I wonder, a lot. And I wonder things I want to know are true or not. I wonder, if my Mama gave me away like Moses to the princess? What was my Mama saving me from? Was there a tyrannical leader wanting to kill me? What was so much better elsewhere is what I wonder? Why is this place safer for me to grow up than with her? Why don’t I agree with her? Why can’t I bond correctly with my new Mama? My heart won’t have it, I can’t give her the place my Mama has with in me, why must I feel like shit about that? Why do I feel like shit about that? I did not come here to hate anyone. And I guess I don’t, but I do hate a thing that is like a monster to me, Adoption. Adoption for me is like some kind of Warden of a prison for our Mama’s mistakes. Where all the ugly art work is sent for recycling and training. It feels cold without Mama. They remind you daily why you are here, that your Mama failed you, and did not want you, and that you are not wanted. Not even Mama jean could lie to me about it, I saw it in her eyes too. She knew I hurt and that one day I would have to go and find out the answers to what I wonder and she can not tell me about myself.
I wonder, why did Mama view me as a mistake? When the bible says I am a gift? Hmmm? I wonder?
You know, Mama admitted she messed up with me. Yes, she did. How? Well, I am glad you asked me that, cuz I’ll tell ya. When I last went to see her, she told me, that I totally messed my youngest daughter up and that she went to counseling for it. That, is her truth about me, smeared on my baby. My baby girl is not a mess. She confused like her own Mama about it all, and I her Mama am trying to light it up so she can see. Clearly, this started somewhere else. Yep, Adoption. And I would love to say it wasn’t that, but like the scrub jays in my orchard taught me, when a snake comes in the orchard, you speak up and gather around and make the whole world know it.
See Moses had trouble with speaking. And so do most of us Adoptees. When children are born they are still mentally connected to their Mama’s, they just came from her and where actually a part of her for 9 months. Our language area of the brain has been programed, by listening and feeling, to her voice and her language. Our language area is still under construction, but the foundation has been our Mama’s language. When a child is taken from their Mama, or looses her Mama, it hits the language part of the brain. Maya Angelou was affected when her Mama sent her to live with her Grandma. It causes a big disruption within the brain to have to form new language, and we speak a kind of spanglish after we are relinquished. We speak strangely. Or at least I admit to doing that. Our language area had to expand at a very young age without proper guidance to this fact. Add denial of grieving and its a mess.
I do feel it is a gift we bring to the world, our language augmentation, but I want folks to know the price we paid for it….
It changes how we see the world. How we form our words and phrases, and out conceptions and perceptions. It did for me. I noticed the difference in me and other children who had been kept. This strange life has kind of made me a student of language, my oldest daughter is a linguist, and also body language, that is how I learned without Mama. Mama Jeans style is way different than my natural style and she has had an affect on my language area of the brain. I now, have two languages within my brain from two different woman and it did make a difference in me. I see the difference when I try to communicate with Mama. Especially when I talk about scripture. She gets all turned around because I use scripture differently than preachers preach about. I see it differently. And I believe, that is an affect of Adoption on my brains capacity to comprehend a bit more. Its like this, I had to use Mama’s language she taught me while I was growing, to learn Mama Jeans language and they got all mixed together.
And I noticed, that the story about Moses said that he told God he could not speak well, and I feel God was showing me, because it kept coming back to me again and again, that he was affected by his Adoption too. It showed me he had paid a price for living. Mama, did not see that in the scripture story, but I did with Gods help. God has been trying to show me, and answer my whys and answer the wonderings for me. And I love God for that. Because God can’t force Mama to open up. But God can show me by Mama’s actions how to know what she is saying. Body language speaks loudly. I had to learn body language to be able to know when something was wrong, or someone was sad and not saying so.
Something happened to me when Mama left me. It changed who I was going to become. After an alarm like your Mama leaving goes off, it changes you. After the world you knew is wiped clean, or so they thought, it changes you and how you see the world around you. I grew up with folks that could care less for my Mama. I grew up in a world blind to my truth. Not one person even considered that I might miss her, nor did they ask me if I did. But I told them anyway, if the world wanted me to live like this they would have to hear about it all. I have been talking about Mama for years. I now write publicly here about my journey with Mama, because she matters to me. She is the warm hearth within my heart that I curl up when life is hard, and without her, I wondered about many things that just do not make sense or add up right without her. I had to bring her with me, I had to resurrect her within me to live and make any sense of this place.
Mama’s fighting an old life right now. An old life without me. And I, her daughter am showing her the worth of such a daughter in written words for All to read. No hiding here. I am trying to show her that I was with her even before time, and that she can not cut off a part of her soul that is in human form. It is not possible to cut a child out of your life, they came from you and got mixed with another. And I want her to know that this piece of her is amazing, even if I must blow my own horn if you want to call it that. I am blowing Mama’s horn about her own baby girl when no one else is. They all be calling me crazy. If I am crazy? It’s for my Mama. Straight up. I am certifiably crazy about her. And I see where she’s at and I am hacking at the weeds between us to get to her garden gate for tea.
Its been a long road for me. And the demons Mama thought I would avoid went with me. But I am my Mama’s girl, and I invited them in and made some tea and cake and listen to what they had to say, and learned a thing or two from those demons. Demons are thoughts that don’t line up with the word. And Adoption’s a demon that’s all off all day. Because God knows who God sends babies too. I was a baby, just a baby growing within my Mama? The word says I am a gift. How much trouble can a baby cause? Well, give her up for Adoption and she’ll show ya. That is what I say. Out of the mouth of this babe, comes truth, hard earned.
What was Mama protecting me from? Herself? The demon thought that she would fail me? Be gone demon thought from hell! She did not fail me. Today, from my report, we now know what Adoption causes to the children who grow up adopted. Look at all this mess of a thing. It twisted my mind all up and made it all swirl around inside. The Math did not add up if you removed my constant, my Mama. Now I don’t know how to say it any plainer than that. There are rules in life and Math. Life is Math. Take Mama out and the maths is all off and it makes us kids have to twist our minds to make it all add up. But we always include our Mama’s and that is what i see that cause most peoples Math about it to not add up and they can’t understand. Everyone forgets Mama is part of our equation called life, you can’t take her out of it or you spoil the equation. Life does not make sense without mama as part of it.
So, I wonder, if the world could get that. Life Math lesson of Adoption here. It just does not add up right, its all left. And I want folks to see what it did to me. People can turn away from the crippled mind girl if they want, but I am not backing down. My Mama’s would not want me treated that way if they knew.
Do you know how hard it is to report this? Do you know the price I pay to speak these things publicly, stream of consciousness? My Mama won’t speak to me now. I am paying the price forward, to maybe my own grandchild. This ends with me. My report counts and its in. Make a world for me in the future where Mama will keep me, please.
I missed her so much…
Thanks for diving deep with me today.