I really have some strong feeling about Adoption right now. And my negative feelings are the dross in my silver lining. Aa I purge these thoughts onto blog page after blog page I am amazed at all I held in and how affected I was being raised away from my Mama and how deep she’s in me.
I can’t wait until all this is out. I can’t wait to see how my life shines when the impurities are gone. Impurities for me mean thoughts that are not founded I truth. I wish to hear Mama side to dispel all the worries and fears. But God can also just take them away. But I want to learn. That’s why I want Mamas truth. I feel it will ground me.
Growing up without her I felt like a feather in the wind. I felt detached and my emotions were trapped inside me trying to get out. But I felt to share them at such a young age would be wrong and mean. I had to get over that feeling and tell myself it was not my fault it did not go well for me? It’s just how it was. It’s funny and yet not.
Strange is what I felt about everything without Mama to look too for help. I had to form Myself without her and yet with her. Weird. So weird. But when I finally found her it was clear, she was in there and Daddy’s was too. At 30, I saw them both in me. Thank you lord for such a gift. It had a grounding affect on me.
And after I found them is when I really started to grow in myself as a whole. My Daddy accepted himself in me, and my Mama struggled too. That is when the real work began, inside my mind began a quest to win Mama back. Why not? God gave her back to me? What’s the use of having her if you can’t have all of her? Right? Warts and all. I’ve got feckless so watts don’t scare me. I think my Mama beautiful, just filled with a bunch of lies that need to go. That’s all.
But you see it takes work. You got to dig deep into the truck of your Self and pull God out as the ultimate weapon of warfare against anything that tried to set itself up against the knowledge if God. That’s deep folks. Cuz God knows my Mama real well. And God knows me real well. And with truth, god can work. In lies? Well God’s got to work harder. But that’s God’s way. God loves us that much, god never gives up until the jobs done.
I pray for God to do a miracle with Mama and me. And I pull for Mama each day as she turns away for Her blessing. I send kisses and love as I dish up the truth to her. I sprinkle it with my deepest prayers and intentions of good to be had for us both. I am a rock. So she can’t break me, but we both are getting another out for the rubbing together and hats a good thing. These things are smoothing out.
And in the end Mama will see after the smoke from our past burning as subsided, that I’m her daughter for sure and she can’t back me down and she’ll ask herself, “why is she fighting me at all?”, and just cave in to love. I’m relentless. But in the end, it’s gonna be amazing. She’s gonna squeal with delight. Maybe not?, but i shoot high. I want Mama to feel love from her head to her toes from me and those lies just have to go so she can see right.
Lord. Cover my word with your love. Help me do right. Be with Mama. And help her see me right. Amen.
What’s adoption mean to you? Please share here if you can? I’d love to know your take?
Thanks for diving deep with me today.