Shining is what we do. But shining means shedding light. And we all must shine and not dim our light. Some grow dim. I shine and their darkness must leave or they must leave me. My light illuminates any darkness in you. Your light illuminates any dark place in me. And there is is shame in darkness except to stay there and hide. I am not hiding any longer in darkness. I am visible and real and filled with love. A love so strong it can weather any storm. I bend and twist with the winds of change. My life started with great change. And I embrace my he change and speak honestly if my shocks and emotions of dismay as I viewed what was hidden in my life and yet I felt it. It’s was like seeing my emotions take form as I saw that how I felt was real and stemmed from my Mama’s ideas of who I am. And now fully realize that she does not know me fully, because she does not know herself fully if she can not embrace me.
That’s deep. But the kicker is. I fully embrace her. Head on. Full on. Head over heels in love with her all balled up in me. And I imagine god loves her like I do too. All wild and all over the place like she is. I find her delightful and engaging. People think that people should only speak nicely. Keep it nice. Avoid upsetting anyone they tell you. And folks. Look around you. Is that natural? Does the sky yell at the sun to tone it down? The clouds may tone it down, but higher up the sun still shines. Thank god or we all would freeze. My Mamas had some dark clouds lately with me. And I just went there with her from here. Yeah. I love her that much. To go to her hell and show her she’s free from it.
See, Mama and I have been apart. So she and I could work this out while I grew up. It’s what they call developmental stages of growth in a relationship. Or that’s my name for it. They meaning me myself and I. I see us developing. And much if our past needed confronting and expression. Mama struggled to talk about it. So, God told me and made me feel it. It’s quite amazing God loves her this much. She does not feel loved right now with herself all exposed. But that the lesson for her. To see Gods grace covered it all. I had to go through all this to realize this lesson. What she has deemed or perceived about what I have said is her truth. Mine truth is my feelings growing up that formed my identity and made me who I am today. To maneuver all that mental stuff if fairytales and truths and opinions and judgements at such a young age until now with no one to help me navigate such thick terrain of the collective mind about Adoption and what it means as a whole. Not just what my Mamas thought about it. I heard it all. And much if it is off and made up. And I for one and here to clear this shit up with my Un-refutable truth about it. You can’t shut me down. I lived it.
My Mamas life was dim without my light. She only say through a peephole without my light shining to help her find her way back to her whole self. I am from her and I show her a side of herself she has not seen for a long while. I shocked her with my accuracy of herself. I’m spot on. She told me I was. And she needs to pay attention to herself in me. Yep. She need to see the beauty in herself in me. Or she’s fucked as hell. And I’m tired of holding space. I will keep doing it and God will help me pray her in. She’s weary too. And it time to come home to herself and be at peace with me. I’m alright. I’m very bold and courageous. To show her that in herself. I’m faithful and loyal. She is too. A bit misdirected, but nothing God can’t fix.
And my life was dim without her light to shine on me. I see where I need to work on myself in her and shows me not to let go of Gods hands. She’s trying to figure it out through prayer. I commend her for this. I feel her prayers and her fears as well, as I carve them away with my love. Perfect love cast out fear! And I am locked and loaded with love. She’s got every chance in the world to win with me. I’m solid like the rock I came from. Life may have thrown this rock into the emotional seas, but the tide brought me back. Rocks smooth rocks when rubbed together. Mama and I do what we would have done had I stayed. Not as a reminder to beat her up. No. But that bat if an idea down. It’s to show that we can do this process even now. It just takes more work to complete our developmental process of rebounding. I hate a half ass job. Don’t you Mama?
So. god cooked up an idea and I trusted it. I know what you’re made of Mama. Your in me. The DNA is strong. I know you see it. Don’t be sacred if truth Mama. It’s just the tale of a daughters love coming home to clean her room after a long time away. It’s time to clean that room. You hate dirty rooms don’t you? Open the door inside you, mine wide open, and let’s clean this shit up. Let me out. I’m inside you and have always been even before I was born. All children are a piece if their parents. So embrace me and watch it all fade away. It’s gone. I’ve done the work here before you.
Spoken love to you the whole way
I know it rough after all this time. It’s supposed to be like this. Don’t you see? I came to change this and speak my truth that you could not see that you sent me too. I made it through the maze that children are thrown into each day they are separated from their families. Many don’t make it. I speak up for them. I did and that carries a responsibility with it to tell people about it even if they don’t want to know. Even if ignorance is so strong a chain around their necks, I break the chains. With my truth.
We don’t have to stay in this muck. Change is about action after illumination. Martin Luther King was an Illuminator if his time for his people. I am not him, but I am one who illuminates my truth with stream of consciousness writing. I just let it out how it’s in there and don’t pretty it up for the ears. It’s ugly in parts, parts that matter most and we must look at these to execute change.