Please excuse me for not toning my feelings down. I played the quiet game to long.

I grew up in a home that the Mother running it wanted quiet. Noisy kids were not accepted. That’s how I felt growing up. So I played outside and screamed with the kids outside to get all my energy out so I would not upset my Mama when I got home. She did not want to hear about my day. She had head enough I guess. And it made me wonder a lot about why did she want me with her anyway?

I woke up this morning and emotionally vomited. And this is what came up. My feelings of restriction growing up with a Mama that’s not like me. And other children have Mamas that are not like them either. I get that. But for me it was a compound fracture with the nagging feeling I felt being an orphan called adopted. It just hits in me at a feeling that I know I’ve given it to God. It’s kind of like Mama and me. She gave me to God and it’s like Gods giving me back and she’s not getting it and it’s brought up all her shit and mine, now. And neither of us is happy about it. And it’s like two woman seeing themselves in the spiritual mirror for the first time? Shock? Mamas trying to spit on my hair persay and I am fixing her bra spiritually speaking. It’s really kind of comical if you can let go of the emotions behind such clashing communications, and seemingly aggressive adjustments to each other.

But fire brings light and light brings truth. We both needed to blow it out of the water for each other, if we really do love ourselves. We would demand no less of ourselves to save ourselves. And yet have gone through this all, hand in hand, spiritually speaking. It’s taken me this long to find the words to say it. I am Mama’s twin flame child. I am from deep within her psyche. I am linked to her spiritual side and those spiritual giftings as these did not seem like gifts to her back in the day and they scared her to death! But still inside her was the questions. Two of her daughters openly study these things. My sister and I come from that scholar so deep within her. I have embraced those gifting in the light and in God. I’ve always known I was psychic and was unlearned about my gifts, in the church they call them different words. I walk everywhere with God. I go. And God shows me the books to read so I can learn about what God’s teaching me now. W all should strive to remember that God is all and all is God. You never know how Gods gonna dress up. That’s why, you just got to treat everyone like God and love them enough to tell them the truth. God like the truth cuz it set him free. It is we. Father son Holy Spirit, mind body soul. We are all we. Separation is an illusion we created.

Mama, yes. God teaches me. And god teaches you. Like, come on. 4 bible studies? That’s a lie! More like 5-9 a day! Sometimes you get lost in study!! For days. Your a hermit! A very lovely hermit. Come on you are being modest. You study the word Mama. You are a scholar. Stand up and be recognized!! I don’t give two shits if the girls can’t see it. What I see in you doll. That’s Huey in me , Mama, that’s how this piece of Huey see ya. I get to learn from his mistake and do better by you. I see all of you cuz the two of you are mixed in me. You don’t seem to see that and I want to make sure that’s clear before we go anywhere darlin. I’m his good side too. Are e done getting to know each other again! This is so old. I think we sucked all the juice out of it. Don’t you? You study hog! I love it. I’ve got some stuff too if you can trust me?i don’t know. I might lie to you or something? Or was that you? Talking about yourself again? Anyway.

You’ve got to believe mine waited my turn to speak and played the quiet game like I was told. And then, the switch gets flipped and all you held in just comes out of you. Like lier lier the movie. I don’t want to capitalize that title. You know what I mean. Thanks.

