I don’t think people

I sit and drink my coffee. And I don’t think folks know, or comprehend what it’s like to grow up and not talk about your Mom and about your family and who everyone is and how they act, and to learn, about yourself. And who you come from. I do t think people realize how much you feel like an ameba that crawled out of the black lagoon. How dismisses you feel that no one even gets that you have questions.

If Adoption was a airline company? They’re be out of business by now. The service sucks. And there are not retirement plans for those of us that reacted to this change of local. I did not adjust like adoption said I would. It really wasn’t up to my mind to tell me a story. It was up to my body that did not like Mama being taken from me. It was very hard on all of me. Adjustment is what I work on now.

This is the o my thing to make it better. Tell the truth so folks can see. So we can do better by children in our future. I wanted to be the best Mama ever. But I wasn’t. So much was left out for me. My kids are honest and tell me I sucker. Guess I did and yet did not realize it. I mean who helped me and go through? No one. But me cares about me being better.

I now communicate the difficulty of coming home after living in a way that you don’t talk about your Mama to be respectful of the one who Adopted you, but you still, strongly, want to know and get the opportunity to talk, finally, about your Mama you came from. It’s traumatic to be denied this vital information about yourself. It’s cruel and I have paid for my Dads actions towards my Mama. I paid for his bad behavior. I paid by having to go away, and be labeled a mistake by my own Mama.

It’s only natural that when we get home and finally have the Chance to ask, that it’s quite difficult. One because she really doesn’t want to go there now, because she used to forgetting. It’s a major hurtle as I see it that must be explained. And that all parties must jump over for success. Talk about reverse osmosis.

When you make it home, there is work. Especially if your Mama was lead to believe that her part is over and she won’t have to perform in your life play again. That is where it got off for me. My Mama was not prepared for my return. And I think she prayed for a crop failure on me wanting to search.

It’s wild. This ride of reunion and homecoming. Like I see it, and feel it, it feel like comin home from some war and no ones expecting you. No parade, your

Covered Im shame. There are no awards for Adoptees and their accomplishments. No oscars. No honor. Only your Mama shame waiting at the door, guarding her from you. It’s hurtful to us for not being prepared for that kind of reception after we have been raised and grown, and that adoption somehow washed the road out, made things hard for me and my family. Adoption give people they idea that family members can be erased? Like does God so that?

I know my family did not consider or was not even prepared for my kind of passionate entrance. I was excited at finally having the chance to get the answers that have been swirling around in my head my whole life. And I met up with a Mama that did not want to talk. Go figure. Why me?

But I guess, why not me? I’m sure I’m not the only one. And if I have had this kind of trouble, I’m sure others will too. And we need to take a look at that. Adoption needs to look at this and prepare folks for the inevitable going home.

I at least am not giving up and am working hard to update people as to my life experiences, to show how I got to the place I am in my head so my family can understand. I feel handicapped in many ways as I do this because I am having to carve out a way where Adoption provides no way. So I’m making mistake that other Adoptees can learn from.

I’m just being a Capricorn and getting shit done. And my family is working and not working on learning about me. I work. And I feel alone as they deny and ignore. Which is not healthy at all. And my observations have been met with blocking and dismay.

I shutter to think if I did not push us on where we would be? I must trust that in the end, after all is said and done, they will understand why I am not letting this go, not letting Mama go.

Mama is my first Mama now. She gave her Throne to another. And I was raised by a woman Mama doesn’t think she knows. But I’m preparing her, I am doing what Adoption did not help her do. Which is to truly get over this and make something beautiful of this mess of a reunion.

I don’t think Mama prepared for me to be so bold and forthright. I don’t think Mama thought I would have such strong feelings. I think she thought I was gonna be like my Daddy if I am gonna tell it like I see it? And that needs to be cleared up if she’s ever gonna meet Mama Jean and get to know me?

The woman Mama looks at was raised by another, she faces her now in me. And I see Mama trying to figure me out and it’s not making sense. Mama Jeans in me now. Your dealing with her in me now. That’s how it works. Mama Jean took what you gave and did her best with me. We can’t damn her for not knowing now can we?

I know the work I do is for my Mamas. Because I want them to meet and am preparing them. I work on them both, to help them understand and so they can have a good first meet. I feel the resistance.

And my blogging is not to tear anyone down per say, but to strip away what doesn’t not serve us so we can merge at long last as the unit we now are. Mama did not realize that her girl would see it like I do. That I feel my Mamas should meet says a lot about them together.

It’s says that they did ok with what was giving, but that I took it further. Adoption didn’t plan for this. I’m hitting this one out of the park for a home run. I want folks who are searching to see the pitfalls and mountains so they too can prepare. And my story can help them do just that. Better than me.

I’m blasting a trail home. I’m blowing up the weeds of thought between us and working to help my family desensitize themselves about things. We must toughen up about what we thought was and what is. I’m getting tougher. And I’m getting over them not even knowing a thing about the Adoptees side.

When my Mamas meet, I will be done with the process and on to the next. Assimilation. And I want them to succeed at this last phase of our journey. I am taking the hit so my Mamas will have a blessed first meet. I’ve done the hard things.

