My morning practice

The hermit. My Mama card in tarot. Hello Mama. My mentor. Look at her. These are my fairy tarot deck. Fae is a name for an energy we feel. Fairies are real. Society has changed so much that we fail to see them, and notice their earth energies. For many what I speak of sounds like fairytales and delusion. That’s how far gone many are. So many have forgotten the good magic of this place. Fairies remind us of earth and our part here and connectedness with others who can guide us is crucial and right. Society told me I was no longer my Mama’s child, on paper. Yet I could not convinced my body and mind made from that woman to agree to their terms to owning my soul. I know what was intended. But my body, could not release that it’s fundamental for us to maintain connections with our Mamas. Even if the bond is badly severed and in need of attending too. We or I maintained connection by some kind of psychic mental, powerful bond. It’s like she moves, I move kind of connection. It’s kind of weird to experiences and realize it after being away for her so long. It’s like even though she did not raise me, the connection we had was so strong, she did through that bond. Like her story meshed with mine kind of brain wave. Kind of like. Television program in my mind, Mamas mind was that television. I’ve been spying on her for years I guess? Sounds creepy. It’s like a life line for me. Background noise. It’s like I never hung up on her even though she hung up on me? Or thought she had. Remember when you could hang up and if you didn’t hang up, no one could call out? That’s how it feels.

See? It’s very complicated living in this body of mine. My emotions have blow outs. I wonder does Mama? I feel like lately she’s been needing me but she’s just being stubborn for some reason. Probably cuz I just blabbed it all? I guess I felt like I need to prove myself here with Mama, to show her how strong our bond is. That I’ve been connected for years and have so longed to be with her enjoying her too. It’s hard when your born with that kind of a connection to your Mama and she has to leave you. Damn hard I am not going to lie about that.

She blew my mind. Boom. Nothing made sense without her in it. So I took her everywhere. She was My one constant-in this wacky life equation called adopted. Even if the world thought I was crazy for even daring to think of her. Even when they told me she did not love me? I held on tighter to her. Then I realized I was strangling myself and should calm down. It’s over now. I’ve walked you back through it to explain why I am like I am. And it been rough going back to recall it all here. It’s brought up all the emotions for one last spin around the block to show you how it felt and how it affected my mind. I’ve done the best I could to relate to you from my heart.

People have asked me what’s wrong with you? I say, I’m adopted. And I prove that here with my testimony. If I am wrong to you, it shows adoptions not helping anyone. Least of all me. I dont like growing up around people who love me and yet pity me to then move away to start a life and find have to out what they did not tell you about yourself because they didn’t want to hurt your feelings or just didn’t know. The world will show you the truth. My Mamas each had a truth. Both different. And mine is the life that came from that.

I expanded spiritually because I never let go. I absorbed everything Mama absorbed. I see it because I choose similar things then she. It felt like for me, right before Mama and me met, like I was gonna loose it. I was 30, and Chelsie Lynn had been born. Such a blessing she was, but my body needed my Mama. Mama knew it and spoke of being so moved by the love expresses towards her from her grandchildren? My question is? Who taught them that love for you? Who told them their story to make them see, her as special. Who made it safe to come home to me? Me. I did. And she’s been in me all along. Just waiting to love herself back again. Everyone gets many chances to a do over. And Mama is no different. I just got to make sure she knows I’m telling the truth, cuz she’s been lied to before.


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