Folks don’t seem to know how we must care for the garden of our lives called Adoption. I didn’t until I told the truth about what hurt about it. It’s like this, if Adoption is truly love then why did I not feel love? Why did I not feel? And if Adoption meant for me to feel love and I did not, due to trauma of separation from my Mother, then Adoption should know. So adoption can do better.
What I see is that Adoption does not equal love and that folks are way off on their math. People do feel that they are off on it, and they can’t admit it, but it’s all there is to work with and so we all in Adoption have had to just suck it up and work with what we got and that is abuse and neglect to do so again and again. Adoption and the world can’t get better until we know better. Adoptees truths are hard to hear, hard to read. That is true. Imagine how it felt to be the child who lived that hurt? Can you imagine that? Please. Take a moment and try.
- I am not going to candy coat this truth for you. It would be a disservice to us all if we just kept lying and making more shit up. It’s is a disservice to hide things, people, heritages, information about oneself, love, families.
- This adoption experiences is my experiences. And I am unable to pretty it up for you so you can swallow it. I’m giving it to you with equal and opposite force that it was given to me. So, please understand that.
- I did not organize it up and speak my truth all eloquent and poetic. Even if I did write some poems. The thrust of my truth is in its rawness and it can not be altered for palatability, and taste. It tastes like it tastes. And I need to serve this up like I got it so you can see how I got to my conclusions. You can’t make this up. And I’ll admit I can tell and great story, but as you can read here, I’m not even trying too. It’s not good. But, I really would rather tell the fairytale and be done with it too. But there’s these voices from ahead of me calling me to speak for them. The children of tomorrow call to me and beg me to speak.
- My own grandchild begs me to speak up for him/her. To make it right. So they won’t have to leave their Mamas. They call to me. My alarm has gone off and I must speak my outrage that I felt growing up in this world.
- I’ve paid my dues and now I am taking my ring. I’m letting the demons free and telling you what they told me and showed me. Every time a child is adopted demons are trapped within. Demons so smart, you won’t even know it or maybe you will? They chased me down those bullies. But then again bullies must be faced and my Mama did not have the strength to stand again them for me.
- But I’ll pay it back to her. Because I am her love child. I’ll stand up to them Mama, after I’ve learned my scriptures and I’ve prayed up real hard. After the Holy Spirit filled me and God’s love processed me. I’ll stand up to the demons. I practiced and watched. I learned and I read. I grew my mind with nourishment and love, from you within me. And Ive got grace. The best weapon of all.
- I am no fool except the fool for a better way. And a fool’s a beginner and let’s begin now to build better and learn from this lesson of mine.
- I am unable to pretty this up. Shit is shit. But. I do know what to do with shit. Clean it up and throw it on the garden of life. Throw it at people! Let them smell it. Show them. If it smells like shit? It is shit. Plain and simple. Shitty results. But not all is lost. There is hope for those who have faith that God can take any shit and make it into something beautiful.
- I bank on God knowing what to do with my shit and I threw it to the air so God could sprinkle it everywhere and nourish our minds so they can grow and learn better. My truth is real and strong, like whiskey. My truth is fire water. It will warm you up and open your eyes to beyond this veil.
- I pierce the air with this sharp sword of truth and open this wound in us all to allow it to ooze. Because it has festered. All the puss must run out and their are many eruptions that need lancing to heal. Our mentality about this must expand.
- Be angry not at the messenger. But listen to the message and learn. Forgive yourselves. I forgive myself for not knowing what to say. And for having fear chasing me and running. I wish I could have done more and been able to speak up for myself. And I tried as a child to do that. But it took time for my words to develop. It’s took time and learning to understand what I experienced and how it felt to be able to express it. And it took courage to speak a truth like mine cuz no one wants to look at it.
- I felt like a mummy wrapped in the rags of my past trying to get loose and feeling so bad for loving my Mama and missing her. Everyone says, “we did not wish that for you”. I say, ” oh yes you did, when you took my Mama away you doomed me to a loss no one gets over”. “You wished it in me for not helping her and making the world safe for children created without a license to do so”,”you wished it upon me for not seeing that it’s clear Mamas matter and you can’t throw us around expect us to be ok with it.””you wished it on us all when you created this way instead of looking at your own moral dilemma in the mind and seeing that God loves the children and sex is ordained by God, not the church””you wished this in ignorance”,”but I learned better”.
- And with God’s grace. I’ll bloom where Mama planted me and grow right back to her door. And my flowers will heal her. She will see the beauty in herself through me. I’ve got a lot of shit I’ve been through, so I’m strong as a tree. The winds of life may cause me to bend, but they will not break me. I feed on God’s grace and use my shit to grow. I’ve grow. A lot since I told the truth.
Thanks for diving deep with me todayGod bless.