I am just standing strong. I am just standing up. I’m just standing in the same place as before, except now you can see where I truly have been and how I got where I am now in my head and heart. I’m just speaking in the street if the world about what matters to me. I’m just lighting up the sky with my truth. Leading my own way with the lantern God gave me the day I came to live in this world.
God broke my heart and I can’t stop the light within if I tried. It’s seeps out through to holes left for God to shine through. If this is God’s will, and you do t like how I act or am, then that’s more about you and who you think you are. I know I am God’s and God’s mine. And that I walk this earth with God all day and all night.
If God made me to go through this I owe it to my Lord yo report honestly about what it’s like. And if it’s got issues? Then I must give the hard earned feedback to break this feedback loop of an idea that kids do better if removed from their Mama’s. Folks. The research is in, its not good for us except in pointing back to say, “Mama matters”. My life points always to what would Mama do? I have two Mamas. One who’s been visible and one who’s invisible. My Mama who was seemly invisible, was visible in me, by mannerisms and the DNA that came from my families collective DNA data stories within us me.
I used my DNA to work with the new DNA Mama Jean was to me. Many of her ideas were hard to take, she and I are not the same. I am quite different and that is key for Adoptive families to embrace. Uniqueness of two realms that merge in Adoption are key to humanity’s evolution. Some Adoptive parents give up and send children back or worse yet threaten or say I wish I never had done this. Mama Jean is no exception. She’s struggled with our differences because she was lead to believe I was a blank slate. I am not. And my canvas is my own, not for anyone to paint on.
Has anyone considered the fact that I stayed? Where Mama put me? I could have run away. Yep. We all could. But I have faced this life head on and forged my own ways. Most triads do. So we need bit complain anymore. It’s time to get to work and learn to do better. There is much to look at and much of the information that’s missing to make it better is from the Adoptees side.
I mean I am standing up and writing words and I see how much disruption I am causing. I am pleased. Because for things to change it’s got to get hard to stay the same. God uses me to throw thorns in the nest so we all can fly like eagles. No need to stay grounded in yesterday’s experiences if we live and learn from everyone. I encourage you to become aware of it all and learn that the only looser is the one who gives up. Straight up.
Grace covers it all as we learn here. And truth leads us into a new way. I’ve learned about trauma that it demands respect and acceptance to release us. We must learn why. And tell the affects. So folks can learn. Adoption made me feel small. Adoption felt like a noose. The way I was adopted restricted my access to myself in my Mama and forced me to face my Mamas energy that had to concede on keeping me for a higher purpose. She did not know what that higher purpose was. And she did not see herself as an agent if change and yet that is precisely what she is for me.
My wake up call was the day I was born. As I went far away from her I dug deeper into myself to find her everywhere in me. Finding her proved she was there. And hat she always will be. So flip that. If she’s in me? I am in her. It’s a fact. I am a part of her essence and to deem me broken is to deem her broken. We all are broken. Duh. But does God shine through my brokenness? Yes. God here in my broken heart shining through to show us something here. So look and learn.
Cuz I am staying here until you do. Im standing here and waving my arms yelling dead end my friends! Turn around. Go back to the drawing board and maybe look at nature for your ideas in how to change it. Animals tell the natural laws. Watch them and learn how God does it through them. Death may come and take a Mama. But she’s never gone completely because her essence live within her children.
So. Take your pops shots. I’m ready because people have been taking pops shots at me my whole life and it’s just does not change it. I may cry cuz folks are ignorant and mean. But I don’t give up. I keep coming back and eroding away like water flowing over a rock smooths it. Our truth and emotions erode away at a flawed idea. No child should have to work this hard for respect.
I’ve earned respect by living as my Mama wanted and learning what I could to share so we can do better. I have brought her the report. And she will have to account with God about how she has handled it. I am just working to help her do her best now. Can’t go back. We have now though and now is where miracles can happen when we let go and see what is, and choose to do something new and different and will get something new and different from our different actions.
That is where I point in the end. I point to what we can do after we see what is. People don’t want to believe that their actions have created this life for us by removing us from our Mamas. But we must be good sports when our marks are missed and choose to pick the arrows up and shoot again. That’s what I have done with My Mamas arrows that missed the mark she was told she hit by relinquishing me. I got her back on that one. I know what she wanted, but Adoption did not deliver and it not my fault or hers. It’s just is what we got and we can always change the results when we adjust our view and set our sights on a better target. Like unity and healing from what we clearly can see needs it. If Mamas not calling me yo work it out? I still have work to do for us to be who we really are now.
Mama should not have to be so upset. And she could feel better if she could trust herself within me and that God’s got a plan for all this manure in her garden of life. Manure nourishes soil. And we are made from soil. We must see these things differently. My truth helps me see it differently and to see a better way.
I guess I am like scout for change. I observe and experience and then formulate changes for better results for everyone. I’ve eaten all this shit from life and pooped it out here to show that shit can help if we choose to see it’s worth. I mean people with digestive issues are given tablets if shit from Healthy people to change their gut flora. So it’s not a bad idea to eat shit and digest it to aid oneself and others. Cows eat hay and poop manure and we put it on our garden and it makes our food rich in nutrients. So, processing shit and trauma, helps us all to be better and do better. Realize this. I am not where you think I am. I am not who you think I am if you think I am back there. I point to where you are and show you where I went to get where I am and why I am so confident in my assessments. I learned fro life experiences. You can’t take that away. No book told me, books showed me and gave me words for what I knew and yet had no words to express. I want us all to learn and express what we know so we can expand our minds and compassion’s. It’s is not a bad idea to want to ultimate. We shoot for the moon and are happy if we land in the stars. I know what’s truly possible, which is infinite. We, are the ones who must let go of our yesterdays after learning from them, and we must do the work to change once we hit the dead ends. Thanks for diving deep with me today. God bless ya.