So true. I was just days old when I experienced a huge loose and a huge gain. And I feel all things come around for a second look so we can glean the gains once mature enough to understand them. I’m older and Mamas older too. She was 25 when she relinquished me. And back then they said a whole lot about Adoption and how it worked from a place of theory.
I have lived this theory. And it was a way, yes. Is it the way? No. Does it ultimately solve a problem? No. Does it cause compound problems? From what I experienced, yes.
As a baby I had a great chance to show Mama her beauty in me. As a grown adult affected deeply by relinquishment? I struggle. But I don’t give up. I complain. Yes. To show you the struggle so we can figure out how to make it better. The theory that another woman can take the place of the one whom the child came from is flawed and not true. By my assessment after experiencing trying to do just that as instructed by Adoptions non verbal communication of cutting me off from her, I proceeded by trying to not think about her. I found out, it’s impossible and also that it’s just dumb.
I now openly speak about my struggles to lead Mama into uncharted territory. That territory is her mind about it. We are back where we started in our minds together. I’m there in her. And here in me. My cells still live inside her. Science shows this. She feels lied too. She feels upside down. And that’s ok. My truth did that. And I wish I could have held it in, but then again I know holding it in has kept us from progress.
As you have read here, it’s complicated where I have dared to go. Into the nightmare. Into the fairytale. To guide Mama to truth. Our truth together. Magic’s most likely involved. And it scared Mama to death. And that is what God wants to clear up. That’s is will be ok. I did not come back as a curse but to show the blessing.
My goal is to change Mamas mind about it, so that she can truly feel and see the lesson learned here with us. I’m here friend above all. And it’s not fun. No. This part sucks bad. I get it. But clean up is always work but worth it in the end. Friends, true friends tell ya the hard stuff. Mines hard as a rock. And hers is two. And you put our truth together and you get a higher truth combined. We got wisdom here. Hard earned between us two and three. We all do. And it’s ok. I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here. There is always a new opportunity when we are ready. All hope is not lost. All is safe in God’s holy bank for us to draw from. And though my truth is hard like a rock, my love is soft enough for her to land in. Because she’s surrounded with my love. And questions will Be answered. We are not like other people. We are called higher as God’s Children. We can make it. We are making it. Faith is a mustard seed and so it shows us it only takes a little faith to grow more faith. This is divinity guided that’s why you can’t turn me off Mama. I’ve turned the volume up on me so you know you can’t stop it. God’s in charge. Can’t you see? I’m not resisting? I am offering and offering just like God does. Again and again a god brings it around til your ready. I’m ready for this Jump with your real hand in my real hand. Let go of our yesterday. Take my hand into a new day. Is God not big enough to fix this? I believe. Will you? Mama? Have I not proved my Loyalty? I am going to pray for Mama now. This does look crazy. But all will be validated and seen. Soon. I’m on a hunt for Mama three the brambles is our past. She needs to know I know. She needs to know who I am. Trust is what I know how to build. She’s learning to trust this part of herself again. She’s looking at herself in me. Yep. She’s realizing how much she loves this part of herself again. And it makes her sad. And she tries to push it down and it come Back up. Again and again. And she’s upset because it won’t stop. Just like me. It’s ok. It’s part of the process of birthing again Mama. Our past has brought us here. But our past is not who we have become. It’s can not define us unless we allow it too. But again, we both must let go of it and embrace each other. Try it. This blocking is not working. Forward is our only way out. Us. Together. Holding hands and gently holding hearts. We can do this. This is my offer. What do you have to loose?
- You will loose this feeling of disrepair
- You will loose this nagging feeling of doom and gloom
- You will loose the why and get the why not.
- You will see the purpose and loose confusion
- You will loose the mindset that this is not normal for us.
- Sleepless nights
I personally dislike that I am unable to go and see her whenever. And for her to need an announcement of me coming? That’s dropping in us a no no and frowned upon. And that Mama can’t ask or expect me to help around the house when I do? I help Mama Jean a lot and encourage my other adult children to do the same? Chelsie is most helpful. She folded towels and two years old and no one made her do that. As a family we may fuss and quarrel, but we know how to get things done too and when it’s important enough to do it. Like this mess I am working to clear up here. How exactly do you tell your Mama how it felt and feels to be cut off from her? How do you express the magnitude if your care for her and yet divulge your struggle to maintain such a depth of feel and yet not truly be able to express it for fear of hurting Another? It’s hard loving two Mamas. And yet I do. Guilty as charged. A cheater. I guess? Or, just a woman sent to another woman who just never got over the first woman. Ugh. How can I even type this to make sense it does not. New hope after the storm. Lord please send Mama hope. A dove would be nice. To show her a sign. Of love. Let us lay this to rest. Please Lord. May I please have Mama back. And if not. Show me what to do to heal. Thank you lord for this main line to your ears. Thank you for always listening when I call. I’ve waited for Mamas call. Lord. You know my phones down. Bless us all. And help us go home if we can find a way. Help me find a way even if it’s not like everyone else does it. Help me make peace with her. Thank you. Amen.