She’s never really gone. I learned living without Mama around, that Mama is always around. There is really no way to get away from your Mama, she within you. And no matter how far you go, or how old you become, she will always be a part of your life, even if she chooses to not be a part of your life. So, I learned being away from her, only caused to amplify her presence in me.
She matters when it comes to your welfare. Living without your Mama, forces you to face your own mortality. Loosing your Mama, and facing her disappearance, makes you have to take life seriously to some extent. You realize once Mama is gone, its up to you to survive. She is not going to help you live, she gave all she had, so make it count. Or don’t, its up to you.
She can’t control you. She’s there within you, but you don’t have to be like her in everything. She’s taught you a lesson early, don’t get comfortable with folks staying, people leave, so remember that. Make your life count for something. Mama can’t live your life for you, and my Mama didn’t even try too. She sent me packing when I showed up unannounced and uninvited.
Its kind of a two edged sword to have your own Mama leave you on purpose. She chose to die to me the day she left me and sent me to strangers to raise me. I can’t take that act back. And she seems pretty set on keeping it the way she started this thing with me. So, I must adjust again. It does not make me happy to have to adjust all day, while she stays the same. but I can’t go throwing myself at her all day. She either gets it, or she does not.
One positive affect of loosing my Mama is that I get grief and grieving people. It kind of makes you understand pain, and loss. People come to me and tell me there painful stories and I listen, and it seems to help. The hole in my heart seems to shine on those who loose. I guess it does make me feel better that I can help hurting people, at least my life has meaning.
I remember loosing a neighbor, she was 33 years old when she died suddenly on morning in her house. And she had 4 daughters, who now did not have their Mama anymore. I knew what to do. Help those girls grieve and say goodbye. I went over with paper and pens and crayons and glue. We made letters to their Mama, sending love and saying Good byes. I never had a chance to do that with my Mama. So, it helped me to help them do what I was not able to do.
I am feeling these days, that Mama will not changed. She just to far gone to go back to having me around. And Yes, its sad. But I will find the end to this pain. And I will bloom in this world I was planted in. The world is big and Mama can’t haunt me forever. She is just a ghost that rattles my chains, again and again. Uninvited through my mouth. Still in my brain.
I really would like to quit Mama. But, and there is a but, I don’t know how in a world where everyone agrees that no one ever gets over loosing their Mama, that I can. She is in my DNA, she comes out of my mouth, she’s in my mannerisms, my looks? Ugh. Lord, help me forget Mama, the world wants me to, and so does Mama. And my sisters and family.
I will find more positive things about loosing Mama. I wish I had more things. I will pray tonite for God to show me more things about loosing Mama that I can share here. But its not easy. But when I cut the cord once I find it, she’ll feel me gone. I won’t need her anymore and she’ll be alone with her own thoughts about it. I don’t need to take all this time to explain myself to her, just to have her block me.
The positive thing about loosing Mama is that she did not raise me. So she could begin again. The raising is over. I did not have to be with her truth about me for 30 years. I lived, with only my thoughts of her, and not the truth of who she really was.
But in the end, the truth does come out when you go home to face it. And God loves us both. God knows why she did this to me, and her. And God will judge us both on our actions. I gave her my best truth. And she will have to live with what she did about it and how she reacted to it. Just as I did her actions towards me.
I don’t know, coming home was a big gesture what she just did not get. And well, no one told me, or showed me another way, not even Mama. She seems to want me to hit the road again and again. She has not made me comfortable, nor welcomed. My family has excluded me from events, which shows me exactly how they feel about me.
The positive things bout growing up without a Mama who feels like my Mama does about me, is that I did not have to face that growing up. I felt it growing up and it did affect me, but I did not have to face her truth all day in my face. And that was nice. Mama Jean had her hands full. Thanks to Mama.
I also learned that even though your Mama gives up on you, God won’t.
Thanks for diving deep with me today.