The Eyes Of An Adoptee

The Eyes Of An Adoptee

Aerial K. ~25~ Adoptee ~Advocate of Adoptee voices and the Adoption Triad.~

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Plot Twist: An Adoptee’s Perspective

I learned that my birth mother didn’t abandon me, my twin brother, my older sister or her niece and nephews her sister P. did. My late Aunt P. ( I didn’t get a chance to meet her) left all five of us with a lady that was a drunk. The story goes my birth mother came into social services raising all types of hell to get us back. However she was deemed unfit because of a variety of things.

When I was younger… before I found out I was adopted I always thought that my adoption was a mistake. Like “ This was not suppose to happen” or “ Something must have went terribly wrong.”  This new piece of information kind of stopped me in my tracks. I never blamed my birth mother for anything but I the feelings of loss, grief and abandonment are heavy burdens that I carry. I immediately felt like I need to take a step back from what I “ thought I knew” and “ what I do know” and really focus on getting the story straight and finding out who my biological father actually is.

People ask me : “ Why do you want to know? That is in the past.” I give these people the benefit of the doubt,  They don’t know. They wouldn’t understand and they probably would not even try. Do you want to know why I want to know? Because  I deserve to know! I have the right to know! I am surrounded by biological family so somebody is gonna tell me something!!

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The right to process. A friend tweeted and I support her.

The Right to Process

December 31, 2017

The right to feel is inherent. The right to feel how you feel and use your own terms to state it is a given. Unless you’re adopted, of course.

If you’re adopted, all involved parties are aggressively eager to inform you of how you feel, when you feel it, and how you’re allowed to say it, all the while diminishing the reality of your feelings by interjecting the comparative importance of their own.

For instance. The adopter. “I love you! I’m bonded with you! You love me too! You’re bonded to me too! You’re grateful for the better life I’m providing for you! Look how nice your things are! Could your horrible junkie parents give you such nice things?”

In the meantime the Adoptee is wearing her nice clothes and wetting her nice bed because of the nightmares, and by eight years old is already wondering what it’s like to be dead.

I could give you examples of how relinquishers, gentle adopters, industry flunkies, and even our own fellow Adoptees, those who claim the mantle of “happy” and “grateful”, try to reprogram us into the shell they want us in. “Use the words that make US comfortable. Have the feelings WE are comfortable with you having. And NEVER FORGET that kept children have problems too, relinquisher pain is more intense and debilitating than adoptee pain, and #NOTALL.” If you forget any of these “facts”, you will be brusquely corrected (and that is putting it mildly).

The fact is, the only opinions adoptees are allowed to have are everyone else’s. If we don’t condone adoption we’re crazy and uneducated. If we don’t sympathize with relinquishers we’re mean, angry, cruel, and like to “torment broken mothers”. If we don’t agree with “happy” cribmates that adoption is wonderful and saved us, we “just had a bad experience”. Very rarely are enlightened adoptee perspectives lifted up and listened to the way “happy” adoptee perspectives are.

Very seldomly is our pain able to be recognized and validated. Very seldomly is our healing process able to be respected. This generally only happens in private rooms and little “safe zones” we carve out for ourselves, and even then we aren’t safe. We will still be betrayed by cribmates panting for relinquisher approval. Little dark rooms, whispering behind our hands, keeping our pain small and silent so it doesn’t get us brutally attacked and reviled by the ones whose opinions we are supposed to bear. The ones whose feelings we are supposed to feel… The ones who ACTUALLY COUNT. The adopters. The relinquishers. The “happy” adoptees.

I’m not allowed to feel how I feel. I’m definitely not allowed to talk about it. I’m not supposed to use the words I choose to describe my feelings. Because my feelings, and the words I use to describe them, make others angry and uncomfortable. I’m not allowed to heal how I need to heal. I am supposed to subscribe to the prescribed methods of the interested parties. If I heal my own way, if I use my own words, they might have to consider. If I tell the truth, it might expose a lie.

It’s too hard to look at, my truth. My truth SUCKS. Too bad. You have to look at it anyway. I can’t live the comfortable lie. Why should the perpetrators of adoption sit in their self-appointed seats of superiority and dictate to a victim of their crimes how, when, where, and what we’re allowed to feel, what we’re allowed to say about it, and how we’re supposed to be so kind and compassionate toward them through it all.

Frankly, how dare you even try to suppose how I should feel? The legs of the so-called “triad” that stand on the backs of adoptees know what life is like without adoption in it. They DON’T know what it’s like to lose your entire world and have it replaced with a fake one. Before you can talk. Before your modes of communication can be properly translated. How dare they suppose to have a single bloody clue what it’s like to grow up with a stranger for a mother?

