I woke this morning. It’s 6 am. I woke up sad and angry. So, sad and angry are the emotions that greeted me this morning. And I cried with these old friends who just keep showing up to great me like a bubbling spring from within. I just love the hang time on this Adoption thing. Like this pain can hang on.
Everyone thinks it’s my Mind that’s the problem. No. It’s not my mind. My mind gets it. It’s my body. It’s the part of me that I could not pacify. The world want me to just fucking get over loosing my Mom like it was no big deal. And folks. For me. And myself and I? It was a big deal.
And right now I’m still that person with that little girl within, that Adoption just did not help. To live yes. But what is life when your own Mama lives and yet does not? I’m just sharing feelings no one wants to hear. But someday we all have to go there. I just went there as a child. My Mama sent me here as a baby with no tools to cope.
No love from her, it felt like hate
No party to celebrate that I came home
No one wants me home
No Mama I came from
She gone and yet not
No way out of this
No care to make it truly better from this world that can’t see what this did to my body
This is what I deal with
Thanks to Adoption
I don’t like crying when I wake
But my body is just sad
My mind can’t find the way out
My body will not accept this fate
I feel these days that my body’s just done playing this game.
And God who made this body from Linda
Is my only hope
Mama doesn’t care
And feels I am wrong
Is what Adoption feels like to me
This morning as I wipe the tears
And have to live another day
In my body that’s just sad she can’t see
Adoption tore her heart out and poked her eyes out
Mama can’t see me
I feel disrespected
If God took me
I would not complain
I would rejoice
Living like this sucks big ones Lord
And I apologize my Mama who says she loves you did this to us.
I love you
I love what you made
Why can’t she?
To bad Mama can’t see that
But when the fork in the road, called me came along
Mama took the road away from the blessing your words says I am
Everyone who lost there Mom
Deserves to be able to mourn
Everyone who’s born
I can’t lie
This hurts like hell
Adoption creates no way home
And that just stupid
And fucked up
I feel something was stolen from me
Without my consent
There is a big hole that marks the spot where what was stolen was
Good luck fixing that
God’s not going to fix me or God would have already
I think God wants Mama to fix what she did
But she’s not having it
She’s got her free will ticket
And she getting ready to walk away again And again.
It’s so chicken shit
My own Mama?
Talk about a proud Mary
Well alright then
Have it your way Linda
This is what you got from your first decision
Let’s see how it goes after you block, change your phone number, allow my siblings to disrespect me and call me names? Good luck.
I’m a child of God too
Not sure our father agrees with those who lie
If this was so God, then why did you hide me?
You think I scrambled home like some rat?
Our father lead me home
And God’s calling all this garbage back up so you can see the shit you threw your gift into
So. Good luck
I’m going with my Father.
Moms suck too
Dead beat Moms suck
I don’t want this you, at all
This you is why
You’ll never get me back
Not because I don’t forgive you
But God won’t forget
Because you never confessed
So the blood can’t wash it
So you’re dirty
At the incision point
Where God cut me from you
You poisoned tree
And you will have to return
You failed this test
And will be called home
I’m releasing this hold of mine from you
And giving god all i have
And asking for peace
All cuz you won’t try
I never knew you
For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,
But you didn’t
Again and again
Who am I? Beyond coming from you?
If you gave me to God?
The question is:
Is this how you treat God’s child?
Is this how you allow your Children you kept and did not give to God to treat the one you gave to God like this?
Do you even know God?
I want the world to see this.
What Adoption really is.
You see it when you go home.