Broken…tell me about it

Broken is a word I don’t like

Broken means fixing needs to be done

Broken is not a nice way to feel

For a girls who’s Mama left her so long ago

Broken means a piece of You has cracked

And some kind of glue must be applied and tape to hold it in place until it dries

But it will not be strong in the place of the brokenness with mere manmade glues, unless God glues it back together it will keep falling apart at the stress point

I am certainly asking God my Father/Mother to glue me back together. I keep hearing, go home. God keeps giving me things to say on here. To say to jog her mind loose from its petrified state without me.

My flesh is weak. True. And vulnerable as hell right now. I want to run like hell from this thing God’s calling me to do, because it’s the right and not left thing to do.

And the folks I was around

Who raised me tried to keep me from seeing

That Mama broke me. Yes. She did. She’s broke my body by disconnecting me to soon. My spirit did not break, but has felt real close a time or two. But the grace of God. Thanks to that. My mind was not exactly broken. But I definitely took a hit to the left side of my brain. My speech was affected and my mental process is not like most. I seem to be what they call a circular thinker. I’ll put the link below.

Maybe we can learn about ourselves more. I feel that the records are within us. These bodies have great capacity for storing things. Memories linked to feelings. I’ve gone back somehow to my point of pain. Within me the memories are there. I followed the feeling to find the memories. I guess that is how and why I never got over Mama really. I kept going back in to feel the pain cuz I could not seem to love or feel loved. And my only comfort was pain.

This is not easy dragging all this up. But it’s got to go. I am no longer able to hold onto The pain. Nor did I ever want too. It was my first knowing here. Pain taught me how to live, and yet would drag me down again for one more toxic view of love. I had a real bad relationship with my Mama. And I wanted the chance to fix what Broke. Silly me. The Romantic of the bunch. Great.

Feelings on my sleeves. That’s what I was told. Your damn right my feelings are on my sleeve! My Mama did not want me! Do you read me? She did not want me. Do you know how it feels to be rejected from the one you were made from? No. I imagine you don’t. That’s the problem. How do you explain something so dastardly and cruel? To a world living on love? Or so they think?

My world was crushed the day I was born was the last day I ever heard her voice except from my own lips. I read to myself. I always have. I find I retain better and it soothes me somehow hearing my voice. I realize now why. I am a dead ringer for my Mamas voice. God is good to me. Even if Mama out of it right now. Pray she heals folks. If she and I can. Then we all can.

And I want this for us. For the tears to flow and our hearts to mend. For us to do the process and be the healers we know we came to be and yet where removed. We know the piece of family and what it feels like to be denied them. Let us choose love and end this with truth.

Love would say, children belong with there families, and need to be supported in doing so, with training and direction. Love lead me home to teach my Mama better than to do herself like that. So she can do better.

Lies are awful things. I’ve seen what they did to my family. I love so much. How it re-edited their minds into pretzels of dogma. Zombies, ignorant of the cost. My sister now knows. Go check Twitter sis. I’m there. As the numbers rise on voices coming out with the same news as me. Remember. You heard it first from me. Your sister. I warned you ahead of time dear sis. It wasn’t easy to see you all like that. No

I waited so long and held this all in. But God, I must obey. When God began to take me back to show you what I went through and to write it as it came up so you could feel the full affect and learn. Feelings say a lot. Mama recognized my feelings and said I was pushing buttons. Yep. I got the same ones? Funny thing? Go figure? I’m your kid aren’t I? Did You Think I would forget? Could forget? Nope.

Only forgive. All this is what I held within. Questions, turmoil, anger, love, longing, missing, am I making myself clear? But. god called me to clean deeper within. Clean conduit I kept hearing. Ok. Whatever lord? More cleaning. Yipee! But to know the amount of grace God has given me is to know the grace I gave Mama for doing me like this and not realizing it. Being lied too. Wanting to believe the lie so bad. You just want it to go away. It never will. And she only added abandonment too the original trauma. Great job world!

Thanks for taking care of my Mama while I was growing within her. Thanks for telling her I was stupid and would not even remember her. WELL, I DID! Ok. I’m old enough now to say this and my friends are old enough now to confirm that we remember many things. Many of them painful. I believe we all would like to reunite so we can clear our names and make some pleasant memories to take the place of these rags we are holding onto because it all you gave us?

We are loyal. Even when we don’t like our parents actions. We hope that you learned better while we were paying your debt to society by living without you. Can you parents not see that? We do not necessarily want anything, except what’s ours. I do believe that Adoptees should quality for assistance. It’s hard on our bodies and sciences will soon validate that statement of fact. We all have issues that inhibit us in some way after relinquishment.

And you might want to look at that colossal size check you all will be paying us to live for doing us like this. It’s just a matter of time folks. This is the earning shots. Shits about to get real. Mark my words. We as a nation now, under God I might add, are done with this bullshit. Get ready. It’s coming. The dumb now speak? Cuz we weren’t dumb. We were just young and naive. And Babies! Shame on all of you!

We need a mass confession to go up to sooth God’s nose on this one folks. The only intense to burn is change. I’m telling you truth now. When I get messages like this. It’s God. Not me. I want to go on vacation and make art and sing for a living. Not be an activist. But God will not leave me alone. So. I got to do this.

Even though down deep. For years and years. I am a people pleaser. But the people I want to please are in the future. They aren’t born yet. And as God as my witness, I do this for them at the expense of my own relationship with my own Mama. This shits got to change.

We can tell ourselves all day this is God’s idea. But that’s not true. Go read about Moses. A crazed ruler was killing all first born sons. A crazed killer folks, created Adoption. It’s pissed God off so much that Moses frees everyone. I’m gonna free some babies before they even get here! Damn right! I’m gonna activate change with my truth!

And my family best get on this train before they get left in the lurch like lulu lemon face looking like lions to be like this with me trying to change some babies lives! By doing what some souls should have done for me and Mama back in the day. I mean. Go on. Do what ya want? But you might want to come under this wing of mine. It’s gonna get rough soon. I want you with me and not without me like I was.

It’s gonna get real. So. Broken. Yeah. I got broke early. You take my Mama from me and crushed me. It took my breath away. Took my reason to thrive away. I am grateful for God, but why? So soon? So young. So attached and in love, did you sign off on this? Without even considering, I may not want that?

The first thing the doctor told Mama Jean was, “she got great lungs”. Cuz I was screaming with my little lungs, with no words telling Mama don’t go! She was making a mistake. I came to love her! Yeah. I know how I feel and don’t need anyone editing me again. I want my Mama. That’s is how I still feel. Time can fly by like a jet. Still want my Mama.

That’s one thing Adoption could break in me.

Thanks for diving so deep with me today

Spring cleaning of the Mind, body, and soul

I pray for anyone dealing with Adoption issue.

If you are considering adoption, please read this blog and don’t think you to good to raise a child feeling like I did. It’s just how it is. We miss our Mamas and it does not make us trust this world who couldn’t believe enough in themselves to believe for us, and find a way children can stay with who God sends them too.

God bless you.

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