  • Funny thought,” can you imagine if we all spoke like we write? Cuz we don’t write like we speak. Ever wonder why some books are harder to read than others? And speaking to the author is better than the book by far because the way writing is structured it categorizes and structures our writing more like a chopped up version of the story. And organized telling of the story, not the blow by blow. Have you noticed that?? Hello mind. I teacher, noticed that about writing.
  • I write like I am. If you wish to continue to call me crazy, I’ll just assume you are a hillbilly and void of any mentality that has an ability to comprehend. I can act like a hillbilly to fit in. But I am not a hillbilly in the sense that I have been no where. I’ve been places and gone as far as I could.
  • I have enjoyed people in my adopted life. I enjoy my family, as much as a banned member of some sort of loser wanna be Taliban, can? I do see such a better slot for my gifts to truly shine if Mama could kindly style herself and send me an invite up, or maybe big sister? Mamas tired. Hmm? And I would love to wrap some of Mama’s friends around my fingers, and have fun being me. Not this me, though. What I mean is, This is my fed up gonna teach you a lesson you won’t forget easy this time, I’m done Belinda. I want to have fun with Mama friends. I am fun.i learned a lot living in the south about hospitality Mama, Just love um, and Tell them the truth. And love um. That’s what the world told me. It more so in the south. The world told me the truth, I saw it, and I loved it. Now I want to spend some time loving you, Mama.
  • I guess I am breaking the rules. Mama so did you. That’s why we are here. Hello. Gods teaching the world a lesson through us and no ones in trouble!! Isn’t that great? Say yes,Mama. Thank you. I really don’t want to see the other way Mama. If this is the way God wants us to do it we must obey. I am being real. You can blog on here too. And get me back. My rules now. No holding back on me again young lady. I beat you by miles. Come on. Let’s study together now. I’ll test that mind if yours, you know you want me too. It’s fun.
  • Please send my hermit Mama some love. And please send my crabby Mama some love. Capis in the house climbing the walls. Ok. These woman need some time out. We all are done here with this freak show Adoption shit. I feel we all agree. I’m me. You all are you. Ok. Like what are we gonna do now? The past is in flames as we speak. I’ve blown the lid off going back. That roads out. Options anyone want to chime in? My kid taught me some mind craft. I’m using it here in your minds.
  • If you read here, then I’m in your mind. The more times you come here the bigger my room and the ideas I bring with me. To study and learn from. We all do this.
  • Right now my son is building a room in his mind about body building and proper nutrients for body’s that build.
  • I’m building rooms I’ll tell you about later in more detail. But they are coming together quite nicely and I will have a grand opening to show you all around my new ideas and areas of study. I’m deep. And when beginning to talk and get to know people I feel telling them how you love your Mama is key. It’s tell me a lot about how a person feels about their Mama, by ho they treat them.
  • I tell the truth if I am upset, and especially tell the truth when I am happy. I have not been happy about this situation for years and have been studying us all to find resolve. True resolve.
  • I have written how I feel and much if it is jumbled. I was befuddled and my writing shows my befuddlement. Very clearly. It blew my mind!or better said I had to blow my mind to even see another way except to just remain like this? I just jumped the Adoption mental track and made scratch on the vinyl. Hopefully big enough to make people have to throw the record out and buy a new one. Screeeeeeeetch. Scratch.
  • Surely we all don’t want to remain like this. To my family and to the world family. Surely we don’t want to stay like this?
  • I am her, now you are here reading and I’ve drawn you in like a moth to my flame. I am working here on my relationship with my Mama. And obviously, you might be too. And your looking for clue to find what you seek. That is our quest. Is life organized? Organically? Yes. But not like the mind wants to think. And we must look at this part of the mind that organizes experiences and processing experiences.
  • Look at writing. Writing is not like thought in inhibited. Why is it inhibited? Well, more like controlled. What is the control for? Same with language. Has no one here ever thought about this? If yes speak up. If no speak up. Please. I value your I’m put into this mind exploration discussion.

I tell you truly. My mama gave me a great mind and so did my Daddy. You go to my Mama house and there are books she’s read and stored in that mind of hers. I know what in there she prays it to me. She’s awesome. She’s twin a lot of time to learn her lessons. We’ve been reminiscing about how far she’s come and I kind of came out of no where and turned her on her ear. Don’t worry folks, she’ll be better than ever after this. That woman’s so deep, she acts shallow. Don’t let that fool ya. Don’t. She’s looking to see if you notice her brilliance and she watching to see if you see, what she sees from her life.

Sure. Things turn out different than e thought, we do have to factor God into it though, god there within us watching us use our supposed š…š«šžšž wills. God is the observer within. We all have God, even though some folks came to try to prove for God to be nothing. Even in science, god is there. What we call god is in us all and around us all and has many faces and names. That is key. We can not delude ourselves to think that God is limited to only one perception. I think that’s the point. God is us all. Not just in us all. And worship should look more like work. And yet should be enjoyed.

