how trapped inside you felt growing up when all everyone wanted was? I guess for me to just play along. And I love to play, dont get me wrong. But there come a time when childish things must be laid to rest.

I’ve had a dream for a long time. And Ive been worried and scared that I would never have what I dream for. I care for everyone involved. Do I know everything? No. But I do trust my gut. And my gut tells me my Mamas need to meet.

Now from my vantage point it looks like everyone’s just dragging there heels. I’ve felt used, like a pawn in a game that moved around a board. And I really don’t enjoy that feeling. And I can tell what made me feel that way. And i feel that I had to validate myself on this. Cuz my Mama could see this internal dialog of mine.

We can tell me that I should have done this and that? Yes. But it after the fact. And Ive brought this mess to my Mamas, like all kids do, to help me fix. Living so divided is not enjoyable. And yet I feel all these issues had to be addressed so that my Mama could see that, my dreams should matter too in this triad.

They say Adoptions for the child. And I am testing that right now. If my Mama did this out of love for me? Then loving me like this should not be a problem. I do see my big sis has some issues understanding me. And that a blind spot that Adoption creates. It’s like a pattern that I work to break. I love my sister and it hurts me deeply when I have to see and hear her call me names and unwelcome.

I would like to say that I am being selfish. And so are all my family. And I am saying that I feel that my selfishness in the end will be our blessing. I mean I was raised to feel that I was so important to Mama Jean, why would I act like I don’t matter after being told this my whole life?

And I can imagine my sisters feel I am a cry baby. I would say to that, yes, my inner child has cried and mourned the lose of the woman you have been able to hold dear. I’ve never been able to ask for her help and felt emotionally supported in doing so. Why? There are many reason why. But I’m done with those reason, I’ve come out with my truth.

The thoughts and feelings I share her are my most intimate feelings. I’ve given them light and air to fly by daring to tell the truth to two woman I wish to continue to look up to. I wish to not have to feel I need to hide my Mama for fear of hurting my other Mama. It feel abusive to have to keep this all in and not even be able to tell my Mamas for fear of upsetting them, when I’ve been upset a long time about how this arrangement is.

And yet. I am here working to turn my own mind around in front of the world. I know there is a better way. And I want a level playin field now. Where all parties are aware and where all this shits cleared away for a new day to dawn on us all. I’ve been patiently waiting and now I am patiently and impatiently working to bring the change that can be the biggest blessing to these two woman.

I have dreamed of my Mamas as friends for years. And have felt if Mama Jean had known Mama should would have possibly understood me better. Maybe she wouldn’t have? But I feel when people know better, they do better. Knowledge is power. And Ive given my Mamas a lot of knowledge, about me.

I want them to act like friends and be friends. Because in my mind they are friends. And I’m standing up and now saying to them, it’s time to act like it for real. Don’t tell me you love me, is how I feel, if you can’t even meet each other after all these years of reunion.

I’ve shown you all my triggers so that my family can see them. I’ve shown a lot of Mamas triggers and that I am aware of them. And that I came to clear those triggers away. It’s takes three to do that. It’s has taken me to forge this bridge. It’s taken my truth to be blurted out to shock these woman awake to something that they have not noticed. Me.

And I am so ready, Ive cleaned my own clock. And Ive made room for a whole knew truth. I’ve got so much room now for my family to fit in, cuz I cast my old truth out. I don’t want to stay like this. No. But I do see it takes three, and more to make this happen. And I do see that this will bring about a new phase for us that will be better.

I feel we all care. I feel that we all work to figure out how to show our care. I know this is difficult. And I have crossed lines many have rathered I did not. But I do have a damn good reason. Nothing can stand in the way of progress. Not even me and especially not my old truths. They need to go and hopefully I will give many people the strength to come clean and to trust their gut instincts give at birth from our birth Mamas to do this going back home thing.

I desire for this meeting to go well. And that all this crap be left out of it. But I don’t get to control that. My Mamas meeting will be their meeting. I’ve done my part to level this field. No ones better, just different. I had an adoptee tell me to get the hell away from my Adopted Mama the other day. She told me she was sucking me dry. That she was abusive and selfish?