And of course. There is free will, so my family can just keep Pushing me away, but does that really help? Does it really make us look good?

Listen. Nobody likes not being prepared anymore than me! Except probably my Mama. So I have to fix this cuz she simply can’t. I’m the one who knows both these woman. And I want their meet to go well. It’s the closure we all need to lay this to rest respectfully, for this is a sacred journey back to my home land. I want Mama Jean to feel safe and accepted. I want all the gossip out of the way first. I want all the garbage out of the way first.

It’s important to face all of this now. So we have a clear view of the road ahead. I feel that I have worked to use my for-thought to cover as much as I can see and God shows me what to write about to make all parties aware. I’m mediating for Mama Jean and Mama, but for us all. It’s time.

I’m talkin to them both. And by the way. I’m getting training too. My children here are helping me work out my shit. So no ones getting a break. I’m working too. So we can succeed at this. I’m done with this messed up reunion bullshit. I’m gonna do better. I just have to follow the leader and speak my truth to help folks see.

I don’t think my family sees yet fully what I am doing for us all? But they will. And afterward? We will be a stronger family for it as we learn tolerance for each other. As my Mamas realize they sit on the throne of my heart equally. Let me just say, that is not an easy feat at all.

I have grown up staying true to who I am. I’ve had to show Mama Jean the boundaries of me. And she had to learn that Mamas a constant. She can not be subtracted. She’s always been in our equation? But I showed mama Jean respect that I was not even afforded, I was never encouraged to talk about her much. I think back them, the phrase was, “let sleeping dogs lie”. Not a good idea. Just saying. Pro activity is way better. I brought Mama up when I was young and wanted to know about myself and my roots beyond my new family. I was like 15. Then when I was 18, and I realized Mama was thinking of me on my birthday.

And now. Nonstop. Because I feel I never should have had to keep Mama a secret? I mean they both were grown woman at the time? They do know where I Came from. So, it hurt me that I didn’t not get to converse about my roots. It hurt me developmentally to have this gaping whole in my identity and Mama Jean suffered with me.

But the deed was done. She could not just call Mama up when she had a question. Her road was cut off too. And she did the best she could. Honestly. She did. And it was hard for her to figure me out. Hell it was hard for me with no help? Mama Jean does not believe in therapist. But I know she believes in me.

So. I’m therapying us all. There is little out in the world along the lines of Adoption reunion therapists out there. I guess therapist needed me to tap them on their frontal lobe as if to wake up their for-thought. Get ready therapist!! Get ready! Wake up darlings? And read will ya? Yeah. Read some books about us. You need it.

This wound needed some intense surgery along with aerating the wound. Wound meaning lack of knowledge. Mama could go on like she was with me, but come one that sucks. She’s just to mental of a person to let this shit go. She does want to know. And she does want to do better. She’s just so limited in her knowledge of myself and Mama Jean? So. I’m Helping.

She must think I am just talking smack over her all day? No. I am pointin at some huge wholes in our minds that we all need to patch, not just me. We all need to do this for Mama and Mama Jean. And we all need to realize that this is going to happen and we do have a part in making it go as bests we can. I want this for them as well as me. Hell, if Mama ain’t happy? You know how it goes. Not good and the pressures on for me. I have to come through for them both. With little help from my kids who could help? But. Oh well. I’ll do it myself.

I mean I am in the middle of these woman like a child of divorce would be. Mama divorced me in the 60’s. And after a long life in my timeout with her, I’ve had plenty of time to think long a hard about what it can look like for us now that I am home.

Yes. I am raising a stink about this. And I am driving this train home. With my truth. You want peace? Let me all the way in and stop worrying about Huey already for god sake. I think he’s why I don’t stay married. I just can’t take a man staying the same and thinking they can walk on me like my Mama got walked on.

Oh hell no! The men I marry, got to learn and grow and be better. And if they want to be lazy? Well, hit the road buddy. As far as Im concerned? They can move along. I know what I am worth. I have two families and Mamas who cares for me the best way possible. And a whole lot of paperwork was signed to make sure I had my best life. And I know how much God loves me and I’m Not scared to want better if some mans a lazy dumb head. How is God serves to leave a man like that? I have standards. One? I’m not gonna be like my Mamas like that. I’ll take it so long and then? Go.

Who knew? I would not agree? That in the end, I would want Mama back anyway? But. There ya go. That’s me. I deserve them in my life. I’ve worked hard to do my best with so much missing. Mama needs to get up to bat with me. I am a handful. Mama Jean can fill Mama in on that after they meet and then? See what happens. I mean I am outing my own self here?

When my Mamas get together? Well. They will do better. They both need each other to lean on or talk to, maybe laugh with? I want better for ya and I am not afraid to just get in There and scrub shit and get dirty. Oh. I know. My Mamas thought the rugs in there houses that they brushes all this under was covering it all, but, it was not. It was just in the middle of us all causing allergies. Dust. Old. Gotta go!

I refuse to have ignorant folks about me all day and I don’t like being ignorant myself. Even if my Mamas truth has made me cry. It’s all about healing for me. And it better to get the cold truth out on the table then letting it stick you in the ass later.