You don’t get to tell us ANYTHING.

YOU DON’T KNOW. YOU CAN’T KNOW. AND ALL THE EMPATHY IN THE WORLD WON’T TEACH YOU.

Sit down. Shut up. Let me process my shit hole of a life my way. (A shit hole it would not be, might I add, if I had not been relinquished and adopted.)

http://theungratefuladoptee.blogspot.com/2017/12/the-right-to-process.html?spref=tw&m=1

What’s going on? I’ll tell ya some more. It’s complicated or detailed. I’m adopted

Above is a tarot reading for Capricorn. And it’s spot on. Rest, change and all of it. And I am confronting my Mamas demons. Evidently? And it has dawned on me, a while ago, that’s she thought at one time, that I was one of her demons. Not a nice thought to be hanging out in such a good woman. Nope. Not good. God tells us to guard our minds. Yes. God taught me that.

And I have been vigilant to guard my mind my whole life. I have poured the word and poured over the word since I came to knowing Jesus. Jesus has taught me much about living like him. My Mama gave birth to one of the strongest preachers to be trained by the most high alone. God’s been talking to me my whole life. But God did not shield me from the worlds poured upon me.

Being Adopted drove me to God. Again and again. Because I was lost without Mama. Lost. She lost me. She lost herself. She lost part of her precious soul. She’s about to get it back. Faith is the substance of what I speak of and the evidence of what Mama can’t seem to see? How ya like that paraphrase Mama? Hmm? Not bad.

God word is alive in me. And has identified the demons that are between us. I am not demon. I am an angel sent to you my dear woman, to battle the demons that lead you astray from your duty. I hold the keys and extend them back to you of your power. For this day. To honor the one I came from as God has taught me from conception. I know my places. And you are one of them.

I bow in respect to you as my Mama. I will not bow to any idea that separates us ever again. Now, with that said. Get your clothes. Get your dog. Tell Vicki to feed the kitties and whatever. And drive that beautiful self if you down to my place. You know where I am. Bring Chelsie Lynn. I’m done. Let’s move on. I am home to stay. Are you done with this yet?

Do can not hold onto a wound that has now had its medicine. Love is the highest purest medicine. And I have administered it to us. We are free to be what we ultimately are, mother and daughter now reunited and wholly joined with God’s night blessing. God is with us. There is nothing to fear any longer. It’s all going to work out fine. I’m here. And I get it. Your always safe with me, in my heart has always been a place for you.

We have been stuck in a way. Stuck being an old way. And Ive been mirroring it to you and you mirror to me. It’s so natural and beautiful how DNA is in family. Such a blessing to behold after feeling denied your own Mamas face to see. And to finally look at her, and see those things in you is a miracle. God blessed me so much when I got Mama back and it over whelmed me.

That’s when the change began for me. It’s began to grow within me. I didn’t know what could be? No one knew each other? No one seemed to care about each other and yet had been affect by each other. I was the only one who could see the pattern that connected us. It’s was like I was a ghost and God was taking to me about it only. Sacred and yet lonely.

My Adopted family by their actions made me feel small, yet I knew I was more. The community made me feel small and yet I knew I was more. Being a Mama made me feel small and yet I knew that being a Mama was the most important job on the planet. Like I said before. After loosing my Mama, everything was about Mama. I lost her? She mattered most. And that she was not truly dead meant I might get Lazarus moment if patient. To want something mean you can have it. But you must believe.

I walk by faith and not by sight. The lord taught me not to trust what I see as a constant the day I left Mama. I had nine months of security and Mama. Then I had to put on my big girl diaper and be someone else baby. Don’t even try to tell me that’s easy, cuz I lived it, it’s not. I yeah. I want what’s mine. And I’m asking for it. And I have a birthright to receive it and I’ve earned as well. I did not need to pay a dime for it! But I did, with my deeds of kindness to less fortunate people. As god is my witness, I am a servant by nature. God is calling me to lead.

The first place I must lead, was myself. I lead myself out of the role of Adoptee, back to daughter. Back to center. Back to Mama. Now I lead Mama out of Donor, back to Mama. I am grown and I am the results of what my Mama ordered from the universe. Apparently? Mama feels like she needs an tongue lashing? That’s what she gets for ordering that? She can order something else now that she knows?

