This morning

I woke this morning. It’s 6 am. I woke up sad and angry. So, sad and angry are the emotions that greeted me this morning. And I cried with these old friends who just keep showing up to great me like a bubbling spring from within. I just love the hang time on this Adoption thing. Like this pain can hang on.

Everyone thinks it’s my Mind that’s the problem. No. It’s not my mind. My mind gets it. It’s my body. It’s the part of me that I could not pacify. The world want me to just fucking get over loosing my Mom like it was no big deal. And folks. For me. And myself and I? It was a big deal.

And right now I’m still that person with that little girl within, that Adoption just did not help. To live yes. But what is life when your own Mama lives and yet does not? I’m just sharing feelings no one wants to hear. But someday we all have to go there. I just went there as a child. My Mama sent me here as a baby with no tools to cope.

No counseling

No answers

No love from her, it felt like hate

No reunion

No party to celebrate that I came home

No one wants me home

No Mama I came from

She gone and yet not

No way out of this

No care to make it truly better from this world that can’t see what this did to my body

This is what I deal with

Thanks to Adoption

I don’t like crying when I wake

But my body is just sad

My mind can’t find the way out

My body will not accept this fate

I feel these days that my body’s just done playing this game.

And God who made this body from Linda

Is my only hope

Mama doesn’t care

She’s right

And feels I am wrong

And that.

Is what Adoption feels like to me

This morning as I wipe the tears

And have to live another day

In my body that’s just sad she can’t see

Adoption tore her heart out and poked her eyes out

Mama can’t see me

I feel disrespected

And dismissed

If God took me

Home today

I would not complain

I would rejoice

Living like this sucks big ones Lord

And I apologize my Mama who says she loves you did this to us.

I love you

I love what you made

Why can’t she?

To bad Mama can’t see that

But when the fork in the road, called me came along

Mama took the road away from the blessing your words says I am

Everyone who lost there Mom

Deserves to be able to mourn

Everyone who’s born

Deserves better

Than this

I apologize

I can’t lie

This hurts like hell

Adoption creates no way home

And that just stupid

Bad planning

And fucked up

I feel something was stolen from me

Without my consent

There is a big hole that marks the spot where what was stolen was

Good luck fixing that

I’ve tried

God’s not going to fix me or God would have already

I think God wants Mama to fix what she did

But she’s not having it

She’s got her free will ticket

And she getting ready to walk away again And again.

It’s so chicken shit

My own Mama?

Talk about a proud Mary

Well alright then

Have it your way Linda

This is what you got from your first decision

Let’s see how it goes after you block, change your phone number, allow my siblings to disrespect me and call me names? Good luck.

I’m a child of God too

Not sure our father agrees with those who lie

If this was so God, then why did you hide me?

Hmm?

You think I scrambled home like some rat?

Our father lead me home

And God’s calling all this garbage back up so you can see the shit you threw your gift into

So. Good luck

I’m going with my Father.

Moms suck too

Dead beat Moms suck

I don’t want this you, at all

This you is why

You’ll never get me back

Not because I don’t forgive you

But God won’t forget

Because you never confessed

So the blood can’t wash it

So you’re dirty

Right there

At the incision point

Where God cut me from you

You poisoned tree

And you will have to return

You failed this test

And will be called home

I’m releasing this hold of mine from you

And giving god all i have

And asking for peace

All cuz you won’t try

Go then

Just go

I never knew you

Matt 25:35

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,

But you didn’t

Again and again

Who am I? Beyond coming from you?

God’s child

If you gave me to God?

The question is:

Is this how you treat God’s child?

Is this how you allow your Children you kept and did not give to God to treat the one you gave to God like this?

Do you even know God?

I want the world to see this.

What Adoption really is.

You see it when you go home.

2 thoughts on “This morning

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