Like when?

I sit and wonder as my head swirls about Mama. It’s abusive what’s she’s doing to me, denying me. I do feel denied her comfort and care. And her prayers and her connection to God. Mama Jean does not pray or read God’s word. The churches here don’t satisfy me. The churches in Tennessee were the best I had found and have not found a place to worship in years and have looked. I need more. I need deeper teachings. I need Mama.

Like, God’s scrubbing me hard. And I need my connection with my Mama to be healthier. And I’m using all I have learned to help myself change what I struggle to see that needs changing? If that makes sense? It’s seems like I’ve had many blind spots in my perceptions.

I did not feel loved growing up by my Adopted Parents. I was told that was wrong to feel. So I learned to get used it and called it love. Which set me up to attacked abusers. A dear Adopted friend pontes our to me today my codependent behavior and excuses towards a woman who is mean to me constantly. It’s all I’ve known?

And Ive come on here and shown Mama my weaknesses in hopes she could assist and step up to the job that obviously is not done and help me make them strength? I worked to do this with my kids and feel she the candidate. Like she’s my Mama? Surely she can assist?

I am 55 and am very ready to move on from this toxic relationship that has now spilled over into my Mama and my relationship. I’m posited by what was called love and lied to myself so long I believe it. And my Mama is encouraging me to stay in this toxic relationship? She does realize?

I want to do better than this? But this is where I am? Is the God you serve powerful enough to help me through you now? Are you ready yet? I don’t want to be turned away again? Yeah. I am begging. I see that. It’s pathetic. But this is where I am.

And Ive prayed to God. I feel he told me you were the one I needed. If not? Well? Who else do I have? Did God tell you to never help me and be my Mama again? Am I now an island? Alone? Would not god want me to come under my spiritual headship if I was in a storm? I’m done. I don’t know why? God keeps telling me to ask you? Maybe God’s wanting you to tell me? I don’t know? That’s what I am getting when I pray. “Keep knocking” I hear.

I’m not good at asking for help. No. I suck. I’ve told you why I suck at communicating and I need a good strong Mama to be around to strengthen me. Snap me out of this. I’m so willing. I’m just real raw right now and exposed. I’m showing you my shit. Like how I’m thinking so you can set me straight where I am blind.

Your the best counselor Mama. You know the mighty counselor. I pick you. I pick you. Is that pathetic? I mean children love their parents and I love you? I’m confused. I’ve been told a lot of wrong things about you and have had to fight these for years. But I’m not telling you that to be sorry for me? Do you trays the other girls like this when they ask for help? And when have I really asked you, point blank for help? Ever?

Why do I feel like I must defend my desire to get to know my own Mama? Where is that feeling coming from? I really want to feel like I could ask her anything, and she would want to help? Why do I feel like my family thinks I came home for money? I’ve had money? But I haven’t had Mama?

I’m kind of over this. I guess this is how it is? And I must accept that Mama is not an option for me, she will help my children? But not me. And that hurts like hell. But I need to accept that my own Mama is no better than my Adopted Mama and I was wrong.

I want to see the good in Mama. But she’s blocked me, she’s got no time for me, and she’s doesn’t seem to care like I thought she would for me? Ok. I just read that. I need to swallow it now. And move along. It’s time to just move on from both of these woman. I do not need either of their energies.

That’s not really what I wanted. But I have never gotten what I wanted. Which was my Mama and family back for them to love me. To be a part of a family that could accept me like this? And help me be better. And I’ll find a family to do that. I just have to accept that it won’t be my bio family.

And so I learn about life. I’ve got to find my tribe. Mama doesn’t seem to have room in hers for her own daughter. I mean to write it out as it is? She’s to angry with me to love me? She’s to upset because I hurt her feelings? Even though she hurt mine when I would not even Alert her she did. Still can’t. She’s to busy?

So sad. I mourn. Hope. And a dream. I have held onto forever. Lord. Please help me move on. Help me let Go of Mama skirt tail. I’m to old now to go back. Send me people who can help me move on and heal. Amen.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s