Knowledge is power. And I’ve just given Mama a whole lot of power and she’s got to use it rightly. She needed this extra leg to ground her table of life. Now that I am back? She’ll be unstoppable. Mark my words.

I’ve been asked if I ever did acid? Strange question to me. So I ask God? “God, why is this question being asked?” Im told that folks who drop acid see vividly and abstractly. Like faces in wood and things like that? Makes me feel that God’s telling me Mama dropped acid while pregnant with me. It’s ok Mama. And she smoked pot and drank and smoked. And all those things are frowned upon. But I do not. And I am really who it mattered most too.

I am me. However I came and came back. I am always my Mamas daughter whom ever raised me. And it’s not hard to see her in me if you look beyond how I came to be. So. That’s what’s going on here. It’s one facet of a diamond of an idea like going home.

My Mama needs a whole lot of faith right now. And I am shining my light bright so she can find her way back to herself. And back to me her loving daughter who will never give up on her.

Thanks for diving at all with me.

God bless.

American Made

Within the borders of America are artisans and companies that could employ Americans instead of shipping there work to a neighbor, who’s grown strong off of our life blood. They are cheap drug dealers and America’s is their addict. Or the other way round. We are the enabler. If our neighbors attack us? Who’s helping who?

America, the depression is over and you’re still chasing a dime while tripping over dollars that could easily go into an American’s pocket. When you add Walmart into the mix. Buying power is key. Walmart buys in volume and can easily sustain American companies and are sustaining American companies. They could do way more. We are in bed with our neighbors. And need to go home. This love affair is toxic if we are still not safe?

But our neighbors, the ones who feed off our livelihood, need to remember the hand that has been feeding them so generously. America gives life into all their neighbors and yet many neighbors have wished us harm? For our generosity and willingness to be the voice of reason within this cosmic equation called Earth. We are not a scapegoat for any country.

I admit, many Americans need to get back to natural Law and Higher Law. The higher and natural laws govern our laws and our laws are denigrating due to disconnectedness with higher and natural law.

With that said, I would like to point towards our moral codes. I would like to point towards the codes we all are taught by our Mothers. Do you live by the codes and have you learned the lessons she taught you? Life is hard. Lean on God. Get up. Try again. Be good to your sister. Be good to your brother. Watch out for each other. Love your neighbor as yourself? Tell the truth? And yet children can still not tell Mama when they have been violated and feel supported because Mamas not supported?

As millions of dollars go to countries we love. What’s the return? And what’s the point? Is America in a bad relationship with its neighbors and who’s abusing who? Who shot two towers down? Yes we fired back. We own that sucker punch reaction from a sleeping bear who shares its honey with everyone. So, why shoot at us? We are helping everyone? What was that cheap Shot move about? Why do you got to shoot us? What help do you need that you must shoot and kill innocent people working at jobs? Why is blood the settling factor of a debt?

