PTSD and Post-Adoption Issues–What NOT to Say

Good read for those who are directly connected to Adoption, by being Adopted, by having adopted a child, or by relinquishment. If. Just if we had this information ahead of time we all would do better. I feel the holes in Adoptions model have lead me to speak up. And it hard confronting the ignorance in the minds of us all, including myself. I preach to myself first and this is how God talks to me, through me. God’s like my highest coach, boss, Mama, Dad. God’s hard on me. This life is hard and god has called me to win at this game and to change the rules so we all can win.

When the truth of the results from the experiment called Adoption from the mouths of the babes now grown, the world must stop and listen and learn. It’s time for a universal class about our humanities. We all need a review of why we all are here.

Humanity.

That’s the ultimate lesson.

God talks real to me. I get messages without the flowers when their are known. God does not tell me, “way to go”, if I did not complete the lessons. And we all have lessons to learn.

PTSD must be faced and processed. PTSD is unprocessed trauma due to lack of expression in verbal form with the person or persons that need to see what you went through. Which is the world. The world needs to know what we all go through so we can expand our humanities to include every living soul as valid and part of this family. If we took that to our deepest heart, how would you treat your neighbor?

If you knew and believed in your own self and your own experiences, you would share them. Because your experiences matter towards the whole. Especially the dark things. They need illumination. Tarot for one is deemed as dark by many. I shed light on these things because I went there and learned about them and did not stay in ignorance and bias of church rules and doctrines that lead me to believe these things to be of the devil.

So, lack of unbiased illumination needs to happen to expand world wide consciousness about everything, especially the deep dark depths of lack of understanding. We all need to merge with the three that are we. Mind, body, spirit are the whole of the human species. We are spirits riding in organic mechanisms, formed by consciousness which is all.

Infinite possibilities are available. Our minds and consciousness is limited by only holding to your own experiences and taking your vital experiential knowledge to us all so we can expand in our understating of this place and all who live here so we can formulate betters ways to attain the highest good of all here. We are not alone. We are many. Many still have needs unmet. We must rise to meet them and teach each other how to meet our own needs together. Synergistically. Not co-dependently. It’s a totally different Bond than that.

Do we not all matter? How can we embrace that concept? What’s in the way? And what can we do when we face our pain? Our traumas? Trauma means a vibrational disruption in you, and your energy field, and needs to be processed and reported so all can grow and evolve in their consciousness.

Who learns a thing from files packed in file cabinets?

This is how I see it all together and I admit my perspective is limited by my experiences and I work daily to expand that. Know that above all. I am at your level and not another. I am with you. Next to you racing with my own self too. What I share is my viewpoint from this machines’ data that I live in.

Read this and know that we all have traumas and disruptions and we need not carry them to death without release. There is hope and we all have it in our pocket. It’s called truth. Use it. Speak it and help each person expand. Many truths I speak are encouragement. I have always moved in the gift of edification and prophesy. Word of knowledge is a gift I possess and use all day. I am open to God’s knowing and channel what I get from God. I realize I have an affect in this world and I walk in that realization all day. I cause, so I can have the affect. More precisely said, I allow God to cause affect through me. And I don’t argue with God much and I obey my truth and speak. I learn and I grow from being like this. Because my truth always leads to others sharing theirs. Many speak truth with words and some speak truth with deeds.

My Mama and me are deed people. She’s loaded with deeds galore. And that fantastic. I am proud of her for her deeds. But when my words hit the air I saw something else in Mama. I saw, after I shed my light on her, many pains and regrets and wounds. I have eyes to see these things. Why do you think Chelsie’s up there? She’s a healer too and like me in possessing the gifts I spoke of. She’s a natural healer. And her energy near you, be not deceived, makes it better for all of you and she is paying a price to hold space for you all with us.

She has not give up on me. She’s just holding space for this prayer to come true. She’s my daughter, she’s my third, she’s my surprise baby, she knows so see that within her, she just moves in the spirit and acts. Many times she does not know why? But she finds out later. God shows her. She’s powerful and it sometimes scares her. But she is brave.

