I met a woman yesterday. She was pregnant. And so happy about having a daughter. I Marveled as we talked about pregnancy and her daughters picky eating habits and how the doctors were filled with fear about the possibility of her getting diabetes. She was such a wonderful person, filled with life. She reminded me of me at her age.
I asked her what her daughters name would be. Who is inside her growing? She told me her name and why she named her. The name had a special spelling and it’s linked to, her family. She talked about her Gramma and Mama and aunts a lot. Kind of like me? But she had the confidence to speak about it that I didn’t. She had the history and it was such a deep part of who she is. I Marveled as she talked.
She must have mentioned her Mama at least a dozen times in our conversation. I could see she loved her Mama very much and considered her a friend. It showed me I was normal and adoption has been the one thing that has tried to stop me from talking about my Mama. I don’t get the history and all I have to talk about is our past these days. Mama and I have been real stuck, and I feel we need to move forward. To stay here is a shame to us both, especially since we are Christian. What does our relationship say about God? How do we glorify God like this?
People, mostly my family on Mama side, aren’t supportive of us. How can I say that? Well? I’ve spoken. I’ve shared my side. And it seems they want to bury their heads, as if I am some storm blowing by? No. This storm has come to clear the air and blow some old things away that hinder us all growing in our Christ like love.
The world is our home. And we all are family. But family is a thing, a unit, a measurement you came from. Family is key to everyone’s evolution and is intricate to well being. Good family? Well being. Struggling family? Bad well being. Why would I go merrily on my way through life like that?
I am not the kind of person to let sleeping dogs lie forever. They need a steak to feed them or they get hangry. My family has slept for a long time and they needed my truth as a steak to feed them so they could see beyond hangry. Thy need to see I mean well in this end. But that things need to change because change is good in the end.
Yes. I am the daughter who came back. And we can’t go back. No, except to take a look at it and learn from it. That’s what I am doing. I go back to learn and I am sharing what I learned living a life without Mama and family. And my learning is valid. It’s shows a truth beyond Adoption wildest dreams. My truth is:
- I went home anyway
- I loved Mama anyway
- I cared deeply anyway
- I hurt living without her
- I felt confused by what everyone said
- What everyone said about it did not take away my pain
- I never forgot Mama
I held tight to her hand in spirit and did not let go. And it lead me Home to her.
- Adoption made my Mama feel her job was done.
- Adoption caused my Mama to seem to loose her grip at reality about me
- Adoption lies to her and told her it was ok
- She believe it, cuz she had to to survive such a thing.
- Adoption causes her to lie about me and to hide me
I failed to get the memo about staying away. And Mama wants to say shame on me? A baby? For not getting it? Well. Mamas getting it now. I’ve thrown it all in the street to sort here and rebuild what was a major fault line in our relationship.
I am a Capricorn. What’s that have to do with it? I get shit done. That’s what it means. I focus on the goal. I work hard for what I want and tear down all strong holds that exalt themselves against the knowledge of God. With the word and my word of truth I tear the old down to rebuild. Yep. Redo time. This sucks doing it without a proper
manual and I have had to make up a manual for us right here.
We all talk about our Mamas. I am no different except that I talk about both my Mamas and I would have way more nice things to say if they just would stop trying to run me and stop me. It’s time we move along and this place that we were is gone.
Now. We begin again. Fresh. That’s the miracle I clean up for. To revive you must purge an old to let a new in. We had a lot of old, so what’s that mean? Yes. A shit load of new is needed to come in, so move it out! Good coming our way!
Thanks Lord. For sending me a friend to show me reality. Thanks that she was kept so she could show me how it is with Mamas and daughters. Thanks you for validating my feelings when my Mama can’t seem too. Help Mama see. Take the scales from the eyes of her heart so she can finally see the blessing of me.
Thanks for diving deep with me today.