I’ve been this way so long, I got used to longing for Mama each time my Adoptive Mama was mean to me and said cruel things. Mama was my bulldog within. And I prayed and talked to her about Mama Jean. Mama Jeans not sorry for hurting me and she hurts me each day. And my children let her.
She own me. I read that today on Facebook from a friends post to me. Harsh words. But true. I am a slave. How I got here? That’s what I am working out on this blog. And I want people to see me here trying to heal or whatever this is? So, we can see where my life has gone and goes from exposing a wound so it can heal.
No. I don’t know what I am doing? But I am learning a lot about myself. And learning about my limitations and beliefs that limit me. I want change for myself. I will never forget this. It’s was to deep a cut into me to forget. That’s what I am showing you? The scare is huge. It’s cuts into my identity, my body, my whole being. My spirit has felt this deeply.
I have felt crucified by my own world. And left out to hang and I smell like a walking dead woman to my own Mama now. I feel many times she wishes I was dead right now. I’m trying to kill this part of myself. I wanted her to help me. Most Mama want there kids to succeed? And help them? I did? And then I didn’t. And my kids felt it.
And I guess they got a taste of what I felt like with my Mama? I did not plan it that way? But just stopped giving a shit. Cuz my math was wrong. My Mama wasn’t gonna care for me like I care for me unless she loved herself enough to be able to? She can’t? It’s just not I her?
So now I know. My Mamas not for me? Ok. Moving along. And now I need to another myself. Like my kids showing me. Except she did get help from my Mama? Why does that bother me? Because it seems unfair? Lopsided? Maybe bias? And I wonder why?
Oh. Because came on here? Because I was trying to say I wanted her help after so many years and I was showing her why? Well, she did want to know what was the matter with me? Now she knows. If she can turn away from me now? Well? That’s that. I’m all out of energy to keep calling out.
Lord. Show me. Help me do what I must do now. Amen.
We all have our cross to carry. I’m nailed to mine. I need a blacksmith to get out of this one?