People. Stop telling me to stop talking about my Mama? Mamas are the oven us buns came from. Mamas are the roots system. What plant can grow if their roots are sick? We must lift our Mamas up and love them even though we see it differently because of what we have experienced and learned at Adoptions school of humanity that showed, me, Mama is key to my healthy development. Don’t take her from us. And don’t force us or try to stop us from processing this grief you don’t want to see. Watch and see and mark my words: you will see when I am through edifying you. I have this high calling on my life and must walk this talk first to show you the way. This way works. And we don’t need to kill Jesus this time because we don’t like what he says. We just have to study and listen and learn and grow. We need to end the stigma around truth and speak truth even if it may hurt because we sometimes have to show, or it just shows, that we missed the mark. What is the purpose of Adoption? Why? Is it really doing what it vowed to do? and why? We need to take a very close look at Adoption and the treatment of children and ourselves. If you consider how many people are alive now, and that we all began long ago. We all are related, connected, linked, family. To fight this truth is insanity. If we all came from God then we are all God’s.

Process your disruptions and learn from them. That’s what going on here with me. I’m cleaning house. And there is no shame except if you shame and then the shames in you not me.

That’s a hard truth. But we got to get real and stop making excuses why we can’t do this or that. We are living in a cell with a permeable membrane that hangs in a vicious galaxy that holds us in space without a string. We spin a 1000 miles an hour and are affected by the planets around us and their energy. It’s a magical place we live in and we need to process our stuff and share it so others can learn too. No one should be in the dark here. We keep darkness and ignorance alive by ignoring and withholding our truths.

I am not sure I am making any sense to anyone. But these are my thoughts about things and I feel I am a piece of this puzzle and I know you are too. That’s why I share here, so folks can heal and grow. Self trimming. Grooming ourselves is key. Spiritually, we all are what we call spirits within human form and walk the earth like Jesus. He paid a price if you will and his story is supposed to teach us a lesson. A big lesson. His story is written in the code or language of another time that has been translated by many.

So is every book. Written in code for us to learn and understand things.

I want us all to process our traumas. I want us all to get free and stay free by telling truths. Just because you thought something bad about someone means you just didn’t see. Once you tell them whatever you thought? It allows room for another thought to come in. It’s like outing yourself and it endears them to you in a way folks can’t deny. Truth has a binding affect. It seals the deal. It shows them your cards. It’s not about win loose. It’s about win win. Holding cards makes us all loose a little. What is the best way to win at this game called life where we all win? That’s the hard question right there. That is the variable we solve for.

Thanks for diving deep with me.

God bless.

PTSD and Post-Adoption Issues–What NOT to Say

by Laura on May 17th, 2013

Sometimes even our best-intentioned loved ones make inadvertent yet serious mistakes when trying to help a trauma survivor. Following a trauma or abuse, survivors sometimes suffer from PTSD–Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

In  PTSD, Not Only for Ex-Soldiers, Juanima Hiatt and I discussed PTSD, emotional “triggers,” and how the mental health system failed her. So I wanted to hear from her:

What people do wrong when they think they’re helping someone who is suffering with PTSD, trauma and abuse?

What not to do

Laura — What are the top three (annoying or most damaging) blunders or assumptions people make when trying to help someone with PTSD?

Juanima — Good question.  I recognize it’s agonizing for loved ones to watch a trauma survivor suffer so much, and of course they want to help make things better. I would say the top three worst assumptions are:

(1) “It’s all in your head.”

NO, it isn’t.

PTSD is a very real internal battle that the sufferer has no control over.  It’s intense and horrific, it’s invisible to the outside world, and it’s the darkest place you can imagine. The emotions one feels with PTSD are terrifying and overwhelming as well. It may not look like it from the outside, but it’s happening on the inside. Be sensitive to that possibility.

(2)  “Can’t you just get over it?”

Trauma that brings on PTSD is not just a bad memory that’ll be forgotten over time. This trauma has created a shift in the way that person perceives the entire world around them. This trauma has left catastrophic markers in the brain and body that only increase in intensity over time. Recovery takes TIME; a lot of time. You can’t rush someone with PTSD to get better. It’s a long road, and they need your love, support and patience as they walk this difficult journey.

(3)  “Here’s what you need to do…”

Please do not assume you know what the sufferer is feeling, or what they need to do to “fix things.” Every person’s journey with PTSD is as unique as the prints on our fingers.

You may have heard something worked for someone else with PTSD, but it may not work for your loved one. Talking works for some, but would be detrimental, inconceivable, or impossible for another. You must give them time to figure out what works for them. And please don’t try to force them to talk about their trauma and their pain. Just encourage them, and tell them you’re ready to listen when they’re ready to talk – but they may never be. And that needs to be okay.