Many think work is a drudge. And that what they think, but thought patterns can change. If Adoption is some kind of way, then we need to accept that it changes those who enter into such an arena. I was changed. My Mamas were changed. What did. expect? Did everyone just think I felt the same because I kept quiet like I was told too? Well did ya! No. I had very deep reactions to being Adopted and I have had to work with my body and mind that took the biggest hit to my system. Excuse me for not acting like everyone else. But they say, ask for help, so people can help you.

I would like to ask you all what have you don’t for me it listen? What I do here is not just for me. What have you done to help your Adoptee feel grateful for being adopted?have you helped them heal? Just because you want to believe they are ok, no one is like this. Adoption feels off course. As a child I felt off course. And one deviated step make more debated steps. Do you see what I am saying?All free will decisions have consequences. My decision to speak up has cost me my old relationship with my Mama. I had to burn it down to cause change enough to last. No I build a new and share the steps with Mama, so she I’ll never loose track of me, nor I here. We’ve been subconsciously connected since my birth. I’m making it a conscious connection now. It’s like a secret love coming out into the open.

And of course my Mama wants that. Of course she does. But we Hermits dot the i’s ams cross our t’s. I really don’t worry about my grammar, this is about expressing feelings and ideas freely. And my raw emotions are the only thing that can take the wall down, the illusion that Mamas there alone, and I’m here being crazy is silly. I’m feeling crazy cuz no ones listen to me say Mama needs us to get it together. I can feel it. We must act. And stop talking. All of us.

________________________________________. _________________________________

See. It’s like now i am addiction. I’ve gone so long like this it’s just like a broken record. You may be thinking I don’t realize this. But I was born with an itch and I would like it to be scratched metaphorically speaking. Like I love my Mama. Haters gonna hate. Why must I pay for such a love by being denied so long my buttons broke and I can’t seem to shut myself off. And I do feel Mama the one with the key. And some woman take forever getting ready. My Mama is one of those woman. Take a while to get ready for work. Sometimes she’s late for work. One time she only worked 9 months and quit.

Now, she thinks I got all day to mess around with this mess and she thinks I’m gonna just leave it? Leave us like this! Oh hell no! I am not going down like this. What’s up with my family for god sake? Constructive and destructive. Sometimes you need both to build again. Like I’m done crying except for us not getting with it! how long to review? I’ll know we are done when I get a call or visit. Or some kind of sign from the family that we lol done if why Belinda be so different. Ok. Y’all educumacated yet?

Like what’s a girl got to do? I’m Mamas love child. I grew up without her and yet somehow came out with a Lot of her in me. And yes. It’s all mixed in with my adopted family and looks like. Crazy hot mess to you I guess? Sure. Make fun if the orphan girl who dreamed of coming home. Great not you guys too? Like we all got something different about us.

I am done caring if folks don’t like me talking about my Mama. No one ever helped me go home? Guess I got to figure that shit out myself? No one cared enough to ask me if I wanted my Mama back. Well, I did. Even if she was gonna be mean and hate me. I still wanted her back even if she didn’t love me. Sounds crazy. What’s the diff? Being kept and hated or being adopted and still feeling hated? No dif. People have been tying to tell me how to feel my whole life. I feel how I feel. There’s a reason I feel how I do.

No ones listened my whole life. I’m trying to be heard here. My voice matters. So does everyone’s. And Mamas. I don’t know why we can’t seem to work it out sad it’s like this? She hats me blogging, but doesn’t want to talk. I have felt crammed into a box I don’t fit into. Soon this will be over I tell myself and still the emotions don’t change, cuz Mamas not changed how she see what I say. And I look Down the barrel of a life without her. I see that. I could never get to see her again. I could never get to go to her funeral. I know what I am looking at if I don’t get through. I’m scared I won’t. But have faith I will and that God is on our side.

Anyway. There. Today’s purge. Good luck understanding me. I am working to be understood. Believe me. I am working. Using my words. You know. I used to bite as a kid. I learned to stop. I’m doing way better blogging. At least I am not bitting anymore.

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