I knocked on the door, of Mamas house standing next to my son. The tension in the air between us was palpable. He was holding space for me while I witness this gruesome site as I tried to work with the energies of my family as w reunite after so long. Much time has passed and it’s time to turn the heat up and flip these truckers on the rear.
I mean obviously they have no idea who they are dealing with. My children know who I am and that I have been Most patient during this time and have been listening to all the complaints and moaning of my family. So silly how the label Adoption can really turn folks around. I’ve been turning people around my who life educating them one at a time. Practicing and getting strong at understanding how folks get turned around and what constant they have overlooked in the life equations to make the math add up.
I mean Mama evidently thought I was kidding when I said I was the professional here back on some blog post? No. I’m not kidding my dear. You made your psychiatrist. And your match. You can fight me all day Linda Marie Brown. But we could simply drink tea ,or wine, maybe talk or cry if we need too. Have some laughs after all that. Laughter is the best desert.
You can keep talking to whom ever you are talking to that is leading you to chicken shit out. I think you and I both know who that is? And pay attention in this our class. I’ve been paying very close attention to you. Don’t kid yourself. You are surrounded with groupies who have no backbone to stand up to you. Guess I took all the backbone. Good for me. Smart girl.
Why waste good backbone. Make some yummy soup and Use it on Mama. Sometimes you need a bad bitch who’s got your back and is willing to stand up and give support for what we know is the right next move. I’ve delved into our past to glean from it to assist. I feel very connected to you right now. Not the ego. I’m past that point. I feel your essence strongly. Our connection is divine. I’m within you sending strength with God’s help. Always.
There are many things going on at once with you and I. You are adjusting to my truth. That is huge. And my truth is causing the old truth to be deleted, along with the disturbing emotions around that truth. I have dispelled many ideas you had about me and how I feel and felt about it all. That’s a great place to start new. Don’t you think? We’ve weathered the storm. You knew was coming, cuz you knew the force you started it with. Fire and passion.
I bless your union with my father this day. I bless you my Mama. Let that sink in. Drink it up. It’s yours to have and nourish you. We have work to do. A good work.
And somehow. God saved a little for you. Or me. Or whatever however. It’s in the cards for us. I have a good feeling about this and want to validate that this does not feel good and that we need to get together to get this new started.
Can your Ego take it? If not then we definitely need to get together. Cuz that Egos got to go Mama. And the old memories and emotions surround our old got to go. I your daughter have activated this process and stand within divine process with you in this. There is no turning back now, only forward, together, hand in hand now, not just In Spirit, flesh of your flesh and bone from your bone. Real.
Our time was meant to be. This is our divine moment of returning to each other and a settling up in our minds so the math will make sense with all these added variables you and I could not see because our surface truths did not match. And yet our internal ones were spot on. Identifying the quarrelsome thoughts that pledged us both was the task. Why not? Why let sleeping dogs lie? Dogs are more fun awake and chasing balls and barking then asleep.
I’ve learned a many things to be able to come home to Mama. Tried and true. I know what works in the end, not what can keep things covered, but how to expose it and bring healing to it. I’m a mind gardener I guess? You can call it many things. Somehow it’s a gift from this?
And we’ve come full circle. Mama and me. We smacked into each other in the hall that leads towards the light. I scared her. Cuz she did not realize, that I was walking that closely with her because her naked eye could not see me. I had to write it here to identify it by feelings to show her I know and see. And am here to assist. Fuck anyone that says different. That energy has to GO! Now! In Jesus name. Amen I rebuke this energy in my family in Jesus name! I call the Holy Spirit to cover us all. Fill us all. Bring unity Holy Spirit. Now. Amen. Thank you Holy Spirit. Forgive us. Help us to forgive ourselves. Amen.
Oh. Mama couldn’t see what God was doing with her girl. I imagine she can see now. Folks gonna call me crazy and tell me to get professional help?! Ha! I’ll show you a professional. When I am done. Healing comes from honest communication. A block is like a clogged artery. Blocked must be cleared whether in the mind or in the arteries.
Why would God not do this for my Mama or for any other person? Grace covers all. But what was the all. My Mama is the kind of person who wants to know why. So she can learn and grow. She studies books. To fill her mind with knowledge. She is a good person. That’s is why I am going here with her so she can work it out in her head. So she can see and have it all add up right. Even thought her calculation felt right at the time. She’s needed me to alert her if the omission of me that makes the whole problem crash down. I’ve got the new calculation which will add up and feel better.
I know. So amazing to think God trained me to do this? But it’s true. I’ve studied human nature and psychology my whole life. I had too. And while you pass the time waiting to grow up so you can go find Mama, a person can learn a lot and also put it into practice. Practice practice practice.
I have helped a lot of people. Maybe just a little. But a little can lead to a lot of changes with one turn of a dial. Many times my words do just that. They cause someone mind to click and they somehow get something they haven’t before. And it’s amazing to watch the lights go on in people minds. Those aha moments. I think that’s how God trained me to learn all this was to show me what it can do and it does give you a good feeling to know that by opening my mouth and allowing God to speak to someone through you is extraordinary as the divine takes the wheel and speaks words that come from you to this person.
And without Mama removed from my life, god could teach me this. My issue has been that Mama seems to not think I am great. That’s is what I work to right in her mind. Seeing me for who I am and that I have worth to her and the family. I see the adjustments have been rough for the family had solidified and lacked pliability of thinking. They lacked what I know from experiences. And my words were both shocking and upsetting to realize.
Just as my new world was to me as a baby.
We all gotta grow up sometime and lay aside the fairytales and look at our own fairytale. Is this what Mama truly wants? Her daughter blocked and for her family now to show signs of disfunction? Hell no. I know my Mama well enough to see she’s stuck and needs assistance. This is a big task with so many players in it.
The natives have been restless. And it time to squash this with love and unity. No slackers allowed! This weigh has been heavy for Mama and me. And it’s time the whole family carries a piece to take to the dump. Mama deserves that. I will not be seen slacking on recognizing my own Mama needs. This needs to be wrapped up. Do I have to drive up there again? How many times people? Do I have to spend my Money driving up and down the road trying to fix this while you all just ignore, or exasperate this?
Don’t kid yourselves to think Mama don’t see that shit right there. She sees. She’s is praying for us all. I am unable to put this Genie back in her bottle. Ok. So get used to it. I’m trying to get used to your weird ways? What sisters don’t love another sister? Mine. What sisters are reclusive and stand offish? Mine? What sisters do a Mother daughter weekend and exclude their reunited sister? Mine. No shopping. No chit chat.
I refuse to chalk that up to being Adopted. K. Not gonna go down that road that many do. They throw it in the Adopted can’t do pile. That’s not me.
I am my Mamas daughter and I don’t give a shit that her name is not on the birth certificate I now have. She’s written in my heart.
I refuse this label. I made it home and found my own Mama. She’s my Mama!, too. She’s my Mama, too. I have a piece of her in me. And she precious to me. Too. I am no enemy except within your mind. It’s stinks and I can smell it clear down here in Cali. And I could have brought way more drama your way. Trust that. Way more. I’m being kind by not coming up there to deal with you all. My temper can be quite hot. I’ve worked on that for years.
But my anger is at the thoughts that divide us. I’ve learned this vital tool to cope with moments like these. You just had no idea. What you have meant to me. And coming home like this and to this has crushed me to witness too.