What do PTSD and Post-Adoption Issues Have in Common?

Laura – If I had a nickel for the number of times I’ve heard that someone said these same exact things to adoptees … I could buy a lifetime of therapy for each adoptee. Kidding.

But seriously, for adoptees, it’s a little more specific, but the phrasing remains the same. People wonder

Why would you think you have post-adoption issues? Maybe it’s all in your head. Just be happy you were raised by your loving, adoptive family. Don’t be ungrateful, it’s all in God’s plan.

Ohhhh … these platitudes so grate on me.

Post-adoption issues are similar to PTSD, in fact in come cases unaddressed post-adoption issues can turn into PTSD. Losing one’s heritage, mother, ethnicity and biology — it’s a loss, for some the way in which the adoption occurred is a traumatic event.

It’s certainly not the same type of trauma that Juanima experienced, and we could argue about degree and depth and damage … but adoption involves loss and grief nonetheless.

Whether or not the adoptee had a happy adoptive family doesn’t negate the fact that their adoption signaled a loss. Please don’t frame it as “you should be happy you were adopted.” What if the adoptive parents sucked? What then? Is then it okay for an adoptee to have “issues”?

It shouldn’t matter; supporting an adoptee as he or she tries to process emotions does not involve negating their experience.

“Can’t you just get over it?”

I hear this one a lot. I’m in reunion, I have a good relationship with my birth and adoptive families. I’ve processed a lot of my post-adoption issues. I’ve “outed” myself as an adoptee publicly. So people wonder why can’t I stop talking and writing and thinking about it? Why can’t I just get over it already. Juanima said

Trauma that brings on PTSD is not just a bad memory that’ll be forgotten over time.

Similarly, my adoptiee status doesn’t just go away. I am adopted, I will always be adopted. My kids have a mother who is adopted. Yes, my kids have more love in some ways–they have my two moms, and my mother-in-law as grandmas.

But, they have a whole entire side of their biological family tree that wants nothing, nothing to do with them! And my kids are such fun little muffins.

To my paternal biological family, I and my children are persona non grata. Don’t worry, it’s not like I’m crying a river of tears that some close-minded people want nothing do with me or my super-cute non-adoptees. It’s just that adoption doesn’t go away like snap! You’re all better. Snap! You’re not adopted anymore. Snap! You’re over the trauma that led to your PTSD. Nope.

“Here’s what you need to do”

Here’s the truth: I have no idea what you specifically need to do to process yourself. To heal. I have no freakin’ clue. I can only offer suggestions, things that have worked for myself and others. And I can try to provide insight and resources for adoptees (and those who support them) as they emerge from the fog and attempt to deal with their pain, grief and loss.

So, you may be wondering why I’m constantly blogging about adoption, when I feel like I’ve processed my grief, my “what ifs,” and I’m even in a place where I can make jokes about my own secondary rejection.

That’s the thing … It’s because, like Juanima with PTSD, I’ve been at the bottom of the valley. I drove myself crazy, literally crazy trying to be the perfect person, the grateful adoptee. Because of my unaddressed post-adoption issues, I inadvertently let my latent bipolar tendencies emerge and get the better of me. I hit bottom. I nearly destroyed my mind.

But slowly, deliberately and drawing on that (in)famous “adoptee resilience,” I made the arduous trek up the hill. These days, I’m on stable footing; I can reach back and give a helping hand to my fellow adoptees.

That’s why I want to give voice to PTSD and the effects of trauma and abuse. That’s why I write about all this adoption crap all the time.

*  *  *  *  *

Yeeep, you guessed it … This is a dum, dum, dum … series. Catch up on my first conversation with Juanima here: PTSD and Triggers. I’ll be chatting more with Juanima next week about what you CAN do to support a trauma survivor.

Juanima Hiatt is the mother of two girls, a life coach, speaker, and author.  Her compelling memoir, The Invisible Storm, portrays her battle with PTSD and what it takes to overcome the disorder. Her uplifting blog focuses on healthy living, PTSD, and positive life change. Juanima is currently working on a YA novel series, and has a political thriller in development as well, but prioritizes helping people through her coaching practice to transform their life from a place of stagnancy and frustration, to balance, joy, and complete freedom. Contact her at juanimahiatt@gmail.com.

Image “Hooded Person” by Ambro from freedigitalphotos.net

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