Our president might be a pig. But don’t underestimate our allegiance to bacon, we know the mental power of a pig and worship them my eating them. We are all filled with Pigs mental and physical energy. Our leader is exactly what this day ordered. Pigs are loving creatures when treated well and can be nice pets. But you never own a pig. You never own anyone. Our neighbors don’t own us. With a flip of a switch, America can change. And we need to because the spiritual well must be refilled. And we have many things that need tending here that need to be better. And our neighbors need to grow up and to stop playing games with our heart. We needed a man who could play bastard to mirror to the neighbors playing bastards so we all can grow up. He’s doing fine, it’s America’s people that I am concerned with? It’s all over the place here. Let’s get a grip can we? I know change is rough? But we can do this. We are ultimately Citizens of this planet. We are all connected through DNA. We all go back to the beginning. We all matter. We all owe each other the duty to take responsibility for how we all are acting in this earth scenario. Why do we need guns again? Oh, because Daddy’s didn’t teach us why? Because Mamas didn’t teach us why? Because we still can’t make a living and get along in this land of the free? Because we are really learning how to get along without having to shoot someone dead to do what? What’s beyond killing? Jail for some and heroism for others? Seems off. Killing is killing. The precepts taught by a Mother can fix this right up. As the mirror reflects back to show us who we all are. Are we shooting each other? Or are we paying attention to our young and teaching them how to get along on a rock that hangs in space by no string? When? Like same old same ole different day man. How long we gonna keep saying that and then being angry it’s there? Now is the time. I mean look at the world. Yes. There’s good. But there also is bad. We need to clean up the ocean, clean up the sky, plant way more trees, learn to communicate better, let go of our baggage from hurts of our past, teach folks how to be respectful by resting them? By respecting all life? Buy making people more important than money and power? All these temples don’t amount to a thing when blood is still being shed after one paid the price. How long? Will we hate one another and not see that to hate another is to hate yourself? It’s time America showed the world how to love themselves, and let them adjust to the lack of attention from us, so they can pay attention to themselves? This fear based religion of war and power just seems kind of childish and I think the world need to be like a boy who’s grown to old to play soldier. We are all reasonable people, let’s act like it. We must use higher reason to unify to the degree that we can be civil to our neighbors when they are hurting. And yet we should not and America rides a fine line, of coaching and Sanctioning, and bombing when folks get out of hand and attack instead of talk? I don’t know what our neighbors think we should do? But I know it takes more than just one country to stop this like of mindset? American wants to know, because the people of this planet want to know, “Way can’t we reason with each other and get along?” What our neighbors are fighting with us about, is not money. Money is what we play with. All of us. And our neighbors can have what we have and there is no need to attack us. Knowledge is power and countries need their people knowledgeable not compliant. Korea? Get with it? When you want to be like someone, do what they do. We’ve made our mistakes. We own our mistakes. That’s what makes us great. And we own more and more mistakes. We feel like helping Korea with Korea was a bit of a mistake. They don’t seem to appreciate that we gave lives from our own country to try to stop the insanity and yet joined it? And let’s face it, America needs to be better to the Hmong community that got caught in that cross fire moment when it brother took a fall for his Hmong brothers and sisters in that insanity war that left us all hurting and unable to care for our wounded soldiers. We still struggle with that. The VA needs help! Like volunteers and fresh water from leadership! Fire makes fire. What are we trying to burn down? I know what I see? And it’s not each other. That’s why higher reason need to be in play. I see that we fail to see, our own hate and project it onto each other. People. I’ve got reasons I could hold onto and stay an Angry old hag. Pay attention. We’ve all fucked up. There are no degrees to sin or missing a mark. Each person knows when they have missed their mark. What the fire for? Who are we truly angry at? Let’s all go higher. But higher means we got to grow higher? Right? Higher IQ? Higher level of understanding. IQ is a muscle and can go higher. Trust that. America just wants to have fun. And yet Americans are not having fun? American need to get government under control and in order. Financial over views need to be made and a system check of balances. Moneys need to used more efficiently. Welfare is broken. Health care is broken. Healing starts from within. Doctors have lost sight of their true calling. Science is in bed with spiritualism if you pay attention they line up. Easy to see when your not beholding to the outcome. America, don’t you want to show the world what we are really about? Get these people, health care and dental and visual and mental. Get help to your neighbor, the one next door. Your American kinds men need help to get higher. This ladders for everyone. Right? All this chasing a dime to get to a dollar, stop. Why? Why do we chase? Can we, not figure out a way better way? Harvard? Princeton? Can we not find a better way? And make it happen now? Is America stuck in the muck? Like doesn’t anyone own a Chevy 4×4? Anymore? A Chevy of the mind? Are we so stuck on this obvious hamster wheel? Running for our lives? While our neighbors feed off of the energy we generate? Excuse me, let me off this wheel. I need to just take a moment and reframe. America is in trouble. We are under psychic attack. Which is nothing more than gossip and Ill will being sent towards us and our leader who laying it on the damn line for us. Wake up people. Look around you. Your not dead. And yet we all are ill? Doctors can’t help us with this kind of shit. We need to send a message to the world. The energies of this message need to be of water, air, and earth. They need to be emotional, mental, grounded and humble. Humble means grounded. Look it up. We don’t need to grovel. We are a nation that stands under God. Anyone’s God is our God. Let’s get that straight. We all need to stop being so limited in our knowledge of other religions and acting as if we will be soiled. All religions are dogma unless taught in unity of all. We all matter and our representation of God matters. Ok. No one need to hate another. So, that means that some religions need to be educated out of some people within our borders. Burning crosses needs to cease. I see each religion as a pool of faith. Pools of thought and devotion to those thoughts. We are all connected and our faiths need to reflect this factual connection. We still have Catholics hating Protestants!! ??? Why? I am of Irish and British, and European descent. And I grew up both with both religions. And I get along with myself? So why can’t they? We are people, humans, our story does not have to keep going the same way it has and yet it still does and we’ve done nothing to make that change the reality it’s needs to be. It’s all been just spinning wheels and shooting guns. The family is still under attack? The list goes on. Some kill their babies after birth due to gender? Some just because they didn’t want to make them, they just wanted sex and don’t realize that’s how it happens and that is kind of what you sign up for when you have sex? So own what you make? It matters? And affects us all? Children in utero still don’t have rights. What about their right to life? Mothers still don’t have honor and the right to their own body and the understanding of that bodies function and how to protect it? Woman are not protected. Men still act like animals. If knowledge is power then we need to lead with education for all. American made? Who’s making America? China? Russia? Fill in the blank _________. Sure. They can help? We are helping them when we send work to their companies. We all need to look at that and stop buying into the psychosis that anyone really wants to bomb anyone else. We all want peace. I see the news. I see the hate. I see the bombs and threats of bombs. We must go higher. The clouds block the view of the world that we all wish to live in and of me and of you, at peace and above all this childish petty shit. Let’s go home to our father as prodigal sons and daughters. Eating with pigs made us smarter. Let’s teach the world to go higher. United we stand and divided we fall. Let’s unit at our basic level, as humans. Let’s don’t let our pools of religion become cesspools of dementia. God is all and all is God. If knowledge is power we should learn about everything so our planets is wholly powered by an educated mass with no time for childish games of war because we are all having to much fun playing this game called life, by the higher rules of engagement. Thanks for diving deep with me today. God bless.

