Feelings I felt growing up Adopted.

  • Numb
  • Confused
  • Angry
  • Sad
  • Sick
  • Frustrated which is a cousin to angry
  • Alone
  • Misunderstood
  • Dismissed
  • Negated
  • Overlooked
  • Penalized
  • Excluded
  • Trapped
  • Confined
  • Despondent
  • Depressed
  • Bewildered
  • Dismayed
  • Hopeless
  • Helpless
  • Insecure
  • Unstable
  • Anxious
  • Ambivalent
  • Lack of passion for life
  • Lack of drive to succeed
  • I felt like so what, if Mama doesn’t care why should I, what’s the use
  • Left out
  • Betrayed
  • Conflicted

I also, felt

  • Love
  • Hope
  • Faith
  • Determination to change it when I grew up
  • Passion to help heal this

It’s like, within me, my Mama alarm went off. I grew up thinking about all the kids feeling like me who could not speak up cuz it’s so scary to think about this being done to you again it’s stifling. And it took me years to live this life to figure out what the issue was.

It’s like having a sword thrust in your side and folks want you to watch a sunset or the birds and forget the sword, and they don’t help you take it out, cuz they won when your Mama did you like this. I felt abused. I felt taken advantage of. I felt stolen from.

I felt like a hot rotten potato that just got passed around. I felt broken because no seemed to see me and that I was not happy about this arrangement, and no one gave a shit, cus this is what my Mama wanted for me. She did not know, what Adoption would feel like to me. She hoped I would like it, and then just wrote me off per-say. Like adopting me out was some

Divine check list entry on the list of life.

  • Bastard daughter born
  • Check
  • Adopted to someone else
  • Check
  • Forget her
  • Check

without all the flowery words describing my experiences? It’s kind of ugly. Huh? That’s my point. The feelings were not flowers. Good times happened, but the loss washed over it all, in the end, I lost Mama and that really hit me hard.

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