Who are these faces linked to voices
That told me with words and yet not
That this was loves idea.
So, I played and went fishing
They told me my Mama loves me
And that’s why she gave me away
When I came home
She did not appear to have gotten the memo
I realized the memo was not written
Because it was a memo that needed to be delivered to her by me
No one at the time of my birth asked me what I felt about this arrangement where I condoned a divorce so young from my own Mama?
Evidently it was written in the stars for me to be raised by strangers before my birth. It appears I much ride the glory train to its end, adopted, and yet home, without Mama still? Yet in my heart always? It seems like such a tragic end of an exciting story line? And surly is not my first choice at all.
They told me it was love. Mama gave me away for love sake? Why? Was I not safe to be loved by her? Why did she need help with me? Why why why? So many unanswered questions about Mama. I’d love to lay that to rest. But I feel like I earned it by living like this and praying to find home and doing that.
I feel some respect need to be extended to me. Yes. For giving a shit why my Mama Chose this. We certainly my can’t argue with why? Once she gets it out and lays it to rest. But she’s got a reason maybe she doesn’t think I can handle it?
Is that it?
I am no quitter.
Your hearts where I am going too. Towards healing. In all of healing forms. I do not confine God to a certain way of healing, I allow god to flow through me to heal as God wills.
I type my prayers and musing here as I work it out before you and show my process of internal restitution, of which children who are relinquished become trapped without. Our roots are cut way to early. Like wow. We don’t do dogs like that? Plants like that? We do do cows like that.
Why does it not feel like love right now for me and Mama? Because the whole Experiment was off. Like get past the boo hoo of missing a shot. Look at nature. It’s right in front of us. Yet we are so oiled to move as this other machine that’s co flirting with tomorrow. Tomorrow’s children will not be thrown around like lab rats for the testing.
Our bond to our Mamas is strong and we’ve been gone long enough for thousands test. For me? I’ve got a lot of data to go through as to what this taught me. I plan on sharing my findings along with my sisters and brother now in adoptions arena for the final round.
I win in the end. I found my Mama with Gods help and no other. To my ultimate creator be the glory for that feat. That few knew I trained to do. Few saw my passion. Few saw my drive as more than anything but lunacy. Few saw my genius in trusting God alone.
But I figured.
If mama could trust God to get us into this, then I had to trust God to get us out of this. And to pray for a win win. Jesus would want everyone to win. Wwjd.
People told me a lot. But I can still read my Mamas face. Ok? I can look into her eyes and feel what it feels to look at who you were made from and to love what you see. Oh yeah. I even like her. A lot. Enough to force an issue this deep. Yeah force it to the surface so it can just release.
Mamas gonna be thanking God the rest of her life for me. I’ve made an honest woman out ya, mama. Cuz Daddy couldn’t, or so they said. But I can do it now by birth right.
Your the one who decides if I crazy? Which can reflect on you also being a bit crazy too. Genius’s are often labeled crazy. I guess you saved me from that label? See? More blessing just bubbling up now that it’s opened up.
Own what was made from you. I’ve always been from you and we can’t change that. There is no going back to life without me. So let’s make this fun. And stop catastrophising about it. This is the best part and best way.
I’ve done most of the work already by helping you desensitize to the shock of certain phrases. Myself as well. Dealing with the fact that you all just did not know was shocking to say the least. But it’s not all lost. We can strengthen that lack.
I am ready to strengthen my areas of lack as well in myself as well. And working with a so called trained psychologist is just very impractical. We need more bang for our buck than talking to strangers about what to do with our family.
We need to talk to each other about each other until we understand.
I am fighting mental health stigma right now. By writing here and opening the channel for truth and transparency. For safety to be human without a Label. To be hurt and yet working on mending, not in private, in a file, or a room with someone I have to pay to hear my story to help me work it out? Who’s not paid enough to even untangle themselves let alone me?
I most times did better at counseling then. And that just seems backwards to me. Genius’s come to find a new way, that no one else has considered. That’s me. No one considered I would go home and now the bridge is already built.
The way is written on the hearts of the children in how to go home. It’s a natural thing. And I show this fact with my own life and own Mama because I know she rough enough to take this hit. She’s weathered life storms without me long enough.
And the holy spirits breaths is at my back. The wind is in my favor. I be- Linda.
They told me a lot. But I’ll see about that.