The thing about a rock

I love to paint rocks. I always have loved rocks and crystals. And it makes sense if you think about my sign, Capricorn’s are Earth signs. We are grounded. And I am a realist of sorts.

And being the earth sign from a earth sign? Sparks flew!! Like Mamas never felt truth like she felt from her own baby and our rocks collided in the air as God threw me back at Mama with equal and opposite force.

This has been Mamas second wake up call. Bam! Wap! Boom! Dead end sister. And kindness is not just being nice folks. Mama needed to know. I am not that girl that leaves her female hanging from her own noose! Not for either of my Mamas as we all were strangling within a this net we had all together outgrown.

I don’t know that Mama realizes that all her girls are earth signs? She’s loaded with rocks and we girls ground Mama in her highest truth, the Mama. And without me, As I’ve shown here, Mama was all off trying to live like she’s the Mama of three. And I ground her into her wild self back in the day. And bring fresh perspectives into her own nature she may have misunderstood. I bring meaning to what she felt was a mistake.

I am not mistake. And I know what my ultimate role is, please.

And I have been driving the point home so don’t forget about the rest of this truth knife of mine. There is a knife and not just a point. The point is this knife has sliced away an old truth to revel the ultimate and highest truth. We are all connected. God used that divine connection to lead me home to my clan with my new clan member in tow.

Patience is a virtue for sure. I’m still working on that and when I get impatient, and feel God telling me to pay attention to time and get to it, I listen and follow my heart that only god lives in.

But this rock hit that rock. And I am now rubbing on Mama to smooth us out. It’s like a vibrational shift through the mind, which is where it all started anyway. This started in Mamas mind and she needs to have peace about her choice and to know that she can have more with me and that I am committed to that. And that she’s sharing me with Mama Jean. And I am honest about them both to each other and I am not leaving anyone out of this update.

Where are you with your update? Are you working on your relationship with your Mama or child? It is important and you don’t want to wait for a better day. Just begin and trust that God sent you that child or sent you to that Mama for a reason and it’s important that we all reconnect and learn the lessons together so the whole family can learn and be better.

No it’s not easy

Yes it is hard

No it’s not fun

Yes, it is rewarding

Our relationships with our Mamas affects our identity and to heal that first relationship heals our foundation and heals the world, one person at a time we all are better connected and unified.

We can all work to hit this mark.

Yes we will miss

Yes we can shoot again

Until we hit the mark

When we can look at life logically, by going through the emotions as we allow them to escape as they came, we see.

This rocks not rollin away. This rocks a corner stone. And I have big shoulders that Mama can lean on too and she needs to know that.

My Mamas been worried and her minds all a dither. So I dump myself out and went to every crack and crevice to show her everything within me to dispel all the fear and so she would know now without a shadow of a doubt, this is God’s will and to receive her gift.

That’s what we are and we all need to get that into our bones. And act like we are until our Mamas see. As my Mama sees then my sisters see as well and so on. As I see them my kids see and so on. It’s a domino affect of mental reframing by telling the truth I have and see beyond it. It’s quite extraordinary to witness.

And my Mama has not called yet and yet I see that she will. She’s standing on the edge. And I am trying to tell her to fly, she thinks she is a chicken and I know she’s an eagle. Because I am am eagle.

I am the truth. And I complete this whole.