And like I am, I listened. But in the end, I must follow my own heart, not hers. I could see where she came from and could easily at this point, agree and just reject them both and move far away and start again. I mean if stories are to be made up? Like this? I could just go and make a whole new one? Right? But what would that really help?

I’ve got to turn my bad reputation around. My own daughter is blind to her own anger towards me and she hides from me, or blocks me? How is this helpful? Unforgiveness is rampant. If I held onto all the dumb things my family has said to me out of ignorance, and and chose not to forgive it time and time again, where would Christ be in this?

God is calling this unit higher. Through me. The lord gave me Matt 10:20 last night.

for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.

This chapters tells about standing up for Christ. And speaking what God tells you. Which for me was to tell on myself.

And it talks about people hating you for Christ sake. I am a Christian and have felt scrutinized by my own family. At least my sisters have not done what it says in 10:22. And I do understand God’s ways are not like my ways. I, would just move away. That’s what I would do. I would avoid this. I would just push it away and deny myself a blessing is what God has shown me. Yes. My family hates me for doing this. And God lead me to do this. And God is using this for God’s glory. I don’t know how? But God will make this into something amazing. I’m sure if it. I’ve had to trust God through this and have felt quite alone. And it been hard feeling misunderstood and to not have my own babies, all of them, on board with me. My Youngest wanted me to just stuff it I guess? I’ll tell her this. You can run? But you can’t hide when God calls you to speak your truth you obey. And I am ready for yours dear one. As ready as I can be. But Mamas working on making this better and there is a lot you can’t see that I can in my special vantage point. Just know this sweetie. I love you this much, to crucify my flesh on the cross on this blog is how much I love and want more for you. I know. It sound stupid to you. And that’s ok. Because you’ll see soon how this madness, how this shit, manure, will make our garden grow like no other in time. Trust that dear one. I may look crazy right now, but you will see God do a miracle through this. Because God works in truth and faith. And I have faith God will right this for us all. I have faith that this is a win win for us all.

It’s time we practice what has been preached to us and love one another and not be like heathens with no knowledge of higher law, of love and forgiveness. I’ve forgiven each day. And the next day? I forgive again and confess my sins here.

This blog is not the point. My family is the point. My Mamas is the point. All this is for history and research to study while we move on and embrace on another and live our best life yet. With all this out. We now can.

It’s not easy being an Adoptee. It’s even harder to be a Mama to Children you kept. And Ive done my best. And I apologize for all my blind spots. It’s very hard to see yourself and realize your blind spots without help. So I helped myself and told all I had to show you my blind spots. I apologize for failing you. Like my Mamas, it was not my desire to do that. Please know this children of mine.

This is me getting better. Please trust that all change takes time and adjustments. And it’s been a long haul. The finish line is close.

I’ve faced my demons here. In front of you to lead you and give you strength to face your own. If I can. So can you. I apologize for being blind and not even knowing it. I need your turn to help me see. I apologize for hurting you. I was so very wounded myself. I apologize for letting you down. I apologize for not being the Mama you needed either. Please forgive me.

Lord. I give this blog again, Into your loving hands to do what you will with it to bring change to children all over this planet. May my truth help make the lives of children better by shedding much needed truth to show folks what they do and can do better.

Amen.

Thanks for diving deep with today.

And truly. May the lord bless you and keep you. May he make his face to shine upon you. Xo

God bless.

for the fam- Mama Jeans ready to come visit this week. I will send a note in the mail. I would appreciate a call about this. We can not fail this mission. I will not be happy if Mama Jean is disrespected in this manor. And we ALL need to get over ourselves. The time of reckoning has come. And I don’t want to fail God in this task. Let us not fail Mama. And help her feel good about it. I’ve done my work here to help by getting all the shit out so folks can see clearer why this is part of our journey. Please. Let’s lay these things to rest and make this meeting a good thing. These woman deserve this. If I can forgive. So can you.

A storm comes to clear away things. Chaos is golden after the storm has past. New growth comes and our roots dig in from the wind and rain. Let us not faint in our well doing now. We are about to see glory.

When god gives you a dream. Trust it and follow. This dream is our destiny. Let’s us put on the dog and show the world how it’s really done. Let’s let our lights shine as we show people how to reunite and bring praise to Gods name as we do.

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