The day I realized, I mean it hit me like a ton of bricks in my heart, that Mama did not even think about me after we parted except every now and again I guess. When i realized and she, that I had been pining for her for years while she just happily went along life’s way. I cried so hard that day. Like I said. I didn’t cry much growing up and stuffed my feeling which is not healthy at all. So when the water works came on for me, I was not really happy about it. Nor was my family. I seemed like a broken faucet that was possessed and kept coming on and off, as the water flowed. And the ripple affect became clear to me. Being Adopted fucked with my mind. And my body too.

Adoption trauma for me had a hang time. It hung for 50 years and then? The reaction hit me like a ton of bricks. “She did not even think of me?”, I thought as it washes over me. Both my Mamas were brainwashed into believing and did believe it, hook line and sinker, that I was happy with this arrangement.

How do you prepare your case knowing that fact? I’ve been dreading this too. Your not alone Mamas.

Like my Mama’s thinking I was at some church camp for God and was doing so well and that I don’t even think about her. Which was way wrong. I never cried like I did that day, mama told me her truth. I coiled up on the floor of the bathroom and sobbed for us. I’m sure she felt like a heel too having to inform me of that fact.

I don’t think our Families realize how much we missed them. And we are not treated better. Per say. We are treated like the people we are adopted by. We are raised like their parents raised them. And they don’t know where we came from or about our family dynamics and biological mannerisms. I felt out of place and was out of place by Gods standards. I felt it. I felt it deeply.

It’s weird to explain. And I am working on that here. I’m writing out my worst draft. I’ve showing you inside the process.

It’s kind of cracks me up and not, that my family treats me like a weirdo and expects me to act like them when I was not raised with them? And it really weird that my sisters didn’t take me under the wings when I returned? Especially my sister Liz? She was very stand offish with me. And I get it. I represent her past too. And freaked her the fuck out when I first came home. Cuz I called her first. And I

Cuz Liz would need help with her reunion. And she sure doesn’t need it looking like this getto ass shit show? I know God planned it that way. She deserves better and I’m gonna make sure she gets it, if she wants it. I’m an insider. I’m her very one sister who’s ready to make Aires she ready as she can be for whatever.

But I certainly love my sister enough to not allow her to keep trucking Like Mama when clearly I a forerunner for her own reunion. And that I have an Inside view and can help her better navigate than Mama did. Mama had no one to help her navigate but me. Truth.

I don’t know if my family realizes that I have way more of them to learn than they of me? Like 10+ people to get to know and kids and spouses. Now. Cats dogs. Birds too. And so I wrote cards and letters after I first reunited to get the process going and my sisters just dropped the ball. Hell they don’t even get the game. And I’m not versed on siblings and rivalry. But I’m learning the supposed pecking order. And just so you know? I was a bitter. You can thank Mama for saving you from that! I grew out of that stage. But don’t push me! Lol. Sick humor.

I’m kind of glad I was older coming home to this family. I think they may have killed me. Thanks Mama for letting me grow up oblivious to siblings shit until I was older. Thank god I was placed in daycare or I wouldn’t have know a thing about how to handle siblings shit.

It really ain’t funny to be raised an only child to find out you’ve got 10+siblings between your parents and lots of homework and meet and greets to build trust.

I see where my sisters get the attitude towards me. Mama. That’s why I went after her first. You got to turn the ring leader around if you want to get to the troops! My family matters that much.

They know how Mama is. They though I did not. And I am taking the heat and tackling this mess in front of the world because I think folks should see what it really looks like to be adopted at all phases. And this phase is key and is overlooked. Sadly. The lights are all on and no ones home is how it seems for us all.

No, Mama does not like this? Yes she’s thrown her anger on me, and I threw mine back at her. Isn’t that what families do that are healthy? They talk and work to make it better? And we all have homework now. So adoptions kind of pushed us backwards. So. What was the point again?

Now I’m home. That’s the point And I have company. And I’m frustrated and embarrassed that my family seems so backwards and can’t see I have-a guest of honor for them to meet. She’s trying to be patient and I feel ashamed. For us all.

Especially for my kids. Who know better than to be this lazy. What the hell Is Chelsie doing? Oh. She doing herself? Well. Isn’t that nice. Family’s stick together! And I’m a tying what Adoption tore apart.

Excuse me for not having a syllabus typed a ready for everyone. I had to pray and ask God for the updated version. And thankfully god downloaded it slowly so I didn’t bust a brain cell doing this task.

This is what I was working on. And there’s more. I had a plan for us. But you guys are mean and rude to me. And I don’t do well with that at all. I don’t put up with this shit very well. And I’m triggered as hell having to go here with you all. And it’s triggered Mama. And now you see how great adoption was to me.

I grew up with PTSD And no one even knew the words meaning? I just got treated like a freak. Thanks Adoption.

I navigated this Bering straight. But it’s not easy. Think twice about Adoption. Rehoming children is the sign of poor preparation and an agencies pour process of choosing a proper parent. I feel Hod does better than Adoption and that we need to stop acting like we know better than God.

I’m Sharing my story so we can look at our stories and formulate a better way.

Thank you for diving deep with me today